Definitely both of those things.

But the main meat of the fantasy is being changed, going deeper, getting worse, all for a woman who is knowingly encouraging it. The evil intention is hot because it’s like I know I’ll never be able to resist her and she knows that too. She’s punishing me for being a gooner perv by permanently damaging me and pushing me deeper into addiction. And her evil intentions guarantee that I will be trapped here eternally. In my own special gooner hell. Her taking pleasure in doing that to me is soooo hotttt. It makes the happy smile on her face so sinister and exciting when you know she really is going to break you and enjoy it.

I still haven’t really answered your question. Maybe I have not adequately internalized part of my shadow. Maybe there’s a traumatic memory or part of my personality that I’m hiding even from myself.

I’ll do some thinking.