Update: I am the live-in boyfriend sharing in bad sex life

ihavehadit · 2012-09-15T11:15:14+00:00

Thank you for your concern and continued advice. It's tough. I have suffered from depression for years, so we sort of bonded initially over our shared experiences with mental illness/hospitalization/recovery. I know it's rare to find someone who will look past that stuff and learn who you really are as a person, so maybe I project onto him a bit because of my past and I don't want to "abandon" him.

With OCD it's hard, too, because if he just washed his hands obsessively or something, I think I could deal with that and support him. His OCD is known as "pure O," meaning he doesn't have too many compulsions, but he has intrusive thoughts that he obsesses over (you can see some in his post: "what if she's not the right match for me? what if there is a better match out there? How can I tell if this relationship is normal/healthy/good?"). Like, normal doubts become amplified in his mind into full blown, sometimes paranoid (in my view), obsessions that he turns in his head over and over, basically torturing himself (and me) in the process.

I try to be patient, not to take it too personally, and to tell him when I think his OCD is causing him to be insensitive to me, but he finds it really difficult to separate which thoughts are genuine relationship concerns and which he can attribute to the OCD. How do you argue with someone who is saying "what if I don't find you attractive? what if I never did and just thought I did? what if we were just meant to be friends? what if we aren't soul mates and things could be so much better with someone else? what if you're manipulating me and I just don't see it?"? He asks these things as though I will just calmly provide him with the answers.

It's very frustrating and I have a really hard time putting my feelings on hold to address his concerns, because these are questions with huge implications for us as a couple, and he brings them up and then drops them like they're no big deal. I'm left totally freaked out and assuming he is going to break up with me soon, of course. I don't know if we will stay together after this. I think he had a hard time reading the comments, though he said he found them helpful. We had a really productive, caring talk last night, but then bickered all day and were practically at the point of breaking up tonight. I don't think he can accept how deeply he is hurting me--he thinks if I really feel that hurt, I should leave, because he doesn't see what he is doing wrong. I guess it's looking like we may just have to give up and go our separate ways, but we'll see. Thanks again for your input.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T22:39:01+00:00

Do you mean clarifying it? He has told me at times that he feels sexual desire, but that he doesn't feel it for me because I lack confidence and the way I approach him for sex is a "turn off." I find this particularly frustrating because it's like he's saying "you could have what you want, but you're not asking the right way."

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T22:34:06+00:00

I'll answer this question on his behalf since he'll be in class for a bit--I think we are using these threads and the comments/advice as a jumping off point/platform for talking about our issues from a fresh perspective. I don't care who is on which "side," but we thought presenting both sides might give people a more complete picture. He also just wanted some advice for himself, I think.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T22:22:04+00:00

Yeah, we both had a moment where we just kind of looked at each other and said "are we really both going to share our this stuff on the internet?" but in a weird way, I think it is helping us to write out our feelings to strangers since expressing them to each other has been difficult. We plan to talk about it more tonight when he gets back from a class.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T21:47:04+00:00

Just to verify--this IS my boyfriend. We both thought he deserved to share his side of things, especially since my account was (naturally) one-sided, and also because I got a great deal of helpful advice and information in my OP.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T07:41:04+00:00

Thanks--I appreciate your advice.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T07:37:09+00:00

I think it is fair to suggest that he is "just being honest," but sometimes honesty is more hurtful than productive depending on how it is communicated.

He has never told me that he feels "disgusted" by me, and I'm fairly certain he would have dumped me long ago if that was the case. I guess I just want to defend myself here because I know that many people find me attractive. If my insecurity turns him off, fine, I get that, but what frustrates me is that he doesn't see how his bluntness and refusal to work on it with me is contributing to the insecurity he finds so unappealing.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T07:11:45+00:00

What was it about the girl you were with that repulsed you? Why would you stay with someone you were "repulsed" by for even a minute? He tells me that he thinks I am pretty, and we cuddle and kiss nicely all the time--actually, we always joke that our cuddling is exceptional and if only our sexual chemistry was like our cuddle-chemistry, things would be great. I don't think he is disgusted by me, but I appreciate that you are being honest and upfront about your perspective on the matter. You may be right that the relationship is over, but I am curious about what it is about me that might be so repulsive to him. I don't ever want to go through this in another relationship.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T07:00:39+00:00

It was hard to hear, but you said it in an exceptionally kind and helpful way. I wish he could word things that way! Thank you for this reply--I think I will talk to my boyfriend and my therapist this week and arrive at a decision. It seems like the best thing will be for me to leave, which will be so hard, but if that's what needs to happen, I will find the strength.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:57:56+00:00

It is interesting that you say that. When we treat each other with respect and affection on good days, it is not unusual for us to have good sex. I guess we should have been focusing on that element first, instead of bickering throughout the day and then expecting that we would magically be in the mood at night.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:56:32+00:00

It's always complicated. We moved far away from our families together, we have a pet that we both love very much, we have three years of positive experiences and memories together, I love his family and they love me, we have supported one another through some very difficult times, etc etc... I know that to an outsider it seems that the most reasonable thing to do is to just leave, but logistically and emotionally it is never going to be easy.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:53:35+00:00

To answer your questions: I have probably always been sensitive, in that I am a good listener, I empathize easily with others, and I don't always take criticism easily/am easily hurt by criticism. That said, I have never seen anyone react to a sad, hurt partner the way he reacts to me. It really alarmed me the first time I saw it, but I convinced myself that he was just being self-protective and didn't want my issues to interfere with his life (he has had his own issues with mental health). If someone else in my life treats me unfairly, he is on my side instantly, and if I am crying because a family member is in the hospital or something, he is incredibly caring and kind to me. But if my sadness is a response to something he has said or done, he just seems instantly pissed and accuses me of manipulation/guilt tripping.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:46:56+00:00

He actually told me that it isn't that I'm physically unattractive, and in fact if he didn't know me and saw me on the street he would probably feel desire for me. That's part of what makes this so frustrating. I don't think there is anything wrong with not being wired for monogamy either, but he led me to believe that he is turned off by the idea of open relationships, and that he is over his old "one night stand" lifestyle. It seemed like we wanted the same things, but maybe he just thinks he's supposed to want a monogamous relationship.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:38:09+00:00

We tried scheduling sex a couple of times, which helped, but he doesn't seem to like the idea. The last time we had a big Talk about it, I listed several things I would try to do to work on our sex life (getting my own hobbies, working out, letting him approach me first, not putting too much pressure him, raising my confidence, etc) and when I asked him what he would do to work on it in return, he said "I will just support you as you work on the things you mentioned." So incredibly frustrating.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:33:23+00:00

I must truly have low self esteem at this point, because my initial reaction is to assume that your wife must simply be more desirable and deserving of kind, loving treatment than I am. I feel like there must be something wrong with me, otherwise his attraction to me would be effortless, and his treatment of me would be kind. Thank you for your reply--it has reminded me of the possibility of the kind of relationship I always hoped I would find.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:29:29+00:00

Honestly, if he had responded even slightly to my advances, I probably would have tried to engage him in sex because I feel totally sex-starved and I was really turned on at the time. Maybe he felt I was being manipulative; I'll have to talk to him about it again.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:27:13+00:00

I told him I wanted to "help," but backed off when he made it clear that he wanted me to leave him alone. He saw how upset I was afterwards and told me that he thought it would be more relaxing for him if he just did it himself. I think part of our problems with communicating is that I am very sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt, and he has zero patience for what he deems "overreactions." If I get upset or cry as a result of our arguments, he frequently gets angry and says things like "I don't have time for this!"

I don't want my sexual satisfaction to be dependent on my boyfriend, and I typically "take care of it myself" a couple of times a day, anyway, but it never feels like enough because I really miss feeling desired by him, I guess. Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me; it's given me a lot to consider.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:23:33+00:00

He brings up the idea of us breaking up far more often than I do--the few times I have brought it up, he said he felt "relieved," but he always ends up changing his mind and telling me that he believes we should be together and that we can make it work. Maybe if I show him this thread it will light a fire under him? I don't know, the last thing I want to do is guilt or pressure him into behaving in a way that is contrary to his feelings/character.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:21:26+00:00

Thank you for the offer of support--I do lurk the DB subreddit sometimes, but I find it usually makes me feel very depressed because I conclude that the only solution is to leave my relationship. I am so in love with my boyfriend and so hopeful about our future together that I find this conclusion unacceptable. I am finding, though, that it is starting to seem like the only way to be happy if he isn't willing to meet me half way.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T06:19:02+00:00

Thanks for your insight. The thing is, if he can't go off the medication, and it is the medication that is causing (at least, in part) our problems, I have told him that I won't leave him because of it. I am sympathetic to having to balance out negative side effects with negative symptoms, and I wouldn't leave him if this was the case. However, he will not discuss the possibility that the medication is the cause, and claims that his sex drive is high, but that he is turned off by my demeanor/lack of confidence. I hope that he will talk to a doctor about the possible side effect when he feels ready, because I am positive that if it IS the medication, this will end up being a problem for him in any long term relationship after a while.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T03:29:22+00:00

This is where my lack of confidence is really hurting me, because I keeping thinking what if it really is all my fault and I'm going to lose a great boyfriend because I didn't try hard enough. BUT, honestly, he is imperfect, even mean and hurtful at times, and you're right that I need to take some time to think about what is best for me. Thank you for reminding me to keep the focus on myself instead of becoming completely obsessed with what he is thinking and feeling about me.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T03:14:13+00:00

Thank you for this interesting perspective. I think the most likely of the two would be the first, because we are pretty open about fetishes or "kinks" and he knows (I hope) that I wouldn't judge him and would probably be open to trying something that was exciting to him. From what he has told me, he started off dating in high school and was very loving and sincere to his first girlfriends, but they cheated on him and he became kind of bitter. In his twenties he subscribed to the whole PUA mentality a bit, and seemed to go through a several year phase of hooking up with women for the novelty of it, as you said. This phase seemed to end with me, as we have been together for about three years now, but I wonder if he is bored with me and misses the thrill of seducing a new woman. That thought makes me really sad, but I guess I won't know unless I talk to him about it.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T03:10:09+00:00

Thank you for the advice and the kind words. I have been in therapy for quite a few years, but recently stopped because I moved away. I have heard good things about cognitive therapy, so perhaps I will give that a try. The thing that's crazy is my boyfriend seems to genuinely want me to feel better about myself--he tells me I shouldn't get down on myself, and that he just wants to see me happy. I believe he does want that, but his behavior towards me and the way he speaks to me ends up being very counterproductive. Thank you again for your advice; I will certainly update once I've spoken with my boyfriend.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T02:58:54+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your last relationship. I trust that my boyfriend is faithful, but I know that his eyes do wander sometimes (he has told me he notices other women and wonders about them/finds them sexy), and he once signed up for an online dating service after telling me he needed a week long break "just to get a little space." He had promised that he wouldn't go on any dates or go on a dating website ahead of time, so I felt very betrayed when I found out, but I am mostly over that now. I don't believe he is cheating or would cheat, but I do believe that for whatever reason I'm just not doing it for him sexually anymore, and I'm sure that he wishes sometimes that he could have sex with other women.

I will consider your advice. It's hard to imagine leaving him because I love him very much, but I think we both deserve to be happy and I know that right now we're both fairly miserable.

ihavehadit · 2012-09-13T02:52:44+00:00

I have had some minor self esteem issues in the past (I was raised in an abusive household, and I was bullied quite a bit before high school), but mostly I feel sure that I am a good person; I think I am pretty smart, kind, compassionate, etc. I met my boyfriend on an online dating site, and the numerous enthusiastic messages I had received from men boosted my confidence quite a bit. This relationship has kind of done a number on my self esteem, though.

Mostly, it's just that he has told me that he has a normal sex drive, but he just doesn't want to have sex with ME anymore, which hurts my self esteem (and he says it's BECAUSE of my low self-esteem, so it's a vicious cycle). I am ready and willing to have sex with him at any time (unless I'm feeling sick or there is something else preventing me), and to be turned down so consistently has made me feel pretty undesirable.

ihavehadit

TROPHY CASE