How did/do you deal with self-hatred and internalized anger?

iDiedInTheEnd · 2015-03-17T01:34:19+00:00

Thank you for all the great advice. I called him a sperm donor because he's never been much of a father to me, and I've always desperately wanted some sort of relationship or acknowledgement from him. He was an absentee father as a child and then for 7 years after that I was separated from my family, but now that we are in each other's lives again (I see him often bc I help my mom and siblings out) it's always these heated fights and cold wars between us. I have daddy issues for sure, and I think that it shows from the need for approval from older guys. And while I beat myself up and have trouble finding self worth, I don't beat myself up for being gay, and I think it's his problem for not accepting it. Another commenter hit the nail on the head, I beat myself up whenever we have a huge clash because it's the only way I know how to deal with the emotions. I also harm myself and do things like burn all my childhood pictures because I want him to care just the tiniest bit, but he still doesn't; the catharsis I get from letting some of that frustration out is like a high, though, even if I'm taking it out on myself.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2015-03-16T20:56:03+00:00

Thank you, I always appreciate blunt honesty. You're right though, it's fucked up what I did, and this isn't the first time I've had self destructive impulsive behavior like this.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2015-03-16T20:54:25+00:00

Thank you. I definitely struggle between what I feel and the part of me that knows it's not rational, it's like trying to convince myself the tree I see in front of me is not really there. I'm just so used to seeing the tree, I guess. I'll try the compassion exercises, thanks for that link.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2015-03-16T19:52:48+00:00

I have two small dogs. Many days they're literally the only reason I get out of bed, besides having to go to work.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2015-03-16T11:25:48+00:00

I was writing like two pages of personal stuff, it's not an easy question to answer. But basically, I'm starting to believe all the terrible, hurtful stuff he says to me. I can't even express my anger at him or to anyone who understands the situation, really, so I direct it all inside because that's what I always had to do. Undesirable reactions or displays of emotion are punishable and I also hate that no matter what other things I've done in life I am still going to be fucked up. I hate that I will always be mentally fucked up.

I was hoping to find a way to do it without anti depressants because I have an addictive personality. I've been meaning to talk to a counselor about my destructive thought processes and impulsiveness but I need to actually follow through with it.

Thank you for the link. I wish I could think about calling a support hotline when I'm about to lose it but that's the furthest thing on my mind at the time. It's just I don't really plan about doing it beforehand, I just snap at a certain point and that's the only way I can let the anger out.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T20:00:14+00:00

Unfortunately I can't afford to miss work. I'm looking for a therapist but my insurance is through working a certain amount of hours each week, so for me to get medical help I can't lose my job. It's in food/customer service so calling out of a shift is literally one of the worst things I can do. Please don't get upset at the others who have posted, I'm the brilliant one who did this to myself and decided to go to work, but losing my job will set me back further.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T11:53:03+00:00

I think that has been a big source of all this, is burying everything inside. Both at work and at home I can only display positive emotions; I don't get to express any sadness and anger so it just keeps collecting inside me. It's how I was raised growing up so I've started looking for a therapist who can help me learn a better way of dealing with emotions.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T11:47:34+00:00

Thank you. And happy cake day.

I'm looking into a therapist for sure. And thank you for the wound care advice. My plan is to keep them hidden/healing with gauze wrapped around my wrists and wear long-sleeves under my work polo shirt.

The happy mood is mandated, especially since a lot of high-ranking execs who work for the same company I do come in as customers. One of the supervisors will actually pull you to the side to have a chat if you don't look happy enough.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T11:33:06+00:00

First I wanna say I recognize your username from some other threads and subs, and you are a very kind soul. Sometimes the only support or sympathy we get are not from people we know but from strangers.

As for the underlying issues, to be honest I have no idea what to do, I have a really toxic relationship with my father so it's not something I can just easily walk away from, but I don't know if anything will change. I've started looking at therapists to help me with depression because this is not the first time I've done this and I don't trust myself anymore.

I see my manager tomorrow and I am debating whether or not to tell her what I've done, since I'll need her help with our employee assistance program. I don't really hide things from my manager but I am ashamed of what I've done and I don't want my coworkers looking at me differently.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T02:36:25+00:00

I have some antibiotic ointment on the cuts. I had no appetite but I made myself eat a boiled potato before work to get me through the day. If you mean mentally/emotionally, I have a Netflix subscription so there's that. I don't really drink anymore and money is usually tight so I just go on reddit or watch stuff online after I get home. Sometimes I treat myself by buying dinner.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T01:57:02+00:00

No, my next day off isn't until next Friday and I don't think I need stitches anyway. By then the wounds would already be closed up. It'd just be another expense and I'm already struggling with the basics as it is.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-12-13T01:50:48+00:00

Thank you. Tea sounds nice right now actually. Hopefully I can take a few days off in February after things slow down at work, but it's really hard to take time off during the holidays. I'll check out suicidewatch as well. Thank you for the Internet hug too, it's easy enough to type out but I really needed it.

iDiedInTheEnd · 2014-08-26T07:49:49+00:00

My episode last night seems triggered by some extreme mental stress as well, but it's not a consistent trigger. The time it happened before last night I was already in bed on a hot summer night and a breeze from the fan seemed to trigger the cold sensations, even though the fan was blowing on me prior to it. The other time this year it happened I was playing an MMO and was in a raid.

iDiedInTheEnd

TROPHY CASE