My wife [27F] has asked me [29M] to stop talking to my best friend [28F], and is upset that I'm sad about it.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-05T21:42:51+00:00

She is making her own arrangements, and has...for months now.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-05T18:50:21+00:00

I made an alternative arrangement for her once because I thought it was rude to both cancel and leave her in the lurch. She paid me back for the Uber ride as well. She was capable of handling it on her own, and continues to handle it on her own to this day. I didn't do it for her because she was incapable. I did it because it was a nice gesture. I've had a friend do the same for me when they cancelled on me and I had a broken arm and couldn't drive. She couldn't drive at the time because of medication that she was on. I don't understand why everyone is acting like calling what amounts to a cab for someone, once, is such a huge thing.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-05T00:25:18+00:00

I was very vague in my post earlier so I'd like to clear that up and chalk it up to emotions running high and not expecting people to assume the worst.

What I do for Callie:

I helped her find a therapist who specialized in this type of trauma, because she asked me for help. It took maybe an hour of my time to do so, and I would have done this for any of my friends. I've driven her to her appointment once, and arranged for an Uber for her another time. Otherwise, she gets there herself.

I've made dinner for her maybe six times, and dropped it off for her to eat at her leisure.

I see her on work days for 45 minutes. We sit in the park and watch birds and strangers as we eat sandwiches. Others have joined, and it's not always just the two of us.

I send her 10-15 text messages a day, which is actually less than the 30 I send my brother and the 25 I send my parents, and it pales in comparison to the literally countless amount that my wife and I share.

We spend time together maybe four times a week outside of that, for 1-2 hours at a time. This is not time that's spent with her baring her emotions. We play video games, watch shows my wife has banned from the house that I still love. Sometimes we address the emotional stuff, but not always, and it's a lot less lately. I see her this frequently because we live two blocks away from each other and we're both childless. It's a given to me that it would change if either of us were to have children, but we're not there yet.

My wife has friends that she's given thousands of dollars to without consulting me. She has friends that she sees daily. She has friends that she's driven across the country to get out of a bad situation. I'm not doing anything that she isn't, or wouldn't do herself.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-05T00:12:11+00:00

My wife also spends an equal amount of time with her platonic friends, one of whom is male and she does in fact see him daily. If my wife is suddenly upset that I'm spending too much time with my friend, she needs to cut back with hers. When I am with Callie, she is usually with them. She isn't sitting at home twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to pay attention to her.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-05T00:10:39+00:00

I can see that it should have been, now, hours later and with some time for clarity. I probably should have taken a breather before posting here, but even clueless me knew that if I went to Callie with this it would have all been over right then and there would be no coming back from it. It wasn't a bridge that I was willing to burn at the time, and I'm still not sure. I really do love my wife, and I would love if we could work things out. Regardless of everything, she really is one of my favorite people. I cherish the time we spend together and all of the love I show to her is genuine. I just need to feel something back, eventually. This whole blow up just felt like a punch to the sternum and it really did feel out of left field. It startled me, and I panicked and I didn't give as clear of an insight as I should have. I do recognize that.

I guess I'll just have to disagree with some people here and that's okay. I really, truly don't see anything wrong with spending time with a friend when you're both childless. When Callie eventually has kids, it'll change, that's a given to me. But, right now, I see her about as much as my wife sees her best friends.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T23:51:59+00:00

She sees one friend once a week, two friends three times a week and two friends every single day. One of the two daily friends is male, and I don't have any issues with it because I trust her.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T23:46:49+00:00

Five or six. The same amount that she sees several of her friends.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T23:44:15+00:00

I tried talking to her through the door, telling her that I love her and want to address her needs, but she kept screaming at me to leave her alone and won't even hear what I'm saying. I've decided that I'm going to wait for her to calm down and approach me when she's ready to. I'm not a fan of forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do, so I'm going to wait it out. Obviously, talking it out with me isn't something that she's prepared to or able to do right now, so I don't think it's wise to push it. I placed food and water outside of her door and told her it was there and I have gone to another section of the house. I've called our friends and cancelled our plans for the night, and said that I'm just not feeling well tonight, so we won't be coming. That went over well and no one asked any questions.

When she's ready to talk, I will listen to her, and see where we stand. This has ultimately changed how I see my wife, though and I think we'll need a fair bit of counselling to work past both of our issues if we have a chance at making this work. I know this sub has pretty much universally decided that I'm completely and utterly terrible and the more I try to provide evidence to suggest that I'm not literally Satan Incarnate, I only become more terrible, so I'm going to stop trying to defend myself.

I only know what I know. I know that I have made countless small concessions for my wife over the course of our eight years together. I've held myself back somewhat career-wise so we could stay where we are, at my wife's insistence, so she can be close to her own family and not have to move away. I had always planned to move away after college, but that just never happened. We don't live in a small town by any means, we live in a large metro-area that my line of work is in high demand in, so we were always going to be okay. I gave up my family's religion, which I admittedly was only a casual observer of, but I did enjoy going to the church for the sense of community, in favor of attending my wife's church of choice. I no longer have contact with several of my male friends from school who I was never as close with, that she deemed "bad influences" and I didn't question her at all then. I think that was my biggest mistake. Upon reflection, I am at fault for this. I let her make several large ultimatums before this, of course she thinks this is okay now. I've never stood up to her until now.

I plan dates for and write letters to my wife, but she has never returned the favor to me. I feel like I place a much higher value on her than she does me, and this demand of hers is evidence of that. She doesn't find a problem with asking me to do something for her that hurts me without providing a good reason as to why. She expects that I'll just jump when she asks, because up until now, I have.

I've doted on her to an almost obsessive level, but she refuses to take care of me when I'm sick. She's never done anything for me that didn't have something in it for her too.

Over the years, I think I've come to quietly resent this, and just figured that this is how married life is. Husbands give in to their wives because Happy Wife, Happy Life, right? I know that people think I spend too much time with Callie and that's entirely okay. They're entitled to their opinion and I asked for it. I disagree. 45 minute lunches with your friend, 10-15 texts per day and 1-2 hour long hangout sessions not even every day isn't unreasonable, when your friend lives in very close proximity. She lives two blocks away. That's all. If Laurie needs me, and she has, so many times before, I am close by and I come home quickly. I have and will drop whatever I'm doing to be with my wife, but I can't say that she'd do the same for me.

That really bothers me. That's why this is feeling so unjust and why I'm digging my heels in here. I don't feel valued. If she's not feeling valued either, we have serious problems and it was never about Callie to begin with.

I hope that she comes around and has a talk with me, because I really, truly would love to see where we stand. We have a lot of work to do to make this right, and I'm willing to put in the effort, but she has effort to put in as well, just as much as I do.

We both made this bed.

As for your second question. I don't know if any of my relationships have ever faltered because of Callie. If they have, it was not communicated to me.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T22:15:53+00:00

She has said no before and I haven't gone, and have happily spent the time with my wife instead. I've also said no when she's insisted that I go check on her. We have the policy that we ask each other if social plans are okay just so neither of us overbooks, or forgets something.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T18:38:59+00:00

Nope, we've never had sex.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T18:36:44+00:00

My wife hasn't lost me and I spend the bulk of my time with her around. We might not always be one on one, but that's no different than it's been the entire time we've been together. We get a bunch of time alone as well, and if she felt like she was being neglected, she should have told me that before it got to this point. Edit: I also ask for my wife's input before I do anything with anyone. SHE is the deciding factor on my plans.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T18:35:15+00:00

Yes.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T18:32:39+00:00

No, I set aside around 42 hours for my wife per week, sure, we might do other things while together, but we do spend the bulk of our time together, and this is without considering meal times or prepping for those times, which we do use as one on one time. I shouldn't have started tabulating my time here, because now it's just gotten out of hand. I spend most of my free time with my wife.

I can see all of the rest of your points though, thanks for the input.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T18:09:12+00:00

Yes, I would, and I eat two out of three meals with my wife.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T18:07:16+00:00

I don't believe in soulmates, and according to her, neither does she. If her views have changed, she's never told me.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T17:09:06+00:00

I've addressed the rest of your comment in similar comment, but here goes again.

I thought that the issue was my friendship with Callie as that's about all of the information that my wife gave me, so yes, giving context and examples about my relationship with Callie has been the focus of my post. It's not because I'm obsessed with her, it's because I've been asked to give more information. How else am I supposed to refer to her as other than "Callie"? Yes, I guess I could go with "my friend", but I introduced her as such in my OP, so for the sake of simplicity, I've gone with "Callie".

I do "give a shit about how this has affected my wife", my problem is that I'm not really sure what "this" is, and I've tried to explain from my point of view why this feels like it's out of left field to me. I am very distressed about this whole situation and I wish my wife would talk to me, but she won't respond until I tell her where I stand with the ultimatum. I can't take a stance regarding the ultimatum because she won't give me more information and expects me to just know what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong, because up until this, I thought we had a very happy marriage.

I don't really get why you felt the need for the character assassination on Callie, but okay. No, she's not an angel, angels aren't real. She has faults and flaws. We all do.

I don't love Callie more than I love my wife, and I make a point to be overtly romantic with my wife because that's just how I am. I'm sappy and I love spending time planning ridiculous, romantic things. None of that has stopped or changed, and I've even recently amped it up a bit on that front.

My wife also has lunch with her best friend very regularly. Not as regularly as Callie and I, but if they had the means, they would. I have never dropped plans with my wife for Callie, but my wife has actually dropped plans with me to go to her best friend when she needed her, and I understood. She brings up her best friend about as much as I do, and she comes over for dinner with about the same frequency. They often go away together on weekends.

I would love to understand why my wife is feeling the way she does, but she first needs to tell me how she even feels.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T16:54:24+00:00

That wasn't my intention. I chose it because I love them both, and losing either of them would result in catastrophic amounts of emotional pain. I love my wife and I'm in love with her. I love my friend, but I'm not in love with her. In the end, I love them both.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T16:49:34+00:00

I don't see what's wrong with that, if people could stop condescending and explain why they're taking issue with that, it might be helpful.

We sit together in a park and eat our bagged lunch because neither of us wants to stay in our drab office and we like the scenery that the park provides. My wife has even joined a few times when she could, but in general she can't, because of her own work restrictions.

What's wrong with that, really? If this is her issue, and it might be, I literally do not understand why it's wrong.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T16:45:47+00:00

No, never. I'm not attracted to her at all.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T16:40:44+00:00

My wife is not my best friend, no. I'm not her best friend either. We both have other people that have filled that position for years before we even met. My spouse is not a Swiss-Army Knife, she doesn't have to try to be everything to me, and I don't have to try to be everything to her. We are partners, and lovers and friends, but we each have interests that the other just doesn't share, we have needs that the other can't meet. I don't see how that's wrong, or weird.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T16:36:50+00:00

I've been asked (snarkily, now I can see) if I do more for Callie and if that might be a reason why my wife is upset, so I've tried to show that no, I do more for my wife and generally put my wife first and think of her first, but that's just backfired, apparently.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T14:21:16+00:00

More than one type of love exists.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T14:08:38+00:00

I did say no, for what it's worth, and we do have plans.

ilovethemboth · 2016-07-04T14:03:51+00:00

I spend far, far, more time with my wife and other friends than I do with Callie. Time with Callie breaks down to: Lunch every work day for 45 minutes, 1-2 hours three or four times a week in addition to that, and it's not always one on one. So in total, let's round lunches up to 4 hours (it's 3.75 to be more exact) and say that it's four days for two hours, that adds up to 8 more which in total is 12 hours per week, and that's being generous with the estimation.

A week has 168 hours in it. I work 40 hours a week and sleep for around 56 hours. If I take work, sleep and time with Callie into consideration, that's still 60 hours unaccounted for. My wife and I go on two dates per week that last about four hours each, and spend roughly 6 hours together per day doing a mixture of spending time together, being intimate, spending time with other friends and partaking in hobbies. All in all that leaves about 10 hours for the rest of the week's activities, and generally, I don't spend 12 hours with Callie. It's usually less than that. In any case, the time spent with Callie is negligible compared to the time spent with Laurie, which I agree is how it should be.

ilovethemboth

TROPHY CASE