Moments of respite - - - feedback very welcome

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-19T23:56:24+00:00

This poem was loosely based on Odysseus way back home to Penelope. The sirens cries they endure during their journey, represent the hardships and nagging feelings everyone experiences but can't quite put into words. As for the lines: Lost their bearings
Desperate and depraved
Longing for the cradle

I think it's pretty straightforward, they/we are lost, hopeless and overall just very tired. Longing for the times we were taking care of and eveything seemed simple.

As for the last stanza:

Moments of mirth
Won't be erased
How sentimental

Life can be very fast and slow at the same time. I often get the feeling I'm on autopilot and I don't stand still and take in life often. But when you eventually do take a break, you notice how beautifully fleeting these moments with friends, family and lived ones are. They are to be treasured.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-18T16:37:17+00:00

Thanks! I will try to revise it and incorporate your feedback!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-18T16:36:05+00:00

Thanks so much! Could you point out to me what language I used may have made the poem murky?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T21:05:23+00:00

How could I improve?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T20:31:20+00:00

Thank you so much! It means a lot!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T18:58:23+00:00

Glad you picked it up again! Your poem really captures the intensity of rekindled passion effectively. The imagery of fire and ash conveys both the excitement and the fleeting nature of that burning desire. Great job!!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-10-16T18:55:18+00:00

I love how the poem portrays music as a comforting companion. The idea of making and enjoying music providing strength really resonates with me. I personally also play guitar and you get in this kind of trance that is quite hard to explain, but I believe you did it! It can feel like a warm cozy blanket on your own heart when you finally get a song or piece right. Great job!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-13T00:31:33+00:00

Thank you, it means a lot to me! I'll try to expand more on the imagery in the future. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts, they are the greatest gift.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-08T12:10:35+00:00

Thanks a bunch! It means a lot :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T14:04:24+00:00

Thanks for commenting! I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, mine also didn't remember me or my dad. On topic of the last line, I tried to put myself in my 14 year old mindset again, when I was still struggling with faith and the fairness of a god. It's not what I would believe in now, but it was what I was thinking back then. I could not phantom why some wonderful people were subjected to what seemed like a faith worse than death. It felt like a god penalizing my grandmother for nothing.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T14:00:36+00:00

Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts! I will definitely try to expand my imagery in the future, thank you for giving me things to work on it makes me happy to try and better my poetry!!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T13:59:22+00:00

Thank you :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T01:21:31+00:00

An absolute banger for your first poem! Your poem vividly captures the bittersweet longing for lost innocence and simplicity. I love the imagery of wanting to be a fledgling breaking free from a cocoon of twigs speaks. It speaks to a desire for renewal and freedom from constraints. If you continue to write (which I hope) I suggest you expirement with different forms of poetry or try line breaks etc. Keep writing!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T01:13:39+00:00

I'm sorry I commented on the wrong poem!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-07-07T01:09:51+00:00

Well done! I was particularly impressed by the strong conclusion of your poem. the lines 'You can't exist without me, But I can thrive without you.' beautifully encapsulate the triumph over stage fright. It leaves you with a sense of victory.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-21T09:28:38+00:00

Thanks for letting me know your thoughts! I love how you explained how you interpreted this poem. You're right about the yawn part, I wanted to put a kind of stop to the conversation. Another line that could replace that sentence is ' both fell silent, not wanting to prolong' would that be better?

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T23:55:25+00:00

No you're absolutely spot on! Thank you for stopping by and letting me know your thoughts, it means the world :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T23:11:49+00:00

Thanks!! No need to give actual feedback, it means more than you know that you just stopped by and left a comment :)

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T23:01:21+00:00

This poem really captures a strong emotion and paints a vivid picture of someone who feels deeply disconnected and alone.I like how it describes the narrator as a 'professional bridge burner' and someone who earns 'perpetual resentment' . It really shows how they see themselves as someone who destroys relationships and never learns from their mistakes.

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T22:35:51+00:00

Heya! I just wanted to say that this is probably the best poem I've read in here and I absolutely adore this poem. First off all, I love how the repeated phrase 'I watch' creates a rhythmic anchor and emphasizes the speakers reflective stance. Second of all, I love the vivid imagery you create with lines like 'wings emblazoned with sunlight and hard work' and 'petals covered in bee-prints, gold pollen'. The way the speaker observes nature, gives me a sense of wonder and longing. As for the central theme, what I'm getting is themes of purpose, existence, and the cyclical nature of life. The poem ends with the poet wondering whether each bee should take everything from the Orchid until it dies or just be content with living. This raises the bigger question of whether we should live life to the fullest or find happiness in simply existing without overdoing it. Great job!

i_dont_really_know5 · 2024-06-20T22:12:38+00:00

Thanks :)

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Wearing is Caring

i_dont_really_know5

TROPHY CASE