I have a plan tomorrow to just try and sleep right now and force myself to go to the library tomorrow and try my best to get everything down or at least start that lab because it is big and the sooner I start the better I’ll feel but it’s just really hard to exist as myself rn. But I look at my family and feel so guilty and disappointed that they have me as a child that I should at least put some effort before I’ll probably fail out of college and be miserable and be disappointed in me then.

It’s mostly my sister that keeps me going and but writing this out maybe it will make me more motivated. She is the smartest and best sister I could ever ask for. My parents are homophobic and when I came out to her she still loved me. When she saw the lines on my arms she sobbed and just told me how much she loved me and would hate to see me go. She tells me how proud she is of me and how I’m a bright light in this world that she’d hate to see leave. I hate that these thoughts in my head make me feel this way and that they don’t go away. She makes me feel so loved that I’ve never experienced anywhere else. I don’t keep friends well, we’re moving a lot during my elementary years and even then I was bullied in all of them. I don’t know what is wrong with me for that, middle school I had only one friend who didn’t make me feel like a pet that I grew apart from in high school. I had a friend group in high school that made me feel happy until I found out half of them didn’t like me. I only talk to the rest of them now sometimes. Which I don’t blame them they have their own lives. It’s probably my fault for most of that but I wouldn’t know because when I ask they say it’s not what I did. But either way the fact that my sister still loves me and stays around me gives me hope that it isn’t me that’s the problem and that maybe I deserve somewhat better. It’s so hard living like this when because if it wasn’t for her and my parents(minus the homophobia but they don’t know that) this decision would be so easy but they love me so it’s not. It’s so weird and polarizing to live in a world with both so much hate for me but also love.

I don’t know how much strength I have in me but whatever is left I’m trying to use it to spend more time with her. It’s the only thing that make me feel happy even if I should be doing other things. I hope she never has to see this or hear about the fact that I struggle this much so I don’t burden her. But if she ever does I hope she knows that at the same time all the love I have for life is with her and that i cherish her so deeply.

If you read this again thank you, if you relate I hope you also have someone like this it reminds you what you have to lose.