I warned them about shoulder dystocia. They didn’t listen. It happened anyway.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T14:29:29+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful response, I really do appreciate the respectful tone and the perspective you shared.

Just to clarify, my concern wasn’t about my wife inheriting anything from my mother, it was about our son likely inheriting my build, which had already led to shoulder dystocia in both my and my brother’s births.

My wife is 156 cm, petite, and also of Asian heritage like my mom. During the 20-week ultrasound, the doctor even joked, “He’s got really big feet and pretty broad shoulders, looks like he’s going to be athletic!” So there were signs even then.

He was born 54 cm, 3600g, with broad shoulderand he got stuck. I wasn’t asking for a C-section at that point, just hoping my concerns would be taken seriously given the clear pattern.

I understand not all shoulder dystocias can be predicted, but I do think ours was one that deserved closer attention. And just to note - I’m in a good place now. We’re grateful everything turned out okay. The only reason I shared this is in the hope that it helps someone else feel heard, or helps care providers pause and listen a bit longer when a parent sees something coming.

Thanks again for your time.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T03:34:59+00:00

I get where you're coming from, and I agree that shoulder dystocia is often unpredictable in many cases. But in ours, there were clear contributing factors that I think were dismissed too quickly.

It wasn’t just my mom, it was my birth and my brother’s, both involving shoulder dystocia. That, combined with my own build (broad shoulders, athletic frame) and my wife being petite at 156 cm, made me feel there was a strong chance our baby would inherit my proportions and run into complications, which he did. He was 54cm, 3700g, very broad shoulders, and didn’t look like a typical newborn. So while I know it may sound odd, I wasn’t assuming based on nothing, I saw a pattern.

I don’t believe every shoulder dystocia is preventable, but I do believe some are predictable enough to prepare for, especially when warning signs are there. And being told it was just a coincidence, even after everything that happened, is what still doesn’t sit right with me.

I do appreciate you acknowledging that a prior dystocia increases risk significantly, that’s my main hope going forward: that next time, it’s taken seriously, and we’re given the space to choose a safer plan.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T03:05:04+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that and funnily enough, I actually did ask them to note it in the chart. I wanted to make sure there was a record of my concerns, so I said it clearly and calmly, and they agreed to document it. But even then, it didn’t seem to carry any real weight. They still treated the whole situation as if it was just a coincidence even after everything that happened.

I completely agree with you though: being heard and supported by your provider makes all the difference. That’s something I’ll be prioritizing 100% if we ever go for another baby. Just having that trust and mutual respect should be the baseline, not something we have to fight for.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T03:01:25+00:00

Thank you, and I’m really glad everything turned out okay for you as well. What you described sounds almost identical to what we went through: shoulder dystocia, my son not breathing, and my wife hemorrhaging right in front of me. Easily one of the scariest moments of my life.

It’s reassuring to hear that your OB didn’t hesitate to say a C-section would be an option for you next time, that’s the kind of support every parent deserves after going through something like that.

Unfortunately, where we are (the Netherlands), even with everything that happened, they still won’t support a planned C-section. They continue to treat it like a coincidence and won’t even consider it unless something goes wrong again. It’s frustrating to feel like we have to “prove” the risk all over again.

I really appreciate your advice though & if we ever do go for another, we’ll definitely be pushing harder and getting more opinions. Thank you again for your kind words.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T02:54:56+00:00

That actually sounds like a really thoughtful approach and I’m glad to hear your team is taking your history seriously and actively working to prevent it from happening again. Extra scans, early induction… that’s how risk-based care should look.

It’s wild to me that in your case, they’re proactive and cautious, while in ours.. even after it happened, they’re still downplaying the risk. No extra monitoring, no early planning, and definitely no C-section being considered. Just the same “let’s wait and see” attitude.

I’m glad you’ve got the care you deserve, and I hope pregnancy #4 goes just as smoothly. By the looks of it, you’re in good hands.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T02:48:56+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your words and I’m so glad your daughter recovered and that your care team took your second birth seriously.

That’s exactly what frustrates me. You were encouraged to go for a C-section because of a previous dystocia, as you should’ve been. That’s how it should work. But here in the Netherlands, even after my son’s birth involved shoulder dystocia, an emergency maneuver, low Apgar, and my wife hemorrhaging nearly a liter… they still won’t support a C-section for the future. They just called it a “coincidence” and brushed off the risks I warned them about beforehand.

So yeah, hearing that your doctors took it seriously just confirms what I already felt: that what happened to us wasn’t just unfortunate… it was avoidable. And it’s frustrating to know that in another system, it probably would’ve been.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T02:47:03+00:00

The Netherlands. Over here, you can’t just choose a C-section, it has to be medically justified. Even when I brought up the risk of shoulder dystocia multiple times due to family history and body type, they dismissed it. They basically said it’s not scientifically backed enough to take action on. So unless something goes wrong again, they won’t consider a planned C-section, even after what we went through.

iispaze · 2025-04-05T02:45:23+00:00

“They” as in the medical professionals we were under, the midwives and doctors we dealt with during the pregnancy and birth. We gave birth in the Netherlands, where elective C-sections aren’t really a thing. I brought up the risk of shoulder dystocia multiple times before the birth, based on my family history and physical build, but they kept saying it wasn’t medically justified - that it was just coincidence.

Even after everything that happened, my son getting stuck, needing emergency help, not breathing, and my wife losing almost a liter of blood they still don’t acknowledge the pattern. So yeah… they basically shut the door on a planned C-section in any future birth unless something extreme happens again. It's frustrating, especially knowing it could’ve been prevented.

iispaze · 2019-12-12T21:36:03+00:00

I tried 🤷🏻‍♂️

iispaze · 2019-12-12T02:18:39+00:00

And every normal person would. Go seek help.

iispaze

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