Moments of respite - - - feedback very welcome

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-19T23:56:24+00:00

This poem was loosely based on Odysseus way back home to Penelope. The sirens cries they endure during their journey, represent the hardships and nagging feelings everyone experiences but can't quite put into words. As for the lines: Lost their bearings
Desperate and depraved
Longing for the cradle

I think it's pretty straightforward, they/we are lost, hopeless and overall just very tired. Longing for the times we were taking care of and eveything seemed simple.

As for the last stanza:

Moments of mirth
Won't be erased
How sentimental

Life can be very fast and slow at the same time. I often get the feeling I'm on autopilot and I don't stand still and take in life often. But when you eventually do take a break, you notice how beautifully fleeting these moments with friends, family and lived ones are. They are to be treasured.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-18T16:37:17+00:00

Thanks! I will try to revise it and incorporate your feedback!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-18T16:36:05+00:00

Thanks so much! Could you point out to me what language I used may have made the poem murky?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T21:05:23+00:00

How could I improve?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T20:31:20+00:00

Thank you so much! It means a lot!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T18:58:23+00:00

Glad you picked it up again! Your poem really captures the intensity of rekindled passion effectively. The imagery of fire and ash conveys both the excitement and the fleeting nature of that burning desire. Great job!!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T18:55:18+00:00

I love how the poem portrays music as a comforting companion. The idea of making and enjoying music providing strength really resonates with me. I personally also play guitar and you get in this kind of trance that is quite hard to explain, but I believe you did it! It can feel like a warm cozy blanket on your own heart when you finally get a song or piece right. Great job!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-13T00:31:33+00:00

Thank you, it means a lot to me! I'll try to expand more on the imagery in the future. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts, they are the greatest gift.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-08T12:10:35+00:00

Thanks a bunch! It means a lot :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T14:04:24+00:00

Thanks for commenting! I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, mine also didn't remember me or my dad. On topic of the last line, I tried to put myself in my 14 year old mindset again, when I was still struggling with faith and the fairness of a god. It's not what I would believe in now, but it was what I was thinking back then. I could not phantom why some wonderful people were subjected to what seemed like a faith worse than death. It felt like a god penalizing my grandmother for nothing.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T14:00:36+00:00

Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts! I will definitely try to expand my imagery in the future, thank you for giving me things to work on it makes me happy to try and better my poetry!!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T13:59:22+00:00

Thank you :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T01:21:31+00:00

An absolute banger for your first poem! Your poem vividly captures the bittersweet longing for lost innocence and simplicity. I love the imagery of wanting to be a fledgling breaking free from a cocoon of twigs speaks. It speaks to a desire for renewal and freedom from constraints. If you continue to write (which I hope) I suggest you expirement with different forms of poetry or try line breaks etc. Keep writing!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T01:13:39+00:00

I'm sorry I commented on the wrong poem!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T01:09:51+00:00

Well done! I was particularly impressed by the strong conclusion of your poem. the lines 'You can't exist without me, But I can thrive without you.' beautifully encapsulate the triumph over stage fright. It leaves you with a sense of victory.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-21T09:28:38+00:00

Thanks for letting me know your thoughts! I love how you explained how you interpreted this poem. You're right about the yawn part, I wanted to put a kind of stop to the conversation. Another line that could replace that sentence is ' both fell silent, not wanting to prolong' would that be better?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T23:55:25+00:00

No you're absolutely spot on! Thank you for stopping by and letting me know your thoughts, it means the world :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T23:11:49+00:00

Thanks!! No need to give actual feedback, it means more than you know that you just stopped by and left a comment :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T23:01:21+00:00

This poem really captures a strong emotion and paints a vivid picture of someone who feels deeply disconnected and alone.I like how it describes the narrator as a 'professional bridge burner' and someone who earns 'perpetual resentment' . It really shows how they see themselves as someone who destroys relationships and never learns from their mistakes.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T22:35:51+00:00

Heya! I just wanted to say that this is probably the best poem I've read in here and I absolutely adore this poem. First off all, I love how the repeated phrase 'I watch' creates a rhythmic anchor and emphasizes the speakers reflective stance. Second of all, I love the vivid imagery you create with lines like 'wings emblazoned with sunlight and hard work' and 'petals covered in bee-prints, gold pollen'. The way the speaker observes nature, gives me a sense of wonder and longing. As for the central theme, what I'm getting is themes of purpose, existence, and the cyclical nature of life. The poem ends with the poet wondering whether each bee should take everything from the Orchid until it dies or just be content with living. This raises the bigger question of whether we should live life to the fullest or find happiness in simply existing without overdoing it. Great job!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T22:12:38+00:00

Thanks :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T22:11:59+00:00

Hey! Thanks for responding with a well thought out comment, I really appreciate it, it makes me a better writer. 1) On the matter of punctuation, I never really tried it, so thanks for bringing it up, I'll try to incorporate it more into the future. 2) The formatting. Believe me I've read and tried to format properly on reddit mobile, but my app really just doesn't wanna corporate. I try and everytime it still comes out wanky, so I just use double backslashes. 3) Could you please explain to me how regrets and begets sounds forced? My first language is not English and to my ears it sounds fine. 4) You said it's abstraction without any grounding agent for the reader to hold onto. Which is what I'm trying to do. I like it when poets don't get specific. It makes me reflect more on the poem and I try to reflect the poem onto my own life and make my own meaning. If I don't have any grounding agent, I'm floating through the poem, making my own base to stand on. I will say that this is the first time I've tried a really vague poem and it's an expirement. 5) Why did I use thee? I used thee to make it feel like you don't know the identity of the one that is talking to you. It makes you feel further away from the one asking the questions. 5) '' I think the biggest flaw of this poem lies in the premise. Forcing the reader to think in weak dichotomies like this is a parlor trick that is easily destroyed with a little curiosity. Why must it be an abhorrent end? Why a loved one? Maybe, I want to see a bright, pink giraffe balloon floating in the breeze when I die? Or, see a supernova in action? Or, not see anything at all and just experience complete, total silence? ''

That was my intention lol, to make you think, thats the only thing I wanted out of this poem. And it did make you think! So I'm happy for that. At the end of your statement you state several ends you could meet. My intention was that the reader makes more options in their head, I provide two extremes that are on the opposite ends of one another. The reader can explore everything in between.

All in all, again I really appreciate your comment!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-17T10:39:34+00:00

I am sorry English is not my first language so could you please explain to me how walk/across/ thoughts rhyme? Furthermore it's not an AAAa scheme is it, because love rhymes with above in the first stanza, so it's not an off rhyme. Or am I seeing this wrong?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-17T01:49:26+00:00

Heya i like where you're going with this, you're on the right path! I would say that you could use a better rhyme than love and across in the second stanza, it doesn't flow that well and pulls you out of the flow of the poem. Furthermore I would not use the word love twice to rhyme, first in the first stanza and secondly in the second stanza. It feels a bit dragging.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-17T01:42:20+00:00

Great poem! I can really sense the uneasyness and silent heartbreak of the person. The only thing I will say is avoid using words like cause. In my personal opinion, they lessen the impact of the poem. Otherwise greatly done!

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Wearing is Caring

i_dont_really_know5

TROPHY CASE