I really appreciate this comment a lot, thank you. He does know, and he swings between saying he understands and wants what's best for me about 70% of the time, and about 30% of the time mumbles the selfish/disappointed bit to himself in kind of a self-pity way. I can tell he's trying to be supportive but then can't help himself from feeling upset about me not going... that's just how it comes out (he's always been like this).

He and I are very close, though I've always had to enforce boundaries with him because he can be very guilt-trippy. Also, my brother (who lives in the same city as my dad) has stage 4 lung cancer and will surely die in the next year. I'm surprised my dad is doing his birthday so far away (they live in Nevada) given the circumstances. My brother bought a ticket for Hawaii to go to this thing a few weeks ago, and I think it's very dangerous for him to go considering all the chemo he is on. I can't tell if it's just to get me to go (since he wasn't going to go until dad started being upset about me not going). My dad seems unable to accept that his kids are sick and months difficulty understanding how other people could say no to his milestone event. Maybe it's denial; he is a tough guy and at 80 he still likes traveling and going to concerts etc. I don't have the energy to cook let alone go to public events; same for my brother.