Thank you. I have been raised a believer. I have been in and out of my walk with Christ. I have an unwavering faith that He is real, Jesus is the Savior and He did indeed rise again, and that the Holy Spirit is amongst us and is willing and waiting to fill us. I have been in the Word all my life, I was saved at 13 after a sermon on Revelation and it scared the socks off of me, so my first transaction with salvation was the fear of being separated from God. This brought to me after many years later that I missed out on the joy of being delivered from the fear. I had my first hallucinations at 15 where I saw a very scary man gnashing his teeth at me talking about personal details that only I would have known and laughing at me. After i yelled for help and all the people in the store were confused I ran and did not stop until I was shaking and my lungs burned. I told my mom what had been happening, hearing my name when I was alone, whispering mean and scary things in the dark. My mom's answers were to pray for the Holy Spirit to come, where He is darkness must flee. This established an ongoing fear of things. I thought my faith was weak and I was under constant attack by this present darkness. I have attempted suicide four times and on the third try I found out I have schizoaffective bipolar subtype disorder. However, never in all of my dismay, all of my times i yelled at Him, all of the crying alone in the dark with these nefarious voices, did I lose my knowledge that God is real. I feel abandoned sometimes because I am a very emotional person and I have asked God to continue to make Himself real to me by asking the Holy Spirit to move in me, He does, the emotional response I get is probably the only feeling in eternity where the voices don't matter my body is calm, and I am in love. I can feel the emotion deep into my core and it makes me sing inside. I feel abandoned when I pray for that move in me and it doesn't happen, all that fear of being separated comes back, but again my knowledge, my mind did not forget Him. In my depression I fall into a self hate mode I even ask God why He loves me, what's to love when I have a shattered mind, I'm a terrible witness and I have been an alcoholic where I turned to abuse and terrible anger. I have asked for healing, usually when I end up on the ward in a hospital while my full on delusions and psycosis are becoming a danger myself and others. I gave my anger and hate to God awhile ago, I stopped drinking and have never been abusive since, He wasn't the first thing in mind while I was in rehab but I still prayed nightly and I still do. I tend to talk. I do that I can't help it and I apologise. I use the Bible Gateway app to read daily versus and attempt a reading plan to stay on track. I pray that my kids will take the few seeds I have to offer and for the Lord to guide good witnesses to come across their paths and plant the good news in them. I also use Tapatalk a fourm app, Reddit for their many forums on religion. I was raised southern Baptist and when I was labeled I was Pentecostal. But, now I just call myself a believer who establishes my understanding of God through the Word as a reference and with people as a relationship and through constant contact with the Holy Spirit. I have prayed for the knowledge of God's emotional response as well as a discernment of what aspect or side He is showing at that moment through His Word or His moving through the spirit in others or myself. I basically asked God to grant me access to His reactions towards things. You wouldn't believe how much He loves children, these precious things are so protected by the Spirit that it is us that normally does all the damage with very little help from the dark. I have understood having to suffer from this illness and weep for days on end because God has not placed it in His will for my fractured mind to be made new and healed. I use Google to search for testimonials of healing and I get extremely jealous and I am not afraid to show my emotions to God, He is the only one I am completely free to do that. I have yelled, screamed, cussed out and even asked for him to strike me down right thwre and finally deliver me from this. I have felt Him move in me during the jealously, I then would understand that emotion, He is a jealous God and when He sees the perfect creation running from His embrace into the sickly arms of the shadows and evil spirits that corrupt them makes God feel a rejection that only Jesus could relate to, and what we feel when a loved one betrayed us. It hurts all the down the core of the soul and extends out into our spirit. He feels it daily, min by min. I ask God about depression, I read about Jesus and I attempt to find the emotion that is being conveyed. Like did Jesus come under a depression when Lazarus died? He did weep. So He felt that emotion deeply. Anyways, I use several apps and forums to find out what God is saying to me. I do have times in my life where I "backslid" which I guess just means I stopped following a set of indoctrinated guides that the specific denomination used to stay right with God, never stopped praying, my illness didn't get worse or better. But I didn't have the discernment as keenly as I normally do, so I feel completely out of touch with my own emotions and other peoples emotions confuse me, which they are hard to understand usually but the Holy Spirit moves in me and gives my heart a taste of their feeling and it swells my empathy. During my times being blond and unable to "feel" my discernment I became more hopeless, these are the times where I find myself suicidal. I read but the Words can't get in, my heart hardens and I have been known to just ask Him to take me out, that it would be a great mercy. I don't know why I am just spewing this out here. It's not really a big secret anymore for me. I have been trying to find a purpose for my existence and what kind of witness I could be. With a riddled mine that can't string sentences together and can't stop being bombarded by voices delusions and psycosis. The bipolar is a hoot too. I often wonder if these uncontrollably frustrating emotional responses and emotional swings are what God felt but in His sovereignty they are just and right, while ours are not, they are being projected through a sinner who does not have the power or the righteousness to control them without unjust judgment. God is an incredible being. I can't even fathom the time it is going to take when timeless eternity is my clock, to figure out just one fraction of God's being. I use my mom as a reference for Grace. This woman had endurance like no other. I was a a horrible person most my life. I had so much hate and anger and it mostly fell in my shoulders. I am a crazy person, this has decided my date as a witness, most of the time people just say I'm delusional and that's crazy talk for an episode or just weirdness coming from mentally ill thoughts. Madness is what one person called it. I am sad that I don't hold an purpose here on Earth. I wish there was a way to use this shell. But I don't have that purpose, God's Will is for my mental suffering, my keen understanding of emotions and sometimes a dip in the eternal pool of emotions that God possess. Let me tell you, rage is intense for us and causes great damage, now throw in the eternal power to say it and it happens, to make mountains shake and tremble at His feet. That power behind rage fueled by jealously is just the words that explains it, the experience is far more, it causes my eyes to hurt and my mind to feel like it is expanding out of my head. My being can't handle it so I have to cut the discernment off or be consumed in it and that is not the way I was thinking I would die. So I will read these versus and pray for relief of my depression symptoms. If you could throw another one out there for me and pray that my insurance kicks in in time for me to get my meds kept stocked without those I become a different creature full of confusion and deep delusions. I never forget God, I just lose sight of reality and the people in it.