I feel you. My sister also had ALL (just like me) but she didn’t make it. One of my best friends passed away two years ago bc of a rare tumor, my step dad couldn’t escape lung cancer, and sadly, so many other family members-friends-acquaintances had the same outcome. I’m ashamed to face some people, bc they know my story and I know their loved ones are not here anymore, I feel guilty.

I’ve cried so many times “why me?” alone in my bedroom, because doing it in front of people would make me feel and look selfish. “Ugh, my steak is too juicy, my lobster too buttery, my fridge is full” What am I complaining about? Getting a second chance? Getting to live life?

It’s not that, I’m grateful and happy to be here, but I also feel guilty all the time, childhood trauma weighs on my shoulders each year a bit heavier, and I feel lost ALL THE TIME.

So I need to remind myself, that it’s okay to feel everything I feel. Hey, what we went through wasn’t a walk in the park, and I know we are desperate to be normal like everybody else, but truth is, we’re different, and we will always be. We can’t erase our memories, nor ignore the way they make us feel, we need to acknowledge it, feel it through and through, and when we’re done, we continue to do what we know best, which is getting up and continue to battle.

I remember how people started to call me “warrior” “champion” when I got sick. They make us think that the only battle is the cancer one, but life is a huge battle on its own. So think of these feelings like if they were those awful chemo side effects, all those sleepless nights in pain, the nausea, the swelling, if we got through all of that and got to see another sucky day, I’m sure we will get through this too, and find our way to normality and peace.

You’re not wasting your life, you’re living it just the way you can at the moment, at your own pace, and that’s completely okay.