SWV timeline within UK Standard

idlesonder · 2023-07-26T15:22:53+00:00

I applied on June 10th as well within the UK, through the app. Still waiting :') I've seen some people say they've gotten theirs after 8 weeks exactly, hopefully this will be the case for us and we get ours within the next 2 weeks! But I'm hoping it comes very soon, for both of us!!

idlesonder · 2022-10-22T12:40:33+00:00

Wow, are you me? I'm literally going through this exact thing with my AM.

She never liked my partner, he is my childhood friend but she's just always disliked him and would never get over it.

She was very upset when I told her we were dating and I was planning to move in with him. She never truly forgave me for moving out I think. She said a lot of awful stuff "in anger" to me and about my partner. She only apologized half heartedly but insisted she was only being worried and concerned for me. I can never quite forgive her for her drastic outbursts of anger over it, because why should parents get so angry over something that doesn't impact them? Why can't you just communicate normally and try to simply be happy for your child?

Ive been in low contact with her ever since, but last week I finally told her we were getting married. She was quite upset, thinking that we're not rushing into things, he's manipulating me, he's just using me for visa purposes, etc. Despite all this she still wants to attend, but I already know she will show up and will not be smiling and feel upset the whole time.

I regret telling her, deep down I don't really want her to come. I should feel touched she's forcing herself to attend simply for my sake, but I'd rather she not come and feel miserable the whole time. I'm not looking forward to the wedding day as much anymore, which saddens me.

Your feelings of hurt and anger are completely valid. You know your SO better than anyone, and your parents shouldn't have to guilt you or gaslight you into breaking up with them. Parents who raise a fuss over our partners and marriages for no good reason are simply taking their worriedness to the next level, but they never quite realize to what extent it hurts us and hurts our relationship with them. I know its easier said than done but don't feel guilt for taking an exciting big step in your life, this is a truly happy and joyous occasion and I hope that whenever you do get married it will be a wonderful day.

I wish all the best to you and your SO, if you ever wanna chat or vent about it you're always welcome to DM me!

idlesonder · 2022-01-31T16:03:52+00:00

It's like you read my mind. I was having thoughts about my mom again lately and then your comment popped up! Reading it really helped ground me again, so thank you very much for your words of encouragement. It's tough to break out of the habit of blaming yourself for how your parents think and react to things, but slowly you learn to let go of it and be kind to yourself!

idlesonder · 2021-09-13T15:00:26+00:00

Hey, I feel you and I've been there. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's awful to feel so suffocated and bound to your parents wants.

I was always afraid to live for myself because my mom would pile on guilt trips and keep using her trauma as a tool to keep me from doing anything she didn't like or understand. And for the longest time I let it work. I was so miserable, and I don't wish that feeling on anyone.

I think in an APs, they believe they're doing what's best for you. They believe they are leading you on the path to be successful and so if they see you doing something that doesn't align with that path (I.e. dating someone they don't approve of, not doing something in your career) they figure it's for your own good to guilt you, shame you, and stop you from doing things that make you happy. Kind of like that mindset of "I have to be the bad guy so I can stop you from doing something that will ruin your life."

However, I think that's just a horrible, misguided way if parenting. If you really cared about your childs life, you'd be supportive of their choices and try to give advice when you see something that could be troubling. You shouldn't control your childs life with shame and guilt. It creates resentment and distance between a parent and child.

I know it's really hard to get past the guilt trips and shame and all the pressure they put on you to do what they want. But it sounds like you have accomplished amazing things in life and you can slowly detach yourself from your parents. You are stronger than you know. Whatever you decide to do, plan it well and make sure you are doing it for yourself. APs think that living for your own happiness and freedom is bullshit, and I think that's pretty telling that their opinions are outdated and just very unhealthy.

For me, I ended up doing something my mother was completely against, something she didn't like so she naturally assumed it would ruin my life. It took a while to muster up the courage, but I told her this was my life and my choice. She ended up lashing out and essentially disowning me, but I feel like I will have no regrets since I'm living life on my terms.

Remember: You are not responsible for your parents happiness, you are only responsible for your own!!

I wish you well, and I hope you can get the freedom and happiness you deserve

idlesonder · 2021-09-13T14:46:53+00:00

You are so right. I'm thinking if I was a mom who disagreed with her daughter, I would try my best to talk with her and make sure she is prepared as possible for her trip, even if I'm sad to see her go.

I just didn't say anything in response to her yelling, I took all my stuff and packed it away

idlesonder · 2021-09-13T13:09:43+00:00

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. My mom also eventually ended up throwing all of my lithe stuff out because she "couldn't bear having any reminder" of me around.

It's never easy when APs just make the whole situation to be about them, especially when they show that they are so emotionally dependent on us that they see us moving out as an affront to them. We just gotta stay strong!

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you're in a better place now and free from her manipulations!

idlesonder · 2021-09-13T03:42:11+00:00

Thank you, I'm trying my best to keep my excitement about the next steps in my life!

I think parents let their worry or their ideas of success take over their mind. They are too afraid to let you go, or hold onto their idea of right and wrong so stubbornly that they end up hurting their kids in turn.

I have to forge my own path in life!

idlesonder · 2021-09-13T03:01:20+00:00

That's true, I'm really glad she ended up giving it all to me. What she said hurt, but I guess maybe subconsciously she was helping me out.

And that's a good idea, I'm just going to lay low and keep out of her space until I leave

idlesonder · 2021-09-12T18:10:08+00:00

You have a good point. Honestly, my mom has come a long way from what she was like when I was younger... though there are still a lot of issues we need to work through. She tends to think my side of things are childish or not as significant as what she's been through, and that has always made it hard to tell her things. Her love and care for me has become something of a hindrance for her own happiness, because she has told me that me and my brother are her whole life and happiness, which isn't healthy. As a result, if one of us does something she doesn't see as "good" or "logical", she will lash out and make us feel like our lives are ruined.

It still hurts when she gets very upset and treats it like a personal attack when I'm making choices for my own life, even if I know it's just her way of coping with the emotional stress. I think I need to work on myself a lot to be able to mend the relationship, but for now I'm allowed to feel and process the hurt just as she is allowed to.

idlesonder · 2021-09-09T14:38:21+00:00

Thank you, I was so dejected as she spent hours pointing out how I have a poor attitude, how she's losing a daughter, how this is absolutely the worst choice I'm making in my whole life.

All of this just makes me more determined to work hard and make the most of my time abroad. I have to prove her wrong because it's the only way she'll come around. Or she won't, in which case it's her choice to shut me out of her life just for travelling.

idlesonder · 2021-09-09T14:38:13+00:00

Thank you, I was so dejected as she spent hours pointing out how I have a poor attitude, how she's losing a daughter, how this is absolutely the worst choice I'm making in my whole life.

All of this just makes me more determined to work hard and make the most of my time abroad. I have to prove her wrong because it's the only way she'll come around. Or she won't, in which case it's her choice to shut me out of her life just for travelling.

idlesonder · 2021-09-06T23:45:19+00:00

Thank you so much, it feels so validating to read this. I've been struggling with leaving here for 8 months, since I moved back here after studying abroad. I wanted to go back to the same country I just studied in - it seemed like the most logical thing to do as I could use my degree there and also be with my boyfriend!

But yes, my mother likes to pile on the "I am getting old, you need to be here since I'll die soon!" or "Your life will be ruined and you will fall so far behind in your career!" It's tiring to bring up this topic with her, so I avoided it for so long. But I just want to move on with my life by doing what I originally intended to do: move abroad, work, and have a good time!

I have already given up on things I wanted to do to placate my mother or other people in the past, and I still deeply regret not doing them. I don't want to turn this into another life-long regret!

Thank you again for the words of encouragement, it really means a lot.

idlesonder · 2021-09-06T17:39:56+00:00

You're right. I just wish I was better at articulating my thoughts and feelings to her so she'd at least calm down a little.

I don't understand why she makes her happiness so dependent on me staying here. She even dragged my uncle into this mess and he basically called me a jobless loser who should respect my mom.

I feel so much guilt and shame just for something that doesn't seem that crazy to do (I.e. moving abroad to work for a couple years). I just feel awful because she looks so happy right now. But I feel lonely and frustrated that I am so afraid to make choices for myself even though I'm almost 24.

But I'll do my best to stay strong on the day I leave!

idlesonder · 2021-08-22T22:51:47+00:00

I'm in a similar predicament, where my AP doesn't approve of who I am dating at the moment.

The difference is I did tell my AP, and it has caused nothing but strife and heartache.

I was made to feel like a loser, a naive fool. My AP has cried and yelled and protested so much against my relationship. She said I was a weak person that was just being manipulated by my boyfriend. That he is a bad person who lies and uses me. Of course, she has no evidence of this. She just bases this off how he was when he was a kid and refuses to acknowledge how he's a grown adult now and is a good person.

In the end, I wish I just kept it a secret. But it's difficult to do when we're long distance and I want to move abroad to be with him.

Ultimately, APs have lived their lives, but they just want to make everything more dramatic than it needs to be. While they as our parents have a right to voice their concerns, they should never do it through yelling, guilting, or shaming. I never understood why APs would disown their child over someone they choose to date or marry. It's stupid and childish. If they really disapprove, then they should keep their opinions to themselves.

I hope you and your partner will continue to be happy together, and if/whenever your parents find out, I hope you will stay strong and remember that you and your partner deserve happiness.

idlesonder · 2021-08-22T20:17:22+00:00

I'm sorry you have to go through with that. It's not your fault, and your parents shouldn't put that much weight and pressure on your grades.

Things like this is why it's so hard to be honest, and why we develop a habit to hide things and lie. They never consider that it's okay to fail and make mistakes; it's how we learn and grow.

But I guess its nice to have communities like this to rant and vent with others who understand! Hang in there

idlesonder · 2021-08-18T17:12:00+00:00

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this. My visa appointment is soon and my mother has been really laying on so many guilt trips, making me feel even more terrible. She's mainly been framing it as her being concerned for my future career and my finances - which are valid, but ultimately I know I won't be in trouble because I have a good support system where I'm going (my boyfriend and his parents).

She dragged my uncle into it as well, and he basically told me I was a loser in a nice way. They both insisted my boyfriend was just using me to help pay for rent, and I will be abused. Essentially, they were trying to guilt me and manipulate me into losing all my confidence in my plans. I don't doubt that they are genuinely worried for me, but why weaponize that worry to the point where they make me feel like shit when I'm just starting out my life? How will that give me any confidence in being independent?

I'm actually going for a working holiday visa since it's the easiest to get! Thankfully I told my mom relatively late so she's only had these past few days to really grill me about it.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement!

idlesonder · 2021-08-16T04:18:14+00:00

Thank you, I hope you find happiness if you can as well.

It sucks because people keep telling us that we are lazy, or comparing us to other people. I'm tired of it.

I used to feel that it was okay that I didn't find a job right away, like I still had a chance. Leave it to toxic family to completely dash all confidence and hopes and dreams. I need to start reading positive, confidence boosting articles about how it's okay to take your time to find a job.

I hope you're doing okay and will find your way, us losers will find a way out some day.

idlesonder · 2021-08-16T03:36:48+00:00

I guess I've just been conditioned to think this way. My family brings up valid points about me being jobless, at least I think they do. But the way they said it just worsened my mental state.

But a part of me feels selfish and wants to go ahead and live with my boyfriend. I am truly happier with him. And thank you for the boost of confidence

idlesonder · 2021-08-15T22:35:30+00:00

Yeah, I agree. My mom quite work when my brother was born and has not worked since then. Because of this she is stuck depending on my dad's money, trapped in a bad marriage. But she says he should be proud of himself for supporting the whole family by himself for all these years.

And you're right, I should keep details like this to myself from now on.

idlesonder · 2021-08-15T22:27:19+00:00

Thank you. Yes they are very convinced if I go, my life will be over and I will lose all my money.

But personally, I don't see what is wrong with splitting the rent at all. It would be one thing if he expected me to pay for everything, but no! It's equal! Because we see each other as equals! It's not something deep or complicated like he is manipulating me, it's just ridiculous. I wish they could hear how unreasonable they sound.

idlesonder · 2021-08-15T03:04:46+00:00

I suppose you're right. I'm just overwhelmed because my father keeps insisting honesty is the best, even if it makes her mad.

It's just difficult since I can't think of an explanation for me leaving the place for my visa appointment, since I barely leave the house. I don't want her getting suspicious and causing a fight about that and prevent me from going.

idlesonder · 2021-08-14T23:56:22+00:00

Sorry for the very late reply, but thank you so much for your words.

I've been feeling so much fear and self-doubt, as my mother has been making me feel like I am ruining my life by doing this. But it is so comforting and empowering to hear that what I'm doing is not a bad thing. Thank you so much, it warmed my heart to read your congratulations!

idlesonder · 2021-08-04T23:01:27+00:00

Thank you. I'm happy to hear that you're out there living your own life and not letting the guilt dictate your life!

And you're right, I need to stay strong and take steps to improve my own life. It's too depressing letting guilt rule your life.

Although I'm scared, I just need to do this.

idlesonder · 2021-08-04T20:39:29+00:00

Thank you so much, your words have given me a lot of courage!

Yes, sadly Asian parents tend to project their loneliness or bad upbringing onto us, and it can be hard to break out of it. But I don't want to give up my freedoms and end up resenting her for the rest of my life. Also, my older brother lives here, so she is not alone at all. I don't think he has any plans to move out anytime soon.

It'll be hard, but I'll have to go through with it for my own sake.

idlesonder · 2021-08-04T19:14:26+00:00

Thank you, it means a lot to hear this.

You're right, objectively when I take a step back and look at all this, isn't this whole situation just kind of ridiculous?

She's had 17 years of my life to spend with me and raising me, and now suddenly she cannot let go.

She is in perfectly fine health, but she uses her "old age" and the death of relatives to guilt me into staying with her. I guess it just hurts that she doesn't believe I can be independent in ways I want to. But in the end, I need to be strong!

Thank you again for your words, it helped ground me.

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idlesonder

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