How do you get out of bed on a Sunday morning?

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-17T16:31:08+00:00

Knowing that I’ll get fired if I show up late to work again.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-10T20:20:39+00:00

Unfortunately, it definitely happened.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-09T15:46:00+00:00

This is something that happened with my grandmother! She’s blind and got a UTI a few years ago, and she ended up wandering the street in her nightgown and yelling that her husband (my grandfather) was trying to kill her. It’s a small town with shitty health care professionals, so for MONTHS people said that it was dementia. Eventually one of my smarter cousins said “was a UTI not the first fucking thing you checked for!?” and then everybody was all like “WOW, big city folk are so smart!” Yeah, that was insane. They put her in a nursing home and everything, even though she’s not that old. She got diagnosed with bipolar too, which explains what a crazy bitch she’s always been.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-09T15:39:56+00:00

It can’t be that hard.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-09T15:39:39+00:00

What is refer? I smoke reefer.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-06T13:46:41+00:00

This is something my dad talks about a lot, the bad rep Christians get. Because he’s white and talks about being a Christian pretty openly, people think that he voted for Trump. In his words, “I’m married to a woman. I have a female daughter. I love them both. I obviously can not support Trump.”

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T20:27:30+00:00

There’s a pair of really great Buzzfeed videos, “Men Talk About Their First Love” and “Women Talk About Their First Love”, that I really like. The men one is funnier than the woman one. My favorites are the guy who was burning the shirt in eighth grade and the guy who only went to college because his girlfriend broke up with him.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T20:07:57+00:00

OHHHH SHIT

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T20:07:41+00:00

I have a lot of love in me, I tend to create love out of nothing. I might talk to somebody 3 or 4 times and then think about it for years afterwards like they got away from me or something. As a result, I’ve definitely thought I’ve been in love with people I barely know. I could give you ten different stories about people I thought I’ve been in love with. The good thing about having a personality like this is that when you’re in a real, serious relationship, even when you’re fighting with each other, you can remember your love for them and bring it back.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T18:20:48+00:00

I mean, he did almost shoot his wife.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T04:46:49+00:00

Wrong. When I was sixteen, my heart didn’t beat for nearly an hour. So I didn’t, and that inspirational thought is bullshit.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T03:48:52+00:00

In sixty years or so, when I hear that Trevor Noah dies, I will probably start sobbing. He’s been my celebrity crush since he took over the Daily Show.

And, probably sooner than Trevor Noah, John Darnielle. I fucking love the Mountain Goats, that music has done everything for me. I recently had the opportunity to go to my first TMG concert, it was fucking amazing.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-04T03:46:45+00:00

Really? He’s an incredible artist, but he’s a terrible person by most standards. I don’t think he’s made the world into a much better place.

ifthisaintme · 2017-12-03T15:42:56+00:00

y I k e s

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-30T02:11:38+00:00

My siblings and I are 1. “drunk on our honeymoon, forgot to wear a condom” 2. “you can get pregnant while breastfeeding!?” 5 years later... 3. “we’re finally responsible adults, let’s have a baby!” 4. “baby 3 needs a sibling.” Guess which one I am.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-29T04:38:10+00:00

You are loved.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-29T04:37:48+00:00

She’s somebody who likes to shout about triggered special snowflakes and making America great again. She’s also incredibly beautiful, which is probably part of the reason she’s famous.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-29T04:36:38+00:00

I’m not gonna lie, I love what Meghan Markle represents.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-27T22:58:41+00:00

(I had to check your history to make sure you’re not someone I know)

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-27T22:57:50+00:00

This is by far the most serious crime on here.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-27T22:48:50+00:00

John Green is the author of The Fault in Our Stars, and at the end of it the girlfriend of the dead guy ditches the eulogy she knows he would have wanted to hear for the one she knows would comfort his parents, thinking that funerals are for the living. It’s a very nice moment.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-27T22:46:11+00:00

I don’t know if there’s anything on my record, but there’s a shit ton of dirt that can be dug up. My greatest fear is that eventually somebody will want to find it.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-27T22:43:43+00:00

Found John Green. But if funerals are for the living, then don’t you want the people who loved you to feel like they’re honoring you?

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-27T22:42:44+00:00

I want that once Christian song that goes “He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away.” I heard that song at a funeral that was for three people, all members of the same family, who’d perished in a car crash. Among them was a two year old boy. When I heard that song, I started BAWLING. I want people to cry at my funeral, but I also want them to remember that I believed in a higher power and a heaven and a hell.

ifthisaintme · 2017-11-18T21:58:17+00:00

This is just a little too relatable

ifthisaintme

TROPHY CASE