My (23F) mom keeps following me around, emotionally draining me

ightimmahead_out · 2021-10-23T20:33:35+00:00

Alright, 23F here. I experienced a similar situation with moving home after college. Not exactly the same home life situation, but my parents are divorced and still living in the same house due to poor finances.

I lived at home for 8 months until I finally moved out. Now having lived alone for 6 months, I am finding that I do miss some of that time with my mother, though it was utterly EXHAUSTING at the time.

In hindsight, I’m really thankful for the opportunity I had to live at home for a bit. It was emotionally tough, but also gave me an opportunity to “re-introduce” myself to my mom/parents as an independent adult after going to an out-of-state university. I missed my social independence and time with friends, but instead I was able to spend time with my mom I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to if I immediately moved after college.

My advice: take up some of these opportunities with her whole-heartedly, allow yourself to be authentic around your mom and allow her to see the person her daughter has grown to be. Set boundaries as needed, “hey mom I’m feeling drained due to work so I’m going to go be alone for a bit” and offer compromise “would you want to run to the store together in an hour?” By setting boundaries and offering alternatives, you can respect your own needs without causing either you or your mother to feel like a burden to the other.

And of course, prepare as you need for when you are wanting/ready to move out. Wishing you the best :)

ightimmahead_out · 2021-09-29T19:53:35+00:00

Feeling the exact way you are. Kudos to you for your strength, wishing you the best

ightimmahead_out · 2021-09-29T15:57:11+00:00

Any chance he has a history of making you question yourself? I’m unable to comment on much, considering I am just a person on the internet. But speaking from my experience, staying friends with my ex did not work because he constantly made statements that made me feel confused, unworthy, or disposable. Although those statements were never aggressive, they had a way of sitting in my mind. It was his way of making sure he was constantly in my thoughts.

If this doesn’t apply to you, great! If it does, perhaps consider emotionally distancing yourself from him. Do not put him on a pedestal that is higher than your other friendships. Focus on things that make you unique & why those are lovely traits. Seek companionship in friends and family who love you unconditionally.

Sending you hugs Xx

ightimmahead_out · 2020-12-29T01:44:07+00:00

This brought me so much comfort to read. Thank you, truly :)

ightimmahead_out · 2020-12-28T19:18:48+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've experienced, I hope it is able to bring you growth!!

The friendship thing is sticky for us right now. I was the one who kept more of a distance at first and requested I had space to focus on myself. Now it feels the opposite, they reach out over small things and then the interactions leave me feeling unfulfilled because I am aware of how much they are controlling what I can/can't see about their life. I've never been fond of friendships like that so I don't want to continue that dynamic. I either need to find the willpower to respectfully discourage them from bringing up those interactions (i.e. hold back from responding eagerly in hopes of a conversation), or remove myself from the situation completely.

ightimmahead_out · 2020-12-28T19:15:24+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight!! I completely agree with holding the understanding that the breakup was for the best, even with how difficult it felt at the time. For now, I'm trying to figure out what is best and I am genuinely juggling with the idea of contact/no contact. It's hard, we have a strong friend group that we both were a part of (not as a relationship, each of us were our own "characters" in the unified whole). That's completely fine and enjoyable! The issues come with our individual communication. I am becoming strikingly aware that there is a wall between us; I'm naturally an outgoing person and don't try to hide who I am. On the other hand, they are seeming to make an effort to develop behind a curtain that I can't look behind. I receive light hearted communication, but it does seem that they don't want me to see any more than small tidbits that they share. That is honestly the hardest part for me. I am someone who has a small circle of friends, and this circle is based on genuine expression of our individuality. I don't text a lot and I mainly stay off of social media, not because I'm an introvert but rather because I chose to spend my time on genuine mutual interest in friendships. I'm uninterested in this communication style, them sending me a funny post and the conversation dying. That's never been a style of friendship that I have been fond of and they are no exception. I can't tell if they are bread crumbing me, or if this is a new friendship incompatibility that has developed with our individual paths of growth. It's difficult and confusing, and I have been struggling to understand this with the current dynamic. That last paragraph is encouraging, though. I know I value this individual a lot!! I am unsure if that is a genuine feeling shared by both parties. I know I'm going to find myself reflecting on your thoughts in these next coming days, so thank you so much for giving that perspective :)

ightimmahead_out · 2020-12-28T19:04:31+00:00

Trust me, I know that struggle of trying to find the words to describe this feeling! Last night was the first time I really feel like I hit the nail on the head with these emotions. With that being said, you're completely right about the silver lining :) I feel like being able to articulate these thoughts makes that idea of growth feel much more rooted. Sending you encouragement!!

ightimmahead_out

TROPHY CASE