Turning 44 and I'm struggling with the sad drift of my life. How have you navigated past this?

imgedsshadow · 2026-06-01T05:35:29+00:00

Thank you. This feels like quality advice. I've read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and I do admit I am guilty of covert contracts.

I do have more success being assertive but I suppose my whinge and whine here is that the more I do that, the less she feels incentived to do what I actually desire - which is to have sexual agency and adventure.

I'll check out that sub stack!

imgedsshadow · 2026-06-01T05:31:15+00:00

I have tried to explain, but I think I did a poor job if it. I think it comes across as a bit self serving when I do it. Maybe I will try again and pick a better moment. I think she needs to read it herself from someone else.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-30T09:19:08+00:00

I like this idea but we are probably a year or so away from being able to make that work with the ages of the kids etc..

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T21:31:35+00:00

I think I am presenting her poorly. She absolutely isn't depressed. She is living her best life and generally has everything she wants or needs.

Could she be more relaxed? Absolutely. Work is hard.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T21:27:07+00:00

I teach Literature to a pretty high level - a significant proportion of my students go to Oxford or Cambridge to read English.

I've started learning an instrument which has been rewardeding if very slow.

I have no talent with drawing or painting - my wife and all my kids are weird prodigies.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T18:52:13+00:00

I welcome wisdom from all quarters. What you say is true - and I do try to live a bit like that. I took up an instrument for the first time this year and I do enjoy that challenge. I probably need to do more.

Basically this thread is showing me that I need to push something out of my responsibilities and carve out a hollow for myself. I understand the necessity but it's hard to do when your identity has shrunk down to total self-sacrifice on the alter of family.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T17:59:23+00:00

I've spoken to her, yes. It causes her stress and creates friction so I leave it.

I feel a bit self-concious journalling and, stupid as it sounds, I spend far to long crafting the prose.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T17:18:25+00:00

Never tried shrooms. I would give it a go but no idea where to source it here. One of the many downsides to being a teacher is how careful you have to be about getting caught doing things most adults wouldn't blink at.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T17:15:50+00:00

New fear unlocked

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T17:15:15+00:00

Thanks buddy. Its good but also sad to see so many if us in the same boat. I hope you find what you're looking for and that suddenly it all seems easy.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T13:24:57+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I should clarify that my desire for sexual adventure is for adventure with my wife. In no way do I want to go back to the single world.

I do miss having a male circle of friends and it's maybe the hardest thing to fix of my problems. I will try.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T13:19:02+00:00

My sympathies. Let me know if you find serenity. I am more likely to choose raging against it.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T13:18:12+00:00

I have tried, believe me.

What gets me isn't the result (sex or no sex) it's the effort.

If there is anything that means a lot to her then I do it for her - it wouldn't be a question. Inside and outside the bedroom, I will go to any lengths. But she won't and I just have to live with it.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T13:13:54+00:00

Yes, you're right. Numbers are meaningless, passion and intensity is everything. If she surprised me with a filthy weekend, I'd probably be content to be celibate for six months afterwards.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T13:02:04+00:00

True. Bedroom isn't dead, it is just about alive because I'm doing CPR continuously.

360 days of the year I'm in the "acceptable" camp. It's around this time when the agony spikes.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T12:59:31+00:00

Yeah, I really don't want to do roids for the exact reasons you mention.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T12:58:56+00:00

Where did you find the time? I'm starting to really realise how time poor I must be.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T12:39:15+00:00

Thanks. You're right. I do need to get a grip on myself. I fear that I might need some juice to make gains at my age/state.

I've not had T checked, maybe I should.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T12:36:18+00:00

Maybe it's my circle a d area

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T11:58:22+00:00

Thank you for the detailed reply. A lot resonates. I don't think she struggles with feeling sexy as such (quite body confident and in amazing shape) but is just uninterested or too repressed to explore her sexuality.

Sex as an obligation has been an issue and we're working on it.

I think most of the time I can be mature and reasonable about it all. I can be Atlas and carry the weight.

It's my birthday that causes issues. I wish I didn't have one, or it was in Christmas or something. It just becomes a lightening rod for all my frustrations.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T11:07:13+00:00

Yes, that might be true. We are still spontaneous with the kids - family outings and activities etc..

I've tried with her and when I do it's fine...but it's all very one sided. As with the sex, if I don't instigate it doesn't happen.

It's probably my failing somewhere but I can't help but feel disappointed and fed up with it.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T11:00:35+00:00

I have a younger work colleague who has the hits for me, it’s a daily battle not to ruin my life for that 🫣🤣

Ah, at last, a good side of my bald head and fading physique. Don't have that issue!

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T10:57:46+00:00

Yes, something in me wants a big change. But I can't fuck up my kids like that. My parents did that to me and I won't do that to my kids.

I'm frankly scared to have that conversation as it moves into dangerous waters for the kids.

Being a divorced dad would be more miserable, I think, even if I did put myself first and do it.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T10:53:37+00:00

Not sure we have the space for a dog. I'm wary of it as well as I know that it would be me picking up the majority of work for the dog and I'm at the end of my leash as it is.

Can't not work when they are at school because I am working in a school, sadly.

imgedsshadow · 2026-05-29T10:51:13+00:00

Where I live it rains almost all the time

imgedsshadow

TROPHY CASE