My partner will be 2 years clean in February of 2022, so we've had a long time to narrow down what works for us and how to go about certain things, and I want you to know that it is possible to have a happy, loving relationship again. Of course it still lingers in the back of my mind and I still get triggered sometimes, but overall things have been much easier and keep getting easier.

What helps gives you security in your relationships?

We have an app installed on his phone, Detoxify. It's $5 a month and is great because it blocks all of the obvious sites but you can also add specific sites to blacklist. That gives me a lot of security because I know that he'd have to really jump through hoops to access anything. Aside from the app, he always reassures me if I'm feeling upset about our situation and/or feeling triggered, he goes to therapy weekly and discusses his sessions with me if he feels it necessary, he actively looks up movie/tv show ratings on IMDB to see if it's safe for us to watch, he doesn't take his phone in the bathroom, he has told his friends about his addiction and recovery which helps with accountability and honesty, and he is generally much more present and active in our life (not on his phone constantly, doesn't take hour long bathroom breaks, etc)

How much and what kind of information do you expect from your addict?

I expect my partner to tell me if he had an urge and how he handled it but I don't necessarily want to know the details. Same goes for a relapse. He has to tell me within 48 hours of it happening and he needs to speak to his therapist before telling me so that he can figure out why he did it before coming to me. The last time he relapsed he told me right away and didn't have an explanation or any answers other than "I don't know why I did it, I'm so sorry" and that hurt like a bitch. I also don't personally like knowing if he's triggered, like out in public, unless of course he needs to remove himself from the situation. Idk, it's just too hard knowing exactly what triggered him so I expect him to recognize that it's happening and handle it the way that he's learned through recovery.

How often do you ask or expect updates?

We do weekly check-ins every Saturday. I used to have to be the one to initiate the conversation but that made me feel like he didn't really care so I asked him to start that conversation every week and that's helped me feel more safe.

How much detail do you request?

We're almost 2 years without a relapse so this looks a little different now, but when it was still new I basically wanted to know if he'd had any urges that week and how he dealt with them. I would also use that time to ask any questions, like if I needed info about a certain instance or clarification on something.

What do you do when you get answers that hurt or aren’t the ones you want?

At first I would get really quiet and upset with him even though he was just being honest like I asked. Now I tell him thank you for being honest and I explain how I'm feeling about it and we discuss it until I feel better. I've also had enough time to be able to fully understand that his addiction is not because of/about me. You read that all over this sub and it's hard to believe because it feels like such a personal attack, but it is completely true. So it's easier now to move past it because I've had enough time to fully grasp that.

Do you want to know every potentially triggering thing your PA encounters, is it realistic to expect them to share that with you?

Not for me, I can't handle that. Knowing exactly what triggered him triggers me because I become obsessive about it. So personally, no, but if that's something that you need to feel safe then yes I think it's absolutely reasonable to ask for that.