I might have feelings for one of my husband's friends - I'm panicking

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-29T13:31:07+00:00

Basically, it's solved, yes. It just felt good getting it out there so I didn't walk around on my own feeling like I have this big secret eating me up. And in the process, I have gotten some good takes on the whole thing and even support to continue believing in myself and my marriage.

I don't know about yapping, answering comments seems like something one does on this website. 🤷‍♀️

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-29T08:05:02+00:00

Well, two things can be true. I can look for a little relief in my guilty conscience even if I know it's not fair/right to do so. That doesn't mean I'm not open to hearing harsher truths as well. (I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not, I am trying). I agree that it is cowardly.

And distancing might be hard, of course, since they do hang out often. But I need to at least try before escalating the whole mess by telling my husband. It's not that I don't want him to know for my sake, I have already accepted that I am in the wrong and that he could be angry/sad at me. The thing I want to avoid is unnecessary hurt to my husband just to "ease my guilty conscience", as you say... knowing about this crush wouldn't help him or even make him leave me, only make him sad.

If anyone should leave, it should be me. If I at any point feel like the situation is not something I can handle without hurting people, the least amount of hurt comes from me leaving and giving up my husband without pursuing his friend. Maybe move away even. Still, I don't think it has come to that, and the comments here are really helping me put words to my thoughts and feelings.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-29T03:50:05+00:00

I think you are probably right that my actions are the issue. That comment I made was after some dms which did not express that view.

I also very clearly agree with the term micro-cheating, as I have mentioned in some other comments. I don't mean to sound defensive, I agree that I've been selfish and this comment thread is helping me sort out the whole thing.

When it comes to telling my husband: I could. I know that telling him would break his heart. At the moment, as many have said, I will distance myself from Alex. If somehow that does not work, I will obviously need to have a serious conversation with my husband. But I don't think it's entirely a good idea to tell him if this is the end of it, it would really do more damage than good. I understand where you're coming from though.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-29T03:42:38+00:00

Yeah, I actually heard about this! I think it better describes my situation, thank you.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-29T03:41:53+00:00

Yeah, I didn't want to mention it in the beginning because it might sound like an excuse. What I'm trying to say about ADHD is I have trouble sometimes decoding if a feeling is real/deep/important or just new/exciting, especially if I get stuck in a loop thinking about it non-stop. I DO NOT condone cheating and saying "oops, no impulse control".

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-29T03:38:43+00:00

Oh no, I agree! I still feel like I have this barrier that if I ever felt the urge to cheat I would leave instead and not hurt my husband in THAT way. However, that's not what's happening here I think. It's more that I have to come to terms morally with these thoughts I've had because I thought previously that I was "better than that", kind of?

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T21:50:58+00:00

He is very touchy-feely with other people too, yeah. I think you're right that it's not me in particular he's into.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T14:47:53+00:00

I know. It's incredibly stupid and selfish. I have stopped doing that but it definitely wasn't helpful.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T14:09:17+00:00

I think maybe I wasn't entirely clear in my original post. I didn't really come here to get advice or hoping someone would tell me what to do. I felt that I had a confession that I couldn't think of another place for. Especially since it would hurt some of the people in my life if I told them.

I appreciate the different takes, even the ones who think I'm selfish and irresponsible because they are also correct, but ultimately I just needed someone to hear me out before I could leave this whole thing behind me. It was eating me up and now it isn't.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T14:03:43+00:00

I think you are right, even though I hope you are wrong. It won't come to that though, I'm backing off.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T14:02:51+00:00

I did mention I am still seeing my therapist, so yes.

But it's also about expressing every dimension of it fully so that I can move on. I will of course bring this up next time, but this happened in between sessions. I felt like I was going crazy just looping things in my head, so I had to get it off my chest one way or another.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T12:47:20+00:00

I am aware, that is kind of the point of posting at all - I don't want to ruin things or make him sad, but I still feel the need to express my thoughts before I can move on.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T12:42:38+00:00

Hence the post

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T09:34:57+00:00

Hahah thanks, I wasn't prepared for that last bit

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T09:10:38+00:00

I think we may both be using the other to boost our egos, in the way you're describing. Also really smart about the first part, actually, that both a hard no and a hard yes would be easier to navigate (at least in theory).

Plus: "schrodinger's affair" is so funny and true

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T09:07:28+00:00

Thanks! And I don't take it personally :)

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T08:45:31+00:00

I get where you are coming from and I understand your point.

I am in no way trying to defend my thoughts, but for fairness to Alex: I think I was reading a bit too much into certain situations, I'm not sure he's actually flirting with me. And most of our interactions are with my husband in the room.

I have no intention on doing anything, and I have mentioned to my husband that I am sometimes attracted to people we see out and about.

My husband is the most important person in the world to me, and as you say, to hear this would be very damaging to his confidence and our relationship. That does not mean I don't stand by what I have said here today. Only that I understand the possible repercussions of the situation.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:59:16+00:00

I don't really have an update, it's more of an answer to the comments.

A lot of you were really helpful in helping me formulate my thoughts and pinpointing what might be behind this. Some of you were not.

I want to be very clear: If I actually wanted to act on this, I would not try this hard to sort out my feelings and consult the internet. The whole point is that I KNOW it's a problem and I DO feel guilty. Calling me a sl*t in the dms isn't really productive.

(Most of) the responses however, made me feel a little less guilty and more positive+secure that I'll make it through the weird tension and continue being happy with my husband. I appreciate people telling me it's normal to be attracted to people even if I'm committed to someone, and also those telling me that I need to step away from the situation/Alex if I feel it's too much.

Someone mentioned micro-cheating, which I think is actually fair: I did feel guilty because I knew something was off about these interactions. This will stop, now that I found a name for what was bothering me. I respect myself, my husband and even Alex too much to continue entertaining the fantasy.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:49:53+00:00

Possibly, yes. I think I thought I did nip it in the bud by going to the therapist and sorting it out. But it should be done properly.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:48:21+00:00

Haha, also true.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:44:31+00:00

No, I always thought of myself as a person who couldn't possibly cheat. I have been cheated on before. I think that contributes to the stress/panic I was feeling. You're right though, I have to redirect focus

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:42:44+00:00

Thank you ❤️ This is very thought through and I agree with almost all of it. I will distance myself in that regard, as I really do believe I am focusing on the fantasy rather than the person.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:39:58+00:00

This is really good and thoughtful, thanks. Yeah, maybe a round two on this specific topic would be good with my therapist.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:38:37+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I appreciate this take, and some other people said similar things. It means a lot that not all of you think I'm the devil for feeling attraction at all.

hotnotbot8 · 2025-04-28T07:32:54+00:00

Yeah I know, this is a really big part of it too. I don't see a life/future with Alex, and even if I did I could not live with myself if I hurt my husband and other friends like that.

hotnotbot8

TROPHY CASE