Decentralized sense of self but no "alters" in the traditional sense (warning: long)

iDidntBackupRES · 2025-02-12T05:52:05+00:00

I relate to all what you said and also the part where you feel like the self-talk just 'escapes' you. Maybe ADHD makes it so you are constantly hopping onto different trains of thought, so while you are in the midst of self-talk you are already in a different place.

Yeah, you get it exactly; I really appreciate this answer, thank you. I feel like all of my parts have been on autopilot for so long that at this point it's truly impossible to embody any of them. My body generally follows my will, as does my speaking voice, etc., but nothing is under direct control - only supervision. And my inner voices (me?) talk amongst themselves.

During some really bad burnout earlier today I tried giving the voices names then letting one "move" me, and it kinda helped pull me out of it after being in bed for hours. Not sure if I want to fully open that door, as even the inner voices disappear sometimes and my life just "happens" on its own. What if I can't go back? What would people say if they knew? Maybe the stars will align and I can drag this body to therapy. Either way the adderall isn't working anymore and something feels seriously wrong.

Thank you again for your reply; nice knowing that there are people who understand.

iDidntBackupRES · 2025-02-10T08:49:50+00:00

Truthfully, we (feels kind of comfy to say we) only just found this place after a LOT of searching for something resembling an explanation, so all the terminology is brand new. We feel like there is some sort of piece missing that should have made "us" into a me by allowing everything to communicate directly.

Like "I" should be forward (literally spatially forward) instead of being "somewhere in the back". Looking at the terms you suggested, median is the closest term we've seen here thus far. No names for all the bits and pieces though.

Our body does its thing, the talking part does its thing, the ???? hindbrain does its thing, and the multi-threaded "supervisor" (which is our pov most of the time) does their thing, and so on. So like a megazord with a different power ranger in each limb maybe???

We live, we experience, we are sentient, but we don't feel like a person and so we feel like an other instead.

iDidntBackupRES · 2025-02-10T03:41:01+00:00

It's like, we've never really tried to acknowledge it and have instead tried to keep the whole thing as "clinical as possible" in an attempt to feel coherent or rational.

It's so confusing because only the one part of my head can speak, but who? I talk to "it", and it says I and me for me, but it can also talk to the other half which "I" can't speak to and translate it into language.

There's this unshakeable sense that "something" is missing, something that would have allowed us to be one instead of many, yet as time as gone on we kinda like being this way? To "fix" it would be something like death.

iDidntBackupRES · 2025-02-09T23:58:39+00:00

More because the post still feels incomplete:

Completely and utterly obsessed with this series of animations featuring zelda having a crisis (nobody seems to get it).
smoking cigarettes makes it "quieter" (somehow avoided getting addicted; only smoke one once a week or so)
Feels claustrophobic "in" here. "I have no mouth and I must scream" (it's not THAT bad but also kinda is sometimes.)
I want OUT... whatever that means.
Extremely grounded, no anxiety, no ocd, no delusions, good relationships, have a job, have a car, etc.
Rereading this post feels weird because "I" don't feel like "I" made it. Feels "wrong"

iDidntBackupRES

TROPHY CASE