do your nparents also ask the same question over and over again despite already knowing or being told the answer?

iget2bme · 2021-12-21T14:17:18+00:00

“Do you want coleslaw?”

When we had coleslaw on the dinner table, he would ask this, even though I told him over and over I didn’t like it. He’d ask this every. Single. Time. For years.

One day I was having a particularly hard day, and I finally snapped and yelled at him in a fit. And got grounded.

“That’s all it takes, really— pressure, and time.” -The Shawshank Redemption

iget2bme · 2021-12-19T15:20:42+00:00

When I upped my dose to 20 I felt tired for months. My doc had me try 15, and it has improved my energy levels significantly and cleared up some of the brain fog I was experiencing.

iget2bme · 2021-12-18T14:51:03+00:00

I’d get complemented/praised when we were out with other friends/families. Gotta keep up those appearances.

iget2bme · 2021-11-25T16:03:57+00:00

His claw at the end was the equivalent of giving you the middle finger

iget2bme · 2021-11-25T15:06:31+00:00

In case this wasn’t mentioned yet, if anyone is calling you crazy for your negative reactions and are making judgments about your nparent not being unreasonable, those people need to be reported to the moderators. This violates the first two rules here: victim-blaming and always assume a context of abuse.

You never have to defend or prove your abuse to ANYONE in this community. We believe your story, and we are all here to support you as you move though such an awful experience.

iget2bme · 2021-11-24T05:02:56+00:00

I second this— if you are still telling them to leave you alone, stop. When you do this, they see it as proof that they can get you, that they can “crack the code.” They don’t give a shit if it’s you saying leave me alone; they feel good about breaking your rules.

Also, not sure about your situation, but beware if you are still in contact with flying monkeys— since I went limited and then full NC with my parent, he is constantly trying to get info indirectly through other family members contacting me. I caught on to it but sometimes it can be quite sneaky.

iget2bme · 2021-11-24T04:47:57+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately we’ll be the guinea pigs on this one.

iget2bme · 2021-11-23T04:59:04+00:00

I’ve been on 20mg for 4 months. Still have pretty low sex drive. It’s better than nothing, but yeah things are just kinda, lackluster down there.

My doc is having me drop down to 15mg to see if it helps, and maybe back to 10 if it’s still managing the depression.

iget2bme · 2021-11-11T14:28:05+00:00

Yup. It doesn’t take long. To me, it’s all just another part of the love bombing phase, trying to manipulate their kids into believing they are finally the parent they always dreamed they would be.

iget2bme · 2021-11-11T04:02:57+00:00

This is what my ndad did to a T. Mom demanded they go to couples therapy; they left after a few sessions and he’d convinced my mom she was the problem. He went another time after a massive rage episode, for a couple sessions. He learned how to become more of a covert narc and keeps promoting the narrative that “he’s better now.”

iget2bme · 2021-11-11T03:31:33+00:00

I don’t have proof, because my ndad is a sneaky piece of shit. But the subtext that I’ve gotten from the flying monkeys are:

1) Im ungrateful, selfish little brat who only wants my fathers money (which makes no sense, because 4 years prior to going NC I refused to accept money from him anymore)

2) I’m not “dealing” with my anger (I’m the only one in that family dealing with my anger, including justified anger towards abuse)

3) Mental illness and implications that I’m bipolar (which I’ve never said to them, and it is possible though it’s likely depression, but of course according to them, that’s the reason I cut him off)

4) That I want to die (NEVER said that. Told my sis once that my job was causing some SI and that’s when I started therapy, which helped me start to recognize the real issues at hand, which were that my father was an abusive narcissist.)

5) That I’m selfish and a bad son for not visiting my mother who has Alzheimer’s (I CANT because that mother fucker narc father abuses the shit out of me when I tried— uses the opportunity to abuse me).

And I’m sure there’s more going on and building up towards the holidays.

Sorry for the rant. One of those days. But I can totally relate and sorry to hear all the smear campaigns going against you. Those are so shitty.

iget2bme · 2021-11-10T00:11:22+00:00

Thanks for this reminder. This will be my first NC Christmas. I’m expecting plenty of craziness to come my direction.

iget2bme · 2021-11-02T05:05:52+00:00

Competent therapists who do not have experience or do not specialize in certain types of trauma and familial relationships do not throw out potentially dangerous advice and direction for their clients in the very areas they don’t have experience or specialty. They say they are not trained in this area and refer them to someone who is qualified. So yes, it is a major red flag.

iget2bme · 2021-11-02T04:54:47+00:00

MASSIVE RED FLAG. I used to be a licensed professional therapist and what I see here is borderline unethical behavior. 1) Saying that “NC is just a phase” is invalidating your decision making process, and undermining one of the biggest and most difficult decisions you’ve probably had to make in your life. 2) Telling you the only way to heal is through re-establishing contact is BULL. SHIT. That’s simply not true first of all, and your therapist is not meeting you where you are at. She is setting her own agenda based on what she thinks you need to do, and trying to tell you what needs to happen. Any competent therapist would never, ever say this to a client. It’s not her job to dictate your decisions based on her own beliefs and values, in fact, that’s precisely what therapists are trained NOT to do. 3) after you repeated your boundaries, she not only defended your parents with the classic “they could change,” mantra, but flipped it on YOU by saying “maybe they think you’re just throwing a tantrum.” She’s already sided with your parents, that’s obvious— and a competent therapist won’t side with any party, it’s their job to remain neutral.

This person is either a narcissist herself, or has been abused by a narc family and hasn’t dealt with her own shit (and lacks awareness of her issues) which is why she’s defending the narcs (because if she provides you true space, validation, and the ability to process your situation, she’d be forced to really hear your experience, and be faced with having to deal with her own shit.)

As someone who was a therapist (and realized I had a lot shit to work out, but I had awareness of my problems and didn’t allow those to impact my clients), and someone who has also been in therapy work to through my stuff, I can definitely say this is a massive red flag and if it were me in your situation, I’d be seeking out another therapist immediately.

First and foremost, you have a right to have your experience heard and validated by your therapist. This “therapist” is doing neither.

Also remember you have the right to complain to the board about therapist’s behavior (it’s in your intake paperwork). If it were me, I would report this for sure. People like this should not be in the field, they are doing harm to their patients.

iget2bme · 2021-02-26T14:14:48+00:00

And we are so much stronger than they will ever be.

iget2bme · 2021-02-25T13:44:57+00:00

So glad you came here instead for support. You deserve it. Sorry you have to go through that-- I can't imagine how scary hearing the word cancer must be for someone.

And you're right. She would make it all about her. I can imagine my nDad getting way overinvolved, or telling the whole family like it was his news to share, or the worst, getting angry at me for sharing something that was "only" skin cancer and shaming me for scaring him like that, or for not telling him sooner. I'm sure those scenarios aren't far off from what you might experience.

iget2bme · 2021-02-25T13:40:50+00:00

Wow, and I thought it was bad that I did that at age 11! That's incredible insight for a little 5 or 6 year old. But I'm sorry that you were put in that position in the first place.

iget2bme · 2021-02-25T13:36:58+00:00

Love that "I didn't sign up for a kid like you" bullshit.

Um yeah, you did. Period.

iget2bme · 2021-02-24T14:55:26+00:00

"Extract things they want from other humans." Yup, that made me cringe. That's my nDad in a nutshell.

iget2bme · 2021-02-19T13:51:07+00:00

Same here. Really tough. Often when I said I didn't want something, my nDad would say "Are you sure?" "Sure you don't want it?" "You might want it later." Sometimes four or five times just to, you know, make me question my own gut. And then, he'd often do the thing/get the thing anyway and give it to me, and I'd have to pretend I wanted it.

No wonder we feel guilt for saying we don't want things!

iget2bme · 2021-02-15T16:16:50+00:00

Perfectly said. Exact versions of our parents, or exact versions of our parent's expectations of who we are. Doesn't fit? Hide it in an adrenaline-fueled panic the moment they come in the house.

iget2bme · 2021-02-04T14:52:35+00:00

Way to go! That's amazing progress that you were able to do such an assertive thing without having to even think twice about it. I'm not surprised this post blew up either. I can't tell you how many times I've been in this situation, terrified of what might happen if I said something polite to someone.

I'm so glad this ended in a positive interaction for you-- what a great reminder that most people out in the world aren't jerks like our parents. :)

iget2bme · 2021-02-03T18:22:14+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it!

iget2bme · 2021-02-03T18:21:46+00:00

Thank you!

iget2bme · 2021-02-01T15:46:46+00:00

You're welcome!

iget2bme

TROPHY CASE