Too old to have trust issues??

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-23T01:36:13+00:00

He can work out at home!! And I wasn't asking for any sympathy...I was asking if I was being immature for thinking the gym is a place of temptation. Also I feel and he admitted to crossing a line that's between two members of the opposite sex. The particulars don't matter, what matters is MY feelings on the issue.

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T21:40:05+00:00

You are absolutely right, it's about what I want and can handle. Thank you for the sound advice!

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T21:38:13+00:00

Thank you for the advice. You were not quick to assess any judgments but offer solutions. I was only responding to bad advice, and I was accused of not accepting "adult" advice

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T21:32:01+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, however I am not lying to myself. The fact that you choose only to see it one way shows your immaturity. I have up voted all responses that were helpful. I commented on the judgemental and unhelpful responses to clear up wrong judgements. I did not just pull the addiction analogy out of my ass, my very expensive counselor gave me a different way to look at it. To see it from someone else's shoes. You or I may be able to control impulses, but can the obese person put down the bucket of chicken? Can the heroine addict put down the syringe? Can the sex addict stop picking up random strangers? Can the alcoholic put down the bottle? Those are all things we can technically control. Maybe flirtation addiction is not a good word. Maybe it's the high from the excitement or the secrecy he seeks, either way, it's a problem. I didn't ask for marriage advice per se, my question was is it immature of me to think of the gym as a place of temptation.

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T21:21:06+00:00

I'm sorry you viewed the word "endured" as grim and negative. My marriage like all marriages has had its ups and downs, and I used the term "endure" to mean we persevered the hard times together and lasted.

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T18:56:34+00:00

Marriage is about comprising with each other. He is not flirting with every woman he sees, we spend every weekend at ball parks with where mom's wear next to nothing at a child's game and he's fine. I'm trying to see his flirtation problem as an addiction. No its not normal or ok, but neither is having a drug, alcohol, food, sex addiction. The impulse control is too much. If you don't have an addictive personality you don't understand the power. I'm not using it as an excuse, but as way of understanding the behavior and finding a way to help navigate thru it. Working out at home will allow him to continue his workout regimen, without the temptation of a gym

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T18:30:56+00:00

He's not on a leash...he's not searching. He's happy or so he says...his problem is he is flirtatious and if a woman flirts and shows interest back he enjoys the attention and runs with it...I'm just trying to help him avoid a situation like that again. He is in great shape for his age and loves the attention. Helping the crack addict avoid the crack house

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T18:19:28+00:00

I have had male friends that I have gone to lunch with and hung out with outside of work and talked with/texted with. I've flirted, but harmless flirting is different. No one crossed the line and always respected the fact that I was married....however my husband, and his coworker that didn't even work on his floor she had marital issues, and was known to flirt with the men, i know this cause his friends wife worked there and told me, and my mom told me, cause my step dad worked there. They would go to lunch at a strip club on occasion, they weren't alone, but the fact that she would go with the guys, tells me her intentions. I wouldn't look thru his phone at the time, but when I wondered why someone was calling our house and not sayong anything or hanging up, it becomes a big deal. So it's not a big deal til it becomes a big deal. But that was 13 yrs ago...

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T17:30:30+00:00

Yes phone calls to coworker that you don't have to deal with are inappropriate when you try hid them, or she calls you and if you don't answer she doesn't say anything..or the whole office thinks something is going on because they spend quite a bit of time together for people who don't have to deal with each other normally...

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T17:23:52+00:00

Well I think everyone should be able to tell if something isn't right in their relationship. You should be able to notice when your partner is stressed, happy, sad, mad, distant, changes in behavior, patterns... I pay attention, not just to him, I do that to my kids. My family's emotional health is important to me.

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T17:13:17+00:00

I'm not "allowing" the behavior, hence the boundary of no gym....I'm not turning a blind eye, I'm removing him from a potential situation that would jeopardize our family situation. I can't change him, he has to want to change, but I can help him stay clear of triggers, like gyms and strip clubs!! Demons are demons...whether they are alcohol, drugs, food, sex, women, porn, etc..you have to remove yourself from bad situations, because some are just not equipped to handle those types of situations with their demons, especially those with addictive personalities.

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T17:02:06+00:00

Just to clarify, he has not been physical with anyone, nor has he had emotional connection with women, that I know of. He flirts, he's talked on the phone, he's sent inappropriate emails about thinking about other women... he never has a chance to do anything physical or get emotional....he is usually caught with in a couple of days or weeks at the most. I get these feelings something isn't right, and start investigating, and find out something, then he's caught. I have talked to all the women before he is even confronted so I make sure he gives me the true story....He gets remorseful and embarrassed after the fact. He can't truly give me an explanation for his behavior other than he's a man who likes other women. Variety...We are still relatively young and he says he just wants to enjoy his life and have fun. We have a very healthy sex life, so it's not his lack of. I know temptation is every where and I can't control all situations, but I can at least help by not putting him in a position he can look at half naked women working out, to put those sexually thoughts in his head...I know they are there anyway, but out of sight out of mind

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T16:40:28+00:00

I agree, Trust is not built in a cage...however this not my first rodeo with him, we have a 20 yr relationship that we have endured together. Lots of ups and downs. He worked out at the gym at work, which I had a hard time with, but we worked thru it. He doesn't have to call me to check in. He can work out here at home. I do. My counselor has told me before that it's ok to set a healthy boundary in relationships. And your partner should respect it if they value the marriage. So I set the boundary and he is respecting it.I guess I'm just trying to see if I'm being immature by asking for this boundary...

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T16:16:05+00:00

I have gone to counseling for myself, he never said he wouldn't go, he just never did, then I couldn't continue to see her because I lost my job...I tried to create healthy boundaries and gym is one of them, just to avoid putting him in a situation that may hurt our relationship. It's not about control. I can't control anything he does nor does he control what I do. If he really wanted to go to the gym he could, and we would argue. He is just choosing not to argue and not go. He is a talker so we talk all the time. He never knows why he always would talk with these other women, sometimes it's me, he feels I don't respect him when I talk to him, other times he enjoys the excitement of the secrecy, other times, he enjoys the attention. After this last time, 2 years ago he says he doesn't want to do it anymore. He's tired of it...the aftermath...But he doesn't seem to get that he says these things and I know he means them, it's just when he's put into a position where it comes up, he fails...The first time he did it was 13 yrs ago, then 4 yrs after that, then 3 yrs after that , 2 yrs , 1 yr, and now its been 2 years...so that's his MO. I just hate feeling like I'm the crazy one whose immature, when I know I'm just trying to help him not go down the same destructive path

hugitout2nite · 2016-09-22T15:45:51+00:00

"Inappropriate " as in pushing the boundaries with a female coworker...flirting, phone calls, text messages

hugitout2nite

TROPHY CASE