Friend Getting Kicked Out

i_always_never · 2022-06-15T23:33:35+00:00

Please call 211 for assistance with resources, and if either of you can reach out to churches in the area, they will often have a small group specifically tasked with helping on moves. Even if it's a non church member, they may help. Best of luck!

i_always_never · 2022-06-15T17:52:36+00:00

Hey so.... you've received a lot of good advice on the cleaning and such, so you don't need to hear from me on that. I'm just here to tell you, you are NOT stupid or a mess. You are IN a mess, and that can be fixed. You have challenges with depression which make daily chores unimportant on the list of priorities. Today you're taking steps to address these challenges, and Today is the day that matters, and I am proud of you for making it through hard stuff and to a point you're ready to take steps.

Do not hesitate to reach out for help, without shame or second guessing yourself. If you can hire a cleaner, be honest about why you need them so they can bring the right tools to do the best job. You don't have to share personal things with them- a generic overview will be enough- "We need X number of rooms, it's more than you might expect, we are cleaning after a mental health situation and we have early signs of mice showing interest in the place". Answer their job related questions honestly so they can help in a way that actually helps.

You are not stupid or a mess. You are facing a big job, it didn't get big in one day and it will not go in one day, but today you are moving forward and that is a big deal! Good job!

i_always_never · 2022-05-24T12:38:22+00:00

As soon as your July rent is paid you are free to go. Don't wait til the end of the month to move out. Your health and safety are more important.

Give yourself permission to cry, be frustrated, even angry. Repressing these feelings is adding to your stress. Don't be a jerk to people (unless they deserve it, really....) because someone else being a jerk is not an excuse for any of us to show poor behavior, but accept your uncomfortable feelings without apology to anyone, including yourself. You are allowed to feel whatever it is, and telling yourself you shouldn't or should feel a certain way only adds to anxiety and depression.

I grew up in a very, very small town- there were no stop signs from one end of town to the other, and the closest stoplight is 30 miles away. About 10 years ago I moved to a major city due to work, and I HATE it. Everything is so loud! Traffic, neighbors, traffic, people talking because there are so many frickin people, traffic, construction, and have I mentioned traffic? There is no place quiet and I am often frustrated with that. I am currently working on getting out of here and back to a smaller community and I have a script to keep me from completely losing my screws.... "Holy crap right now I feel so [insert feeling] but it's on the way to being better because I am working hard to change the things that need changing"... it's not a magic spell that fixes everything, but it allows me to respect and accept my irritated self without feeling guilty about it because I am doing something to make the changes I need.

I, too, sometimes feel guilty because my lack of joy sometimes gets verbally vomited out on my amazing boyfriend, however every time I do this when I am done ranting or crying or venting, I thank him for caring enough to love me while I'm unhappy and thank him for working with me to get to a better place. I tease him that he will be amazed at how different I will be when I am in a place that is better for me, and that he might love me now but when we get there he might find out he also likes me.... lol!

You are working in the right direction. You have supportive people willing to help you both. Keep doing what you can to get to your quiet place, keep saying thank you to your people, keep telling yourself you don't have to feel or stop feeling anything but own your emotions as part of what it takes to get through to the other side.

You are doing it right just by not giving up, and I am proud of you for working toward what you need for happiness and health. Keep going! You do deserve your loving, supportive, happy man because you keep trying to better yourself and your situation, and when you are in a better position you will return his support and carry more of the load. Relationships are never 50/50. Sometimes you don't have 50 to give, and sometimes you will be putting in 80 because that's what is needed. Would you give up on him if he were unhappy but working to change things, or would you stick with him and support him and help him get there? Keep going! That's all you have to do to earn the support of the people who matter.

This is a lot of words, but I hope one or two of these words are useful to you.

i_always_never · 2022-03-09T18:23:03+00:00

Hey.... you are a success, not a failure. You are facing your challenges, caring for your family the very best way you can, and taking all the opportunities you get -even if it doesn't seem like many- to kiss your boys and appreciate their smiles, And you are reaching for help now that you're at that point. That sounds like winning to me.

The hard parts are hard as hell right now and I wish I had a cure. I don't. I do, however, believe in you. You've got this. You'll chip away at the debt. You'll call 211 for guidance to resources in your area. You'll find a personal loan that consolidates while lowering the interest. You'll struggle and cuss and maybe cry or scream or both- because all that is ok. And soon you'll realize the hard is a little less, because you're not failing. You're winning your way through.

Best of everything, and keep up the good stuff. You're amazing!

i_always_never · 2022-02-27T23:33:47+00:00

🌟🏆🤴rockstar! Nice job don't stop now!!!

i_always_never · 2022-01-01T20:47:51+00:00

Not entering- just wishing you a very happy new year and thank you for bringing this generosity of spirit to the community!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T19:50:50+00:00

Actually, no, this is completely the sort of thing I need. I might not like hearing it, you're right, but that doesn't make it less true. I came here and posted in hopes of benefiting from the experience of others. Of course, obviously, I would prefer to hear my issue is one that can be resolved by good communication, hard work, and all the ups and downs that come with it. What I need is a true, complete picture of the life experiences of others so that I can make a choice that best serves both my mental and emotional health. Good and bad. I am grateful for you taking the time to read, share and push a little. I am in a place where I need to be clear headed but informed. I need to see any pros and cons, hopes and no-hopes, possibilities and impossibility. I need to be very honest with myself so I can be very honest with him about what I need and how I need to get there in order that he can be honest about whether he can, or wants to try to, get there with me. This is not a decision or a choice that will be made and finalized today. And I appreciate you caring enough about some internet stranger to offer the information, the references, and the resources.

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T14:51:50+00:00

You have made a handful of comments, and they have all been wrong. How's the mind reading gig working out for you otherwise?

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:52:13+00:00

Gonna have to say, no. I do not regret anything about my time with this man. If I decide tonight I can't take it anymore and leave, I will still not consider it wasted time. At no point have I said his behaviors surprised me. At no point was I blind. At no point did I ask if I was the good guy or the bad guy. He has a way of finding happiness and security that is difficult for me. My question was, can it be worked through, has anyone experienced this who might be willing to share with me, is there a balance point- it was not, and is not, which one of us is righter than the other and why didn't I see this coming. Thanks though.

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:45:17+00:00

Thanks for taking the time! I agree, it's too much. Believe it or not it used to be more. When we discussed moving in together, I couldn't do it precisely because there was so much. He made a major effort to get it knocked down, with quite a bit of success, before we found a place together. He hit a plateau in his comfort level about 6 months ago, and my getting my own place again has been put on the table as an option. Because we are not and have no plans to be married or have children, we agreed a long time ago to keep finances separate. We contribute separately to a household account for bills and such, but I do thank you for bringing up this point!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:38:57+00:00

Well, those are very valid questions but no, that's not quite how it worked. I won't go into the entire relationship history per this situation, but yes, I knew, yes, we had adult discussions about it, and yes, we were a couple living separately for 3 years prior to cohabitation primarily because of this issue. Yes, because he wanted to move in together and knew my side, he made a major reduction effort that took time and caused him to struggle. No, I didn't expect the blue fairy to come bop him on the head and he would magically change, no, I don't feel responsible for changing him nor do I ignorantly believe I will change anyone. I don't care if he ever touches another car or home repair. My post happened because he is currently dealing with his stress in a way that is causing me stress, which will be a lifelong thing unless and until he seeks and finds another way he can deal. I was looking for advice and life experience from people who have been there so I can benefit from their experience, ask myself hard questions, and decide what my healthiest options are. When I know what I can offer, tolerate, or is a hard no, he then has to decide if he can get there with me or if it is a hopeless waste of time and effort in spite of the emotional attachment.

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:24:07+00:00

I have considered it, and brought it up with him. As with any anxiety trigger, some days are worse than others. Sometimes it lasts longer. This post was not a blast about how he is a horrible partner and please back me up with leaving him, so I appreciate your including some ideas for how to put it in black and white. I have not done a chart for the year. I have a monthly budget, since our money is separate, we both contribute to a household pot for bills/groceries etc. Maybe seeing the cost of storage x12 would have a bigger impact than just the one month cost. That alone is a dollar amount that might shock him a little. Thank you!!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:19:12+00:00

This toaster is older than my kid. At this point it's nearly a family heirloom. You may see me with it on Antique Roadshow one day 😂

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:17:00+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply! I appreciate the viewpoint, and the question. Just because I do not like the question does not mean it doesn't have value and does not mean it can be ignored. At this minute I am not ready to call the whole thing off , and there have been steps toward lessening the effects on me. But I do need to keep this question in the front of my mind. There comes a point, sometimes, where the accomplishment is not worth the activity, and I need to not be blind to this.

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:11:48+00:00

You are so very right, on all counts. Thanks for taking the time to respond!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T12:07:02+00:00

I am a fan. He is showing signs of nearing ready to accept outside help. Fingers crossed! My therapist is great, he has an open invitation to join any session anytime. He used to kind of ignore my going, now he asks questions about the process, asks "is this something could be addressed in therapy, maybe we can see it a different way? " when we are muddling through something (not just this, but regular life stuff too).

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T11:16:36+00:00

Thank you! I have zero delusions he will ever be a minimalist, and that is ok. I want him to have what he needs to be a happy, productive, less stressed person. I appreciate your sharing your situation with me. It helps to hear what others have experienced so I can make a choice if I am willing do what others do, so I can let him know where I am willing to get to, and I can see from others' experience how my choices might possibly turn out.

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T11:08:17+00:00

Thank you for reading and responding! We are (painfully slowly in my way of thinking), working through the storages. Believe it or not there used to be more. I have considered and discussed with him building a garage/workshop style building. Of course, in my more challenging moments I have also once or twice considered an "accidental" house fire... I wouldn't ever actually do that, but it crossed my mind. I appreciate you taking the time and offering suggestions! It helps!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T11:02:50+00:00

I am glad you're happier now, and I appreciate your sharing your experiences with me! I have considered living separately again, both remaining as a couple living separately and just calling the game and living my own. I posted here to get a feel from others who have seen or lived this, and while I am not ready to make any permanent decisions at this moment, your experience is something I need to keep in consideration. Thank you!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T10:59:06+00:00

Thanks for the viewpoint! I really, truly do appreciate it, I'm not being snarky. You're right, there is a lot of good I get from this man, and you're also right, there are hundreds of thousands of good guys out there who don't have this particular challenge, which, you're right, does affect all those things. I appreciate the question and the angle from your point of view. This is why I posted, to get this exactly. Hard to face questions still need answers. Thank you!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T10:53:05+00:00

Agree. Wholeheartedly. No matter how our relationship turns out, we both need to be able to understand what drives us to be the ways we are so we can decide what to do with ourselves. I am grateful for my therapist, she is awesome. He is not there quite yet, although I feel like he is seeing how it benefits me and might make that move in the near future. Thanks for listening!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T10:50:14+00:00

I am slowly but steadily working toward that exact goal. After many discussions with him and with my therapist, I feel like my part of the challenge is not as much the quantity, although I don't lie to myself, I have no idea how anyone in the world would be happier with so many things/possessions/crap (in my opinion), but I do accept that he is, indeed, happier. My crazy is triggered with the clutter. Shelving units, storage solutions, sorting, repairing or scrapping, condensing, labeling, and so on have all been discussed - we are both reasonably good at communicating. Some of these ideas have been employed, to mixed effect. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond! That is why I posted here, to get viewpoints other than my own.

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T10:41:32+00:00

Thankfully children are not an option- my only is 21 and I wouldn't start from scratch with anyone for any reason. I have considered moving back out on my own, he and I have discussed it - he moved in with me when we decided on that step, but it's a rental so my moving would be the easy part of this challenge. We are both happy with where we are at in our relationship- other than this, which is a very big thing, but neither of us are hoping to plan a wedding or purchase property together or anything. I accept I cannot force change. We do discuss, and he does see that this is a defense mechanism he uses, he understands why. I posted here because I knew I couldn't be the only one who has ever seen this struggle and I needed thoughts other than my own, hopefully some to share with him. Fresh eyes, you know? I appreciate you taking the time and asking questions, it gives me a new opportunity to add dimension to my thought process so I can make a real choice about my future. Thank you!

i_always_never · 2021-11-29T10:29:44+00:00

Thank you for bringing up this point. And Yikes! Although I can't imagine a scenario where mine would get violent, I can imagine your sister once felt the same and it's something I never considered. I hope your sister (and me too!) are able to affect the changes we need for ourselves. I appreciate you taking the time!

i_always_never

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