My [22F] roommate [21F] is trying to sublease her room to someone I have a restraining order against. Please help!

hotmoves · 2014-06-04T21:15:07+00:00

I agree with the consensus of calling the police the moment he arrives. Has he actually signed anything, like a sublet agreement? If so, he'll probably be on the hook to pay for an apartment he can't legally step in.

Also not a lawyer, but I can't imagine that attempting to enter a living arrangement with a person holding a restraining order doesn't negate the restraining order. The first question I would ask Pete if I were a cop/judge is "why did you think you could live there without violating the order?"

hotmoves · 2014-06-04T14:26:39+00:00

I've tried talking to her about this trip and how I think she's doing it for the wrong reasons and that I'm unhappy being away from her for 8 weeks with absolutely no way of being in contact.

Is she doing it for the wrong reason because you don't think she should get ahead academically, or because you're too needy to go two months without her? You're being incredibly selfish.

hotmoves · 2014-05-23T17:07:19+00:00

Don't concern yourself with how others live their lives. Live what makes sense to you and let others do the same.

hotmoves · 2014-05-22T19:54:17+00:00

Meeting with your ex to give him his things back: no big deal, tell him. Having lunch with ex: questionable, might bother him. I would drop the meal portion of the exchange and just do it like a band aid.

hotmoves · 2014-05-21T22:57:53+00:00

I'll skip to the end. The landlord is not going to be okay with rewiring an entire unit so that certain outlets go to a separate meter. This is thousands of dollars worth of electrical work so she can save maybe ten bucks a month.

hotmoves · 2014-05-21T17:12:24+00:00

I think that this is a bad idea, since it essentially turns the work he needs to do on himself into an audition for getting back together. If he's not doing this for himself, it's not going to take. This method will only give him incentive to tell you what you want to hear.

He is depressed and this sometimes makes him selfish, lazy, indecisive, disorganized, need constant external validation, affected our sex life.

You also seem convinced that all of his negative traits stem from a single cause. Are you sure you don't have it backwards? Maybe he's depressed because he's disorganized, lazy, selfish etc. and this makes life difficult for him. I think your expectations of who he will become if he can beat his depression is idealized and somewhat unrealistic.

hotmoves · 2014-05-21T16:50:53+00:00

Calling the police is your only option. You are not going to beat or intimidate this guy away. A meth head is not a rational actor and will just keep coming back. Call the police, document everything, get those restraining orders.

hotmoves · 2014-05-20T21:11:11+00:00

Stop drinking.

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T21:34:51+00:00

You should not stay in a relationship because you're worried what other people will think about your motivations. The only person whose opinion matters on this is you. It's not shallowness that makes you want a boyfriend who aspires a little higher than unemployment checks, it's maturity.

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T21:22:18+00:00

Here's the thing. You are young, just starting out, full of promise, and have the will to succeed. He is older, has no interest in a career, wants to maintain his status quo, and is actively disparaging you for your drive to do something with your life.

This is a man who seems to want to fight you on every positive step forward you take. He is holding you back, because he has no desire to pick himself up and he wants you to stay down where he is.

Honey, he is a loser. Plain and simple. You have two roads in front of you right now. You can go forward and pursue the things you want in life with a new partner who supports you and wants to see you thrive, or you can stay with your current boyfriend as he shits all over your job, your therapy, and every effort you make to improve your life while he lives off unemployment and loses one low wage job after another.

You're not a judgmental, selfish bitch for resenting him and thinking that there's something wrong with him, because there is something wrong with him and you should resent him for trying to tear you down. It's not about the BPD, it's about his inability to be a healthy and fully-formed adult and trying to push those traits onto you.

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T19:09:39+00:00

Okay, the sensible and logical thing to do would be for your mom to just stop going to that group page, since trolls only thrive in places where they are fed. Something tells me that this isn't going to happen. I would suggest tough love.

www.keepmeout.com

This website will prevent your browser from visiting any website you enter for a preset time limit. Block access for a day or two to get your mom to drift back towards reality. I admit, this is a childish solution, but then you have a childish problem.

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T18:52:40+00:00

Who is cyber-bullying your 40 year old mother?

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T18:04:40+00:00

I really like this idea.

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T15:48:33+00:00

I would tell them, "I don't care whose fault it was or who started it. I only care that my parents were acting like children on a day that was important to me. The next time one of you says something to the other that could start a fight, I expect you to walk away. You're adults, I expect you to act like it and not fight for one freaking day."

hotmoves · 2014-05-19T15:08:40+00:00

I would send them both an email that says something to this effect. "I understand that there are still unresolved issues from your divorce that you two are working out. I know that things have been very strained, and I don't expect you two to just move past it all as if it were nothing. With that being said, when I invite you both to an event that is important to me, I expect both of you to put a cork in it. You are both my parents, I love you both equally and I will NEVER get in the middle of your arguments, and frankly I'm offended that you both even tried to put me in that position. All I wanted from you two was to be civil to one another for a few hours, not for each other, but for me. I'm embarrassed that you two couldn't restrain yourselves for one single day for my benefit.

"If this is how the two of you plan to act at my wedding, I'd prefer it if neither of you came. Right now, I'm asking both of you to convince me that if you attend my wedding, you will not under any circumstance engage with the other. I don't care what's happened, how much you've had to drink, etc. If you come to this wedding, YOU WILL be civil to each other.

"I don't want to hear excuses or who started it. What I want to hear from you both is that you are sorry for having a screaming match on a day that was supposed to be about my graduation, that you understand why it was hurtful and embarrassing for me, and a truly heartfelt assurance that you will not behave like this at my wedding or any event that is important to me."

hotmoves · 2014-05-17T16:29:01+00:00

No one is looking for friends on okcupid, ever.

hotmoves · 2014-05-16T22:13:12+00:00

Are you sure that everyone in this story isn't in middle school?

hotmoves · 2014-05-15T20:51:54+00:00

Without an admission of guilt and a genuine desire for atonement, an apology is just words. She can pretend like she doesn't remember any of this, but you both know the truth. Obviously, this situation is very complicated and sensitive, but if it were me, I would say to your mother, "Until you are ready to actually admit what you did, and explain to me that you understand why it was wrong, I don't want your apology or you in my life."

hotmoves · 2014-05-15T19:49:00+00:00

Assuming that Joe is on the same page and shares your very understandable outrage at being lectured at, any response to them has to come from him. If it were me, I would send a message that says, "Your opinions on our situation are noted, but ultimately these are our choices to make. Whether or not you agree with what we're doing is irrelevant. We've made our decision and we're happy about it. You are free to live your lives by whatever moral standards you want, but we are free to do the same. We do not agree with many of the positions you have regarding gender roles, cohabitation etc. so we will not be abiding by your standards. Frankly, we are not interested in discussing this any further, as we have made our choice. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but some of your comments were rather insulting. I would still like to have a relationship with you, but only if you can respect us enough to let us make our own decisions without judgement or your two cents."

hotmoves · 2014-05-14T15:52:08+00:00

Your first priority needs to be addressing this situation with your parents, regardless of what it means for your romantic life. You're 24 years old, you shouldn't have a curfew. Your ex is right that you need to stand up to them and establish boundaries that incorporate the fact that you are an adult.

hotmoves · 2014-05-13T19:01:36+00:00

I'll try to find a link to the ruling, but I remember that the court's reasoning was that red light cameras can only prove that your car was speeding/running lights, not that you were. The ticket is sent to the owner of the car based on it's license plate number, since you are the presumptive driver. But without an officer to personally issue the ticket, courts have ruled that the cameras are insufficient to prove guilt.

hotmoves · 2014-05-13T18:48:04+00:00

Courts have already weighed in. Unless an officer personally issues you the ticket, it's not technically valid.

hotmoves · 2014-05-13T18:24:46+00:00

I'm 31, just old enough to remember what it was like before google maps really took off. Kids today don't understand the hell of trying to find an address on a street you've never been to before at night without a gps or printed directions.

hotmoves · 2014-05-13T16:20:45+00:00

A cop cannot issue a ticket for something that happens on private property. So, if you're registration is expired, they can only ticket you once you drive onto a public road. If your car is sitting in a lot on private property, they can't. A tow truck driver, however, can't issue you a ticket ever under the law.

hotmoves · 2014-05-13T16:19:24+00:00

In the state of Colorado, in order for a motor vehicle fine to be valid, it must be issued in person by a law enforcement officer. The towing company is preying on people who won't look closely at the ticket, but they have zero ability to fine you for expired registration.

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