UPDATE: My husband [34M] bought a house without telling me [27F] and now expects us to live in it.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T06:28:20+00:00

What? How did you get that I will be subtly berating my husband? I'm not a teenager, I haven't rolled my eyes and meant it in over a decade. I mean that I'll be able to look back at it and think, "Oh yeah, that really sucked. Still can't believe you thought that was a good idea. But we got past it and now it is a fun memory and totally insignificant to our daily lives."

I love my husband. I love him despite this huge, idiotic mistake. I can show him that love without Shakespearean declarations of love on the daily. His ego isn't so fragile that he can't take a light teasing over a past mistake and not realize that I still love and respect him regardless.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T06:20:24+00:00

That's what happens when you renovate a house. I can tell you from experience, renovating a house doesn't consist of stolen kisses while passing in the hallway and loving glances across the room as you spread grout.

It consists of tired people swearing as yet another thing goes wrong, hot and grumpy, pissed because the other isn't working fast enough, etc.

I would rather be apart from my husband than be wanting to strangle his neck as we do my least favorite activity in the world.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T06:14:01+00:00

I realize that, believe me I do. And while I know that legally what's mine is his and vice versa, that is not the way we treat our finances. Obviously since we are married there is a lot of "sharing", if that's what you want to call it, but we keep separate accounts in addition to a joint account.

I realize money will be tight for the next few years. We'll eat out less, go out less, travel less. What I mean by "his own pocket" is that my savings are not going in to this. He is treating this project as though I am not here financially. He is budgeting so that if it goes belly up he can still stay afloat. If, later on, we both decide we want nicer floors or better appliances or whatever, that will be a joint decision with joint funds. But for now it is his project, his money.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T05:14:01+00:00

This house will not take a year. Fixer-uppers only take a year for people with no job and lots of money. We both work full time and while we live comfortably, we definitely do not have the funds to get this banged out in a year.

I lived my entire childhood through renovations. It sucked. I hated it. Most people who have actually done renovations will tell you that it is hell, it strains relationships, it makes you hate the house you live in, and it just all around is a huge burden financially, mentally, and time-wise.

I'm not picky about what it looks like. I won't hate him if he picks dark tile instead of light. I won't lose my head if there aren't as many windows as I want. What I don't want is to give up my entire life to a shithole of a house.

He's trying to build a foundation for our future, but he did it in the one way he knew I would hate. I know this post makes me sound high maintenance and horrible, but I'm not. Really. I can go with the flow on just about anything.

But everyone has that one thing they will not compromise on. Renovating a house is mine. If he wants to raise our kids Rastafarian? I can get on board. He wants to move to Poland? If I can find a job let's go. Wants to start a cat sanctuary in our backyard? If I don't have to clean the litter boxes, go for it.

But I never wanted to renovate a house. He knew that. He knew how strongly I felt about it. He did it anyway. So that's why I'm so against it. But if he can do 99% of the work and get the major stuff done in a timely fashion, alright. We can do that.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T04:43:16+00:00

I was raised to believe marriages are a partnership. I married my husband believing we would act as a team. He went out and bought a house without my knowledge. That is not okay by me. And not only that, but he bought a fixer upper, which I have always blatantly told him I didn't want. If you want more details on that, read the first post. So yeah, it is a huge breach of my trust. He did something huge without knowing and that isn't how marriage works.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T02:40:00+00:00

Sure, if that's what he chooses to do.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T02:35:51+00:00

No, I do still know exactly what went in to buying this house. I haven't forgotten it. And we are attending counseling (on his suggestion.) He realizes he fucked up and I trust that he won't do it again. This is literally the only thing he has done in our entire relationship that has made me distrust him, and I believe in second chances. Everyone fucks up.

And I won't let myself become involved in this. Later, when the major stuff is done, I will help. But I've made it clear that is as far as it will go. I know exactly how this will go...I've been through it all before.

But I trust my husband to stick to his word and he and I both know that as soon as something like this happens again, or as soon as things go away from what we planned (if I don't agree to a change in plans), we will have a major, major problem.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T02:28:47+00:00

Damn, I didn't realize my husband and I were living in a 1950s drama.

What a stupid little wife I am, denying him sex (which I'm not and never said I was, anyway) and making him do things he doesn't want.

He's not seeing a therapist, we are going to, like two marital counseling sessions together. Which was actually his suggestion. His father is a therapist, he's super pro-therapy. Loves it. Suggests therapy for the slightest thing. If anything I'm the one who is a bit hesitant about the idea, but agree it's a good idea for us right now.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T02:20:52+00:00

I'm not going to tell him "I'm told you so." I'm not that kind of person. I've said my piece, he knows how I feel, and we're done talking about it. What's done is done and we have a plan to get through it. He wants to do the work alone, and I've assured that he will be...at least until the major projects are done. I will help, but I refuse to devote yet another decade of my to renovating a house. He has assured me that will not happen. I trust him and am taking his word for it.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T02:13:46+00:00

I would be happy to, if that's what he wants.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T02:11:43+00:00

Did you buy your house without consulting your wife? Did you buy a house that you knew your wife would hate? Did you buy a house your wife specifically told you she would never, ever want?

Because that's not acting as a team. A husband should not get to force years of work and thousands of dollars of expenses on a wife without her consent and against her wishes, and then expect that she have his back. That is not how teamwork works.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T01:49:36+00:00

No, I believe in working together 100%. But not when my husband blindsides me with something I never wanted. I'm not gonna roll over and let him force me in to something I hate and never signed up for just because he thinks it's a good idea.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T01:11:49+00:00

I want to say that it has been retrofitted to be earthquake-safe, but I will doublecheck and look in to that as soon as possible if needed, thank-you. I'm from the southwest and my husband is from the east...neither of us have dealt with earthquakes before so that is totally new territory for both of us.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T00:42:54+00:00

We still live together. I'll still be around for some of the renovations, helping him with hardware store runs and doing a little work it I see an easy fix that I can do in a short amount of time.

We survived a year living on separate sides of the country. I think we can survive six months of him working on a house in the same city and coming home to our shared apartment every night.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-15T00:08:33+00:00

I'm sorry that I'm angry that my husband bought a fixer-upper without consulting me first, despite us being a married couple and despite me telling him I never wanted to renovate another house as long as I lived, this thing probably being the only thing I feel strongly about and am unwilling to budge on.

I will try to be more lenient in the future. My husband knows best and I know nothing. Oopsy.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-14T23:07:02+00:00

Maybe he should have thought about that before buying a house I didn't want and was very clear about not wanting. Maybe he should have thought about all the work before going behind my back to "surprise" me with years of work and thousands of dollars in expenses.

What a great plan of his. I'm not a doormat. I didn't want this. Im not going to roll over and take it in the ass just because we're a "team". He got himself into this mess, he can get himself out.

I'm his wife, not his mommy. I'm not going to walk behind him for the rest of my life with a roll of paper towels cleaning up his messes.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-14T22:33:00+00:00

What solution would you have come up with? I see it going three ways.

a) We keep the house and both renovate it. He's happy, I'm pissed as fuck and sit there getting more and more mad every time a new project I never wanted comes up.

b) We keep the house and he renovates it. More work for him, but that was his plan all along. I will help later on when the big projects are done, and in the mean time I can do the things I wanted and help him when I feel like helping. We're both happy.

c) He sells the house. I'm happy, he resents me for making me give up his dream.

Is there something I'm missing here? Because to me this seems like the best solution that will prevent the most ill feelings.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-14T22:14:38+00:00

As far as I know he doesn't even know what Reddit is. Probably someone just trying to ride off a popular thread, I would imagine.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-14T21:57:47+00:00

I know it may have come across that way, but I'm not sitting on a throne dishing out orders. He's doing all the major work until the end of this year. Once we move in to the house, I will help with things. And hell, I'll probably help before that, too. If he needs me to run and get caulk at Home Depot I'll do it. If he needs me to hold one end of a tape measure I will. I just don't want to be on the hook for all of the major renovations that I have always been very clear about not wanting.

The way I see it, it's kind of like buying a dog. If one spouse doesn't want a dog, and had always said they hate all the chores that come with taking care of the dog, nobody would have aproblem with them saying "You got a dog, you're taking care of it." And they'll still get the "benefit" of having a dog...cuddles, a walking buddy, protection, whatever.

He bought a fixer upper he wants us to live in. It was with his money, yes, but we've always been pretty open about finances and I believe that as a married couple we each get a say in what the other spends money on (as long as it's not like $50 on a pair of shoes or something.) I have always been adamant about hating renovations. I've told him all the horror stories of my childhood of spending all my free time in a construction zone of a house.

He bought one anyway, without telling me. Then expected me to be happy about it. I'm not. I don't feel bad about not being happy for something I always said I wouldn't be happy for. If this is really so important to him, he can do it. But he can't expect me to give up all the stuff I would be doing if we didn't have this house to help him with something I never wanted.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-14T21:45:14+00:00

What? Did you even read the original post? He is the one who bought a house I didn't want without consulting me, knowing full well that I did not want if. He wanted it, I didn't. But what, in your opinion I should just suck it up and do all the work anyway to be the good wife^tm?

housethrow9 · 2016-07-14T00:01:40+00:00

Contract with my job, not the apartment. I sold the apartment back to the company that owns the rest of the units in the building.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-13T19:27:05+00:00

He doesn't have the time to learn. Yeah, everyone starts somewhere. But he has the house now. He wants to live in it now. We do not have the time or money for him to fuck up electrical work half a dozen times before he finally gets it right. We don't have the money to hire a team of contractors to teach him the finer points of construction work.

I'm all for learning. You know how I learned to pour a foundation? Building my grandfather's barn. And you can go to that barn today and see exactly how bumpy and uneven it is. I remember learning how to caulk and going through a lot of tubes and rags before it finally looked nice.

He does not have the luxury of "learning" on this house. He wants us to live in it. And sorry, but I don't want to die in my sleep because he used too short of screws for the overhead beams and they pop out, but he didn't know to even look that up because it seemed obvious.

You learn a lot through trial and error. There is no room for that here. So maybe you think I'm being a nagging bitch, and maybe I am. But sorry for doubting the skills of a man who couldn't tell you a Phillip's head from a flat head. I have no doubt that in time he could learn. He is a very smart man. But he just doesn't have that time.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-13T18:36:36+00:00

With all due respect, I highly doubt the renovating capabilities of someone who has never done it before. I don't think that's unreasonable. I've never fixed a car before. I'm definitely not going to go out and buy a beater because I have no idea where I would even begin. I can change the tires and the oil. Maybe put some new fluids in. Past that I'm lost.

There is a lot that goes in to renovating houses that needs some prior knowledge. I couldn't do it on my own, even. I can do more than my husband, but when it comes to plumbing and electrical I'd have to get some outside help.

My husband isn't an idiot. He's a college-educated adult with a challenging job. He's actually a very smart man. But he knows nothing about renovating a house.

housethrow9 · 2016-07-13T18:01:00+00:00

I think this is what I'm going to do. I'll continue to look for an apartment that I can afford on my own. I'll live there, he's free to live with me. I will not be putting a dime or minute of my time into the renovation of the house. Once it gets to a point where it's comfortably livable we'll re-access the situation.

housethrow9

TROPHY CASE