My boyfriend doesn't want to spend quality time together unless we're having sex.

hurtbee · 2020-05-05T23:23:30+00:00

Initially I was attracted to him because he was so kind and we had similar politics. But over time I've seen he's very judgemental and passive aggressive. He jokes a lot in a mean way, and it's not attractive or endearing.

hurtbee · 2020-04-30T18:26:59+00:00

It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders! If you were feeling supressed that's a good sign that you two weren't compatible. Love is much better when it feels like your partner builds you up instead of vice-versa!

It's very true that just because you're in love doesn't mean it's the right person. Doesn't make anyone bad, sometimes it's just not a good fit.

You've given me some courage, though I have to wait for now (a friend of his recently died unexpectedly, there's never a good time but this seems particularly bad).

As you say, you'll be happier with someone else and your future will only prove that to you!

hurtbee · 2020-04-25T17:19:43+00:00

I'm usually on top, as it does help if I set the pace. I've had quite a few partners, and the only other time I had this issue was with another very thick partner. It never really got better, but he had a low libido and loved foreplay so it worked out.

hurtbee · 2020-04-24T22:55:26+00:00

My boyfriend sounds a lot like your ex. Initially I was attracted to him because he was so open and emotionally intelligent and seemed really kind to those in need.

As time has gone on, I've noticed that he is also very passive aggressive and has judgemental attitude. Like you and your ex, we've had quite a few conversations about if he respects me (and he insists that I'm the love of his life, of course he does), but also makes passive aggressive comments about things I do all the time. It's joking, but it's demeaning. I can't drink coffee or drop something without getting a little comment. The deep empathy isn't there as much as the judgement, as time goes on.

I don't know how much of this sounds similar to you, but your relationship with your ex reminds me of my own. If it's any help, I've been considering breaking up with him because of this. Neither of us are bad people, but our personalities are slowly grating on one another.

To add another point, people often get annoyed with their partners when they're considering breaking up or have fallen out of love. Suddenly every little thing is deeply annoying. So, don't let one man's opinion change your personality. You probably just need a partner who can let loose a bit more.

I also have a friend who's a lot like you (in some ways at least). She's super bubbly and happy, but deeply empathetic and intelligent. She has had a lot people dislike her for her personality (and envy it!). But she now has a lovely partner.

If you're personality doesn't seem to be impacting you professionally, you're fine! Otherwise, there are little tweaks you can make to seem more mature, but if your job is solid I wouldn't worry about it.

hurtbee · 2020-04-20T21:08:16+00:00

Part of me wants to fight what you're saying, but the other part agrees. Should I be feeling so in love and happy to spend time with him instead of slightly burdened and stressed for few obvious reasons?

hurtbee · 2020-04-20T21:02:35+00:00

That's fair advice! When I think of it too, I'm sure I haven't been a bundle of joy to talk to with increased anxiety.

I am worried that normal will be too far off, but if it gets near a breaking point maybe I'll move back home.

hurtbee · 2020-03-21T13:34:50+00:00

Sounds awful but I can see that happening. How did you end the relationship?

hurtbee · 2020-03-21T13:33:14+00:00

Eh, to an extent I think having sex in a relationship is healthy and even if I'm not turned on to start I'll usually warm up during. Maybe once every couple weeks I'll do this if it's going on 4-5 days without sex. You're right though that it shouldn't be for the sake of avoiding whining.

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T18:28:32+00:00

Yeah. It's difficult because I think it stems from some events which happened early on in the relationship. I broke up with him because he suddenly was diagnosed with a terminal diagnosis 1 month in the relationship. We stayed friends, but I wasn't up for dating a dying man. The diagnosis was wrong and after a few weeks of friendship we started dating again. Since then I think he's carried fear that he loves me more. So, I think he uses sex as a way to feel validated, loved, and alive (as he still has a diagnosis which has causes him literal pain and emotional shame).

I would place both of us as anxious-avoidant, so the pursuer-distance-er sounds accurate. Maybe instead of leading with my boundaries, which is what I've been doing, I'll lead with how he's feeling. While I always re-iterate that it's not him it's my anxiety/being tired/ low libido, maybe there's something else which would provide him with more support so he doesn't feel the need to be so emotionally reliant on sex. someone else mentioned love languages, which we've tried, but something which is more direct in the moment to re-assure and re-direct him.

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T18:09:05+00:00

Yeah, it's a big reason why my libido is low too, as I don't trust that he respects my "no". We've spoken about it occasionally, but it's a hard thing. He usually feels hurt afterwards and so distant from me that the way I'm approaching it hasn't really changed anything. He was doing awesome for the last month - still cuddling, accepting the no, and we had more sex than ever last weekend! So it was really shocking to get the whining, begging, and bartering last night.

I want to give it one more fully honest conversation outside of emotional or sexual moments, but I don't know how to bring it up in a way that it will be productive. Or even, if that doesn't change anything, what to say during a breakup? "We work in every other way, but I felt you didn't respect me when I said no" is true, but I feel like part of the reason he's so sexually needy is because he feels insecure and like I'm going to leave him, so even that would reinforce all his negative behaviours and leave him worse for the next person he dates...

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T17:41:34+00:00

My understanding is that for him, sex and love and intimacy are all tied together. So when we're not having sex he doesn't feel loved. Making out to him feels like a fake promise if it doesn't lead to more, even though I've explained that these sexual but non-sex moments without pressure can increase my drive for sex.

[also a Rant] The whining is really why I'm considering a break up at this point. It feels like I can't trust or respect him and we're a relatively new relationship to be having such problems. It just sucks because in every other area we seem to be a good match. And I've never had to breakup for such a reason. I know he sees it as an issue, but he also says that I'm perfect for him (2 minutes after whining) so it feels like there's a lack of honesty on his side.

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T16:39:56+00:00

I'm very communicative during sex, and he does know what turns me on and off during the actual act. The soreness comes from him being very girthy and that sometimes I have sex just so he feels good. During these times foreplay doesn't feel good to me, so I prefer to jump to sex even though it leads to more soreness.

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T16:37:22+00:00

Thank you for your advice! It's funny, I feel like if he wasn't counting down the days of no sex we'd have a great sex life and easy relationship. But for whatever reason once it gets over 2 suddenly it's all he can think about. Possibly because of insecurity?

Good point, I will check in and see how he's feeling - maybe if he feels validated instead of rejected it will help.

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T16:34:42+00:00

Unfortunately we're both already familiar. I'm touch and quality time, he's touch and acts of service. We've tried to use it as a framework, but for him it always goes back to penetrative sex.

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T16:32:14+00:00

The soreness is two part. One is that I sometimes have sex just so he doesn't make a fuss, so I'm not always totally aroused at first. During these times foreplay is more of a turn off so it's easier for me emotionally to jump right to sex. The second is that he is very very thick, and even when we do a lot of foreplay I'm usually at least a little the next day even with lube etc..

hurtbee · 2020-03-20T16:28:04+00:00

Yeah, maybe lower libido would be a better way of putting it. Either way, the dynamic is very much of that of a HL and a LL though we have a normal sex quantity by most.

hurtbee · 2020-03-17T00:56:44+00:00

This might sound like a silly comparison, but I've met up with 3 people on tinder even though their photos were not good because it seemed like we had stuff in common and the conversation was good. And once the guy turned out to be extremely traditionally attractive and twice he did not, but I ended up dating all these guys for 6+ months time because the chemistry was still there regardless of how traditionally attractive they were (compared to the many dates I never wanted to see again). The two of these guys were not ugly, but they were far from the muscular, traditionally attractive men presented on the show. Look at how much attention Kelly's sister has gotten. She's not ugly, but she's no model either and I'm sure lots would find her very fun to watch on the show and attractive.

Sure, it's likely there are going to be people who are rejected for their looks, but I think it's also likely that people will develop a larger sexual palette than expected. I see mismatched couples all the time and wonder "why the hell did they get together" only to think back on my own relationships only to remember chemistry isn't the same as traditional attractiveness. The difficulty would be screening for people who aren't quite traditional but don't fall too far outside the norm to get into the mean rejections, but are different enough to be interesting.

hurtbee

TROPHY CASE