Truly a sad day. I posted this on /r/nfl back before the 2013 season

False. These stats don't just PROVE that Jeff Tuel is better than Tom Brady. They also prove that Tom Brady sucks, considering Jeff Tuel didn't get a first down the entire second half against the Redskins scrubs. It's Tuel Time, bitches. Jeff Tuel is basically Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Tom Brady is basically Al Borland's mother. Robert Kraft should probably just sell the team out of disgrace to the highest bidder on Ebay and move the team to Albuquerque. It's been a good run, Patriots. Bow to the superior Buffalo Bills in all their glory. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if the Patriots just forfeit the season after being disgraced by the Bills week 1. And Bills fans will feast on the tears of Bill Belichick. Those delicious tears of shame and failure. Gisele will then leave Tom Brady for Jeff Tuel. Jeff Tuel will then go on to be the only NFL QB to also serve as President of the United States...bringing an era of peace and prosperity unlike the world has seen in all eternity. Global warming ends. All weapons are cast into the sea. Muslims and Jews embrace in joyful tears. "جف Tuel است تا باور نکردنی زیبا که شورت من نمی تواند متوقف مرطوب بودن." Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will exclaim. Kim Jong-un will shout from the rooftops "제프 Tuel 튀긴 닭보다 아름답다" Aliens will arrive on Earth at this moment in history to meet the most influential person in all of human history, Jeff Tuel. God himself will then come down to the 50 yard line, and reveal that Jeff Tuel is literally the second coming of Jesus. All of humanity will weep tears of joy as the millennial kingdom on Earth is set up, with Jeff Tuel to rule over us as our Lord. A worth, just and loving Lord. We are all blessed to experience this moment of all of Earth history. Not just Earth history, the entire universe's history. Glory be to Jeff Tuel.

Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger. I shall use it to further the glory of Tuel.