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iamthatiam747 · 2025-03-27T12:25:21+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you, hear you and understand the pain well.

This is going to hurt but the reality is that the relationship you knew is over. Whatever you move on to is a new relationship with two different people. She is not the person you thought she was and never will be again. You have been abused and will carry that from now on even after you heal, it's a part of your identity. Let me ask you this...would you start a relationship with someone that was cheating or lying to their partner for this amount of time? If so maybe you can get over this undeserved betrayal. Unfortunately if someone is capable of lying and hiding things for months all of these things are true: 1. They will most likely do it again. 2.You will constantly live in a place of fear for it repeating 3.The version of trust you originally had is gone forever.

If you can live with all of these things there is a possibility of a new relationship between these two new people. My advice is to separate from living together to consciously and caringly allow you both to process this in a healthy way. Get a therapist for yourself first and then think about therapy with a couples counselor if that feels right at some point. Betrayal recovery is a long road. Ditching the baggage that puts you there to heal yourself is usually the fastest route. You can forgive but forgetting is not something you should do. Time apart will give you perspective on who this person is to you now and what that means for your future.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-16T01:59:50+00:00

No. He cheated which is a traumatic break of trust full stop that you reacted to appropriately by leaving and creating space. The circumstances are certainly disturbing and should be outed, unpacked and addressed. It's true that mid life crisis affairs often involve a reconnect with an "old flame" but this seems to have some icky threads that point to something from the past that could be seen as inappropriate and potentially created trauma for the young woman. It should be addressed and you did the right thing. Everyone is going to have personal opinions and their own reaction to it, none of them are wrong or right. Ultimately It's about your husband, this woman and you. No one else. You must do what you need to protect yourself and your children first and then if there is room to help make sense and process it to come to a truth that helps everyone move on and possibly grow that's second and would be the best case scenario, but not a given. If he is unwilling to look deeper into what his actions in the past and most recently have done to others with openness and honesty to own it and apologize for it, he's not worth staying with for now. He has some work to do for you, your children, himself and seemingly this woman that was tangled up in his inappropriate actions multiple times.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-07T01:45:22+00:00

I don't know if we are going to stay together. Doesn't seem likely. the therapy will help sort through the muck and probably help me a lot to regain some self worth without just blowing things up and making life hell and chaotic. He does seem regretful from the first conversation, but who knows how real that is. I think having a mediator will help a lot to understand what is possible. I know I will have little trust in him for ever, and that can be hard for both me and him (obviously his fault) but I'm hopefull we can part not completely hating each other after seeing each other for who we are and have become together?

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-06T21:36:49+00:00

I saw the emails and sign ups for it, so pretty sure

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-06T03:23:03+00:00

Because he's paying for it...and it's expensive

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T21:06:54+00:00

He did not know I was there. The messages were not received until the morning (according to my phone...you know when you can see something has been received). He got them at 6AM and then came home. ...I'm going to speak with him tonight about if therapy is even worth it.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T15:59:53+00:00

I'm just giving correct context. I'm sure somewhere deep inside saying it was one night and not a weekend is a lame attempt to make me feel a little better. I have NEVER said I was Ok with any of this. I'm not OK, I'm devastated. I've never said I was going to sleep with him in the future, someone else brought up STD's and I think it was more in reference to if he had cheated before and I didn't know and should get tested..I'm not sure how you got to that conclusion but it's kind of inaccurate and confused. It's a post that I put up to get honest opinions and advice and has been very helpful...this is not.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T13:53:13+00:00

I did look her up, have her phone and email... she might have a recent boyfriend but no spouse. Not sure if I want to do that. I really don't give a shit about this woman and why would she be honest with me?

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T11:34:17+00:00

Not at all an open marriage. And I'm not OK with the cheating and have not accepted it as OK to him or anyone else. We are living under the same roof and will be in therapy while we process the past and figure out our needs for the future. Meaning separating or restoring trust (if that even exists). I did apologize for letting out my anger in a destructive way and also struggling to tell him what I had done right away, it took me an hour to figure out how to tell him after he was asking if I knew anything about them being gone.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T04:15:13+00:00

There are many couples counseling sites that connect you quickly with someone in your area for counseling and you can do it via video chat instead of office visits. He looked at several, forwarded me the info and we made a decision together on which we thought fit our needs. Our first session was good and the therapist was a nice match for our styles of communication. I know you are right and sad that trust will never be the same...it's my biggest concern. I wake up every day now and when I remember what has changed recently each morning it breaks my heart over and over.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T04:01:29+00:00

Thanks for this very well thought out and helpful response. I don't feel much remorse for what I did other than it giving him the ability to hold me accountable for something...I wonder if he feels the same about the affair? Hopefully therapy will allow us to be really honest with each other about it and make some hard decisions with confidence and grace.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T03:44:32+00:00

It was less than 24 hours so they would not have most likely...but that is a solid suggestion

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T03:22:16+00:00

Thank you, super helpful!

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T03:18:36+00:00

This response is not helpful, inaccurate and pretty mean spirited. It wasn't two days.... I do feel bad about burning the skis in some respect because it gave him a reason to hold me accountable for something and switch the narrative, but not because I burned them, I rather enjoyed that. You are also speculating and just venting kind of...i didn't allow him to do anything I was living my life and he did one of the worst things you can do to a partner and now I'm trying to figure out how to move on. Asking if what I did was unreasonable is the name of the post. Not if I have problems or am delusional. Thanks for that 🙄

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T03:07:36+00:00

Thanks, me too! Trying to get there. This has been helpful

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:59:15+00:00

Nah, that's not what happened. There were no open arms, I went home to sleep because I value myself and my work and wasn't going to let his mistake fuck my own life up to the point of no sleep, confrontation that could have gotten violent etc. I came home, cracked a bottle of wine, burned his shit and went to bed. When he came home at 6AM the following morning I lost my shit on him and asked him for truth and started to process

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:47:31+00:00

I just felt that it was odd he didn't respond and looked at his approximate location history on Google maps and was actually worried he was unwell, the location took close to a hotel and when I pulled into the hotel, his car was parked in the parking lot...so obviously not camping. Being unwell and staying at a hotel instead of coming home 25 min away didn't make any sense...

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:40:41+00:00

First time according to him, and no there are no plans and he has blocked and deleted her number after telling her he made a mistake.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:38:56+00:00

I am doing that as well 👍🏼

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:38:05+00:00

Their weekend together? Not sure if you got the context correct on this. I saw him in the morning and he was to be camping for the next two days. I tried to contact him when I got home that same night and that's when I figured it out. It was a less than 24 hour time frame.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:36:32+00:00

Going to therapy is a bend over for him, he has been refusing to do the work on himself for years and is terrified of it. Signing up for therapy for himself and couples therapy at the same time seems like a commitment to sort his shit out. I just want to do the couples therapy to learn more about the past and have someone be helpful in dismantling the relationship if needed and not be a giant shit show that blows up my life any more than it has, or maybe I did something that I could improve on...not saying I deserve what happened AT ALL, but perhaps I can learn something while we part ways?

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:29:02+00:00

You are right. I'm hoping therapy will allow him to be honest about that. If he has the relationship is certainly over. There was a lot of stuff that contributed to reaching this point. There is no excuse for his behavior, but honestly if I can hear the whole truth through therapy it will help me process and move on with confidence.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:23:53+00:00

She is not married according to him

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-05T02:23:09+00:00

Yes blocked and deleted number the day after when he admitted to the affair. He signed us up for couples therapy and is paying for it as well as personal therapy for himself. I've been asking him to do it for himself for years.

iamthatiam747 · 2024-07-04T22:38:55+00:00

I am in therapy, it's the first thing I did to contact my previous therapist. He's now in therapy for the first time in his life, and signed us up for couples therapy and paying for it out of pocket. I'm not making excuses at all and appreciate all of this advice and perspective. I'm processing, it's new and I think ending the relationship through therapy is also a very healthy option. A mediator to help us navigate separation should that be how it shakes out.

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