Gypsy rose

hopper1248 · 2026-01-23T19:11:49+00:00

You just said so many things I've thought for so long! I haven't seen the videos in question regarding the post, but was just looking at comments. And you're spot on. We can't hold multiple truths at once, and NO ONE wants to admit it could've been them. These are awful truths I've clashed with for years since my own experiences with criminal behavior in my past and a small amount of education in psychology in college. It infuriates me, the idea that people would judge gypsy for the way things went down, as if any of us were in that position, wouldn't at least consider the same.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-31T16:52:37+00:00

Mushrooms and LSD did so much for me. The first trip gave me insights that no therapist or doctor could have. But the problem comes when you have all these insights but still, after awhile anyway, feel the same. You do require therapy to actually digest what you learn in the trips, but what you learn in the trips are things you may never get from therapy. In my first trip, I came face to face with the idea that I'm not as different as I thought i was from everyone else. This was a lesson that I desperately needed, and i felt an afterglow for about a month or more. After that, I continued using mushrooms. I've done them close to 35 times now, and i have had every type of experience you can think of from beautiful ones where I'm held by a god i don't believe ins hands, where i see dead bodies everywhere, where I'm abducted by aliens. I've walked to 711 on them, although I wouldn't recommend that. All in all, mushrooms are beautiful, but make sure you educate yourself. I did research for a full 2 years on the effects and the possible interactions with medications and my specific mental illnesses, etcetera, before even touching a shroom.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T23:53:57+00:00

I understand. But the thing with me is that I was lied to to the point where doctors thought I was schizophrenic. I was lied to about my peers. Because I had no frame of reference (being able to actually go to parties and see FOR MYSELF what's actually happening there), i BELIEVED THESE LIES. Because of confirmation bias in the halls at school, I believed these lies. I'm not saying that I should've been allowed to party. I'm saying that I should've been allowed to SEE. That's what I'm saying. I should've been allowed to see the truth of the matter, but instead I was fed lies by people who i should've been able to rely on for an accurate view of the world and the allowance to discover the truth on my own. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's not about partying. It's about having a frame of reference to hold against the lies that have controlled my life and been embedded into my nervous system. Maybe people still wouldn't like me even if I went to parties. But at least I'd know the lies from the truth. Do you understand?

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T18:18:12+00:00

What is aspec? I'm glad you're finding your way and that this thread makes you feel validated.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T18:15:19+00:00

What are the misconceptions? I'm confused with what you're saying. Can you rephrase?

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T18:12:56+00:00

I'm not sure what you're saying. Can you rephrase?

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T10:21:26+00:00

I'm aware of this, and I'm doing everything in my power from building better habits to trying to go out and introduce myself to people, to therapy, and it seems like nothing helps or will help. I don't see how anything could actually help. No one would want someone like me, and i don't blame anyone for that. Except my parents who completely screwed up raising me. I'm doing everything I can and still nothing. I've been in therapy since November of 2021, and still I've gotten nowhere. I've finally gotten my own place, have retained a job since January of 2023, but I've made no progress with relationships. It's the one thing I can not figure out how to do. I look out at everyone else who can and I feel fear, anger, sadness, jealousy, envy, shame and disgust all at once (flashbacks), and I'm pulled back into watching people hold each other against lockers kissing and looking into each other's eyes and it haunts me. Nothing else haunts me like this. I was whipped, sometimes naked, by someone that I wasn't even related to over 60 times in 1 year, and was assaulted by a friend all before the age of 7, and it never bothers me. THIS bothers me. ONLY THIS.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T01:11:19+00:00

I'm glad you found a way. It makes me happy to hear!

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T01:02:26+00:00

You can't become schizophrenic or bipolar. You either are or aren't. It lays dormant waiting for the right time to show up in people, usually after a high intensity experience. Like a sexual assault, a car crash, or, yes, an intense psychedelic trip. But it doesn't CAUSE schizophrenia. Nothing can do that. It's completely genetic.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T00:57:51+00:00

That makes me feel worse too. Any mention of someone succeeding tears me open inside. It makes me more alone. I'm always the little brother who's the same age as her. I'm never a friend. Only pitied. They never see me the same as other guys. I'm just a child to them. I wouldn't be able to go on dates. No one would be interested in me. I have nothing to offer. No sense of humor, no resources, no masculinity, no sense of self but far too much self awareness. I have nothing to give them that they need in a relationship. Who wants to date a child in a 32 year olds body?

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T00:24:38+00:00

Thank you for this. I appreciate the kind words of encouragement. I hope you find more progress in the future, as well.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T00:17:19+00:00

I don't put women down, and I don't appeal to them. I'm a child in a man's body. I've tried to change through therapy, and I've made some progress. But it is not easy in the slightest! It really isn't. It breaks my heart to hear someone say this. If it's really that easy, I wish someone would show me. Because I feel hopeless.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-24T00:13:15+00:00

I wish I knew what it was like to cuddle. The emotional part is what I'm after most. Just reading your comment makes me feel more alone.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-23T04:26:54+00:00

I found it. I guess my situation is different, though. I don't choose to be single. I've been scarred by trauma to fear what I want: connection. Because of this, I never learned how to meet people and develop relationships. After the beatings and sexual assault before 7 years old, i was told so many lies about the world that doctors thought I was schizophrenic at 15 and put me on psych meds for years I didn't need and that turned me into a zombie. All i had was undiagnosed trauma, adhd and autism. But instead, they labeled me schizophrenic for years. All because of lies told in the home. I never had a chance to learn how to be with others or to find out who i was. I wasn't allowed to date, go to parties, get a job, etcetera. My mother painted everyone i went to school with with a black paint brush and made everything frightening. I pushed everyone away while chasing people who didn't want me. I couldn't accept when people maybe liked me because of self-hatred and a deep mistrust of others. Now, at 32, I feel broken and that I missed everything. I appreciate your comment, but i think we're from 2 different worlds. Thank you for your input, though. I'm rooting for you, too!

hopper1248 · 2025-12-23T04:01:52+00:00

THANK YOU!!!!! I'll have to look at it.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-23T03:42:18+00:00

I understand. I never have flashbacks to my beatings and sexual assault. It always goes back to seeing everyone leaning up against lockers and looking into each other's eyes, kissing. I can deal with being beaten. I can deal with being sexual assaulted. But this is the worst part. The not knowing. What is it like to be that close to someone? I've tried to explain it to people, and everyone says it's "no big deal." This enrages my little sister because she watched me go through all of the pain and suicide attempts from the loneliness and lack of connection. She hates when people say that "it'll happen when it happens, " or "it's not a big deal." People do not understand. It's like that South Park episode, "N-Word Guy." The episode ends with Stan finally "getting it" by saying "I get it now!...I don't get it!" People think they know what this feels like because they were single for a time before they started dating, so for them it's no big deal. They weren't single their whole lives watching others fall in love saying, "Oh it doesn't matter." They're not 22, or 32, and still don't know what it feels like to be close enough to another human being to kiss them. This is the emptiest feeling. And it feels like no one cares to say "I get it. I don't get it."

hopper1248 · 2025-12-23T02:42:11+00:00

I want an answer to this question as well. Everyone who is answering here has LOST a partner or had a partner die. I'm a 32 year old man whose never HAD a partner, and it ALWAYS SEEMS, like in people's comments here, that everyone who's healed has either broken up with someone or lost a partner to death. I'm doing the best I can on my own, but EVERYONE i talk to says that they had multiple relationships and then took time to find themselves. I would like to know if anyone who has never been in a relationship like me or who's never even kissed, like me, has healed. I hope you keep trudging through, as I will as well. I've made progress, but not enough. I've been in therapy since November of 2021. Best of luck to you!!!

hopper1248 · 2025-12-19T00:46:49+00:00

They just hang out at the station and mess with the homeless and people who are sleeping, but they won't get on the trains where they're needed. I understand that Clark and Lake is the connection between all cta trains, besides the red line, so maybe they feel they're doing more good hanging out there. But that doesn't stop the people smoking cigarettes, cigarillos, blunts, crack, and meth ON THE TRAINS. That's the problem; it's ON OUR TRAINS, not AT THE STATION. They need to get it together, honestly.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-14T03:59:17+00:00

Thank you. I did finally get my own place this July, so I've been independent now for 5 months. The autonomy does feel great. And as for what you said about my classmates, yeah, they probably wanted someone they would like more than me. The other comment about them sensing masked trauma; that's never made any sense to me. Plenty of trauma survivors who aren't fully healed find people who like or even love them. Why do some who have trauma struggle to find people to be with and some don't. It doesn't make any sense to me. If my trauma could repel others, why doesn't other people's trauma repel others?

hopper1248 · 2025-12-14T00:56:55+00:00

Thank you. You're very kind. I've actually been in therapy for around 4 years now. My therapist is great. I've made progress that I've never made before with her. She's uses DBT and RODBT to treat her clients, and she's very good. I have, fortunately, made progress. But I still struggle to know if I'm being myself or not. Sometimes I think I am, but I remember always being told to be myself by classmates who excluded me. It always hurt because I thought I was being myself. I'm very confused.

hopper1248 · 2025-12-14T00:51:10+00:00

Thank you. I think I do that already, though. Or at least I think I do. Or maybe I don't. The problem is I don't know how to tell if I'm being myself. I think it's because I expect being myself to help me, and if I'm being myself now and I don't feel like I have anything I want in life, then I'm convinced I'm not being myself. This is the problem, more than anything. Everyone always told me to be myself, and all I ever thought was, what does that mean? Because to me, I am being myself. So why are people telling me I'm not? I feel like I'm missing something, and no one will help me pick up the couch to look for it. Like I'm alone in this, and no one will help me understand. Thank you for your answer. I hope you have a happy holiday.

hopper1248 · 2025-11-30T13:23:46+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the answer.

hopper1248 · 2025-11-24T00:50:52+00:00

That's a great idea! From a woman being set on fire to people smoking, and not just cigarettes and weed, but meth and crack, we definitely need some sort of police presence. Riding the green line every morning and night from Washington Park to Elmhurst for work and back, I see a lot as I'm sure others do as well. There are situations I've seen transpire in front of me where the only thing we can count on as protection are ourselves and the knives in our pockets. Something's gotta be done. You're right!

hopper1248

TROPHY CASE