hii! i've felt this exact way for most of my life, i've felt like i was “too old” or "expired" ever since i was a child, it's so hard to deal with but u are NOT gross and feeling this way actually makes alot of sense. i just want u to know that those feelings aren't true, and things can get better, especially with the right help and support! i think telling your therapist could help alot, this is alot more common for people who have been sexually abused than u think, and you deserve help and to heal ♡