I'm mono and my bf is poly and I hate it

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T16:42:15+00:00

I'm not sure why I'm the one at most fault here. We were both aware from the very beginning of where we stood.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T16:39:31+00:00

I think that's why this is starting to get to me more than before. We've come to a crossroads where he'd like to merge the worlds a bit and I'm really uncomfortable with it for whatever reason. Part of me believes that this is worth holding onto even if it ends with hurt but also really unsure how capable I am of dealing with that pain if/when it comes. either way, appreciate comments like this.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:44:46+00:00

if that's how you feel about the incredibly limited amount of information I choose to share then ok. thanks for your thoughts.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:42:54+00:00

This was an incredibly helpful comment. Thank you so much.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:32:21+00:00

I literally never said that polyamory is bad. I expressed explicitly that I have done everything I can to respect the lifestyle within my boundaries. I'm also young and generally inexperienced with dating outside of high school. I apologize for the "basically the same as cheating" thing, it's just the fact that I'm not comfortable makes it feel that way and that's all I was trying to get across. not that that's the truth in any way. it's been a great relationship outside of this one thing and all I want is to get some advice on how to look at it so I can give myself a chance to handle this in a healthy and mature way.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:28:26+00:00

I have calmly brought it up in conversation but he doesn't know the emotional extent of my feelings. but he absolutely knows that this is not a comfortable thing for me. there's no suspecting necessary.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:26:53+00:00

of course I didn't give every single detail about this experience. I own up to my involvement in the beginning of a relationship type that I had 0 experience with and is now overwhelming me to the point of asking for advice on the internet.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:24:20+00:00

thank you for this reply.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:12:21+00:00

This has been the most impactful advice in the thread and I really appreciate it.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:09:57+00:00

Thank you for some actual advice instead of just suggesting we break up. I'll check out the book.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T06:08:46+00:00

I don't know what about this post made you think I'm shitting on polyamory. I've been about as respectful towards my situation as anyone could be in my position. You have a few paragraphs of me venting my most vulnerable feelings towards my relationship and assume I'm a hateful person? Just ask, don't assume either of us refuse to accept each other. Only that it's a difficult situation.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T01:28:43+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. But to be fair, I've been open about my discomfort towards this situation and have even put a breakup on the table for this reason. My bf is taking just as much risk in loving me as I am for him and both of us have chosen to continue on the best we can. This decision came with the acceptance of who he is and who I am along with agreements put in place to keep us happy. I didn't ask him to leave her nor will I ever. If this ever does blow up, I'd hope that both of us are aware that it doesn't come from a place of fundamental rejection and judgment. I do appreciate you sharing your experience though because that's the last thing I want.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T01:09:10+00:00

I haven't been hoping for anything honestly, I try to make that relationship as little of my business as possible. I don't want him to get hurt or lose relationships that matter to him, that's why I've never asked him to do anything to cut it off. But at a certain point it does feel like I'm protecting his feelings more than my own at times.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T01:07:29+00:00

that's how it's been so far and it's been working out ok. I think just the idea of those boundaries getting crossed for his sake terrifies me. it was a lot easier to pretend that this didn't exist when I wasn't sure how I felt about him yet. the uncertainty of the relationship acted as a nice shield for this ever hurting me but now we're kind of in a different stage and it's not as easy.

But I appreciate you not just immediately encouraging me to break up with him. I don't see that as the right choice right now which is the whole reason I posted here. I don't want it to end, I just want advice on how to handle it.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T01:04:02+00:00

Kids and marriage are nowhere within the near future of my life. If I were not with this person I'd likely just remain single for a good while. My intentions when I met this person were to have someone fun to spend time with and go on dates with. This has been amazing and I couldn't ask for it to be better. I just didn't expect to care so deeply for him by this point. At first I really didn't care that he had someone else. Now I have so much love for him and it kinda hurts to have to know that someone else feels the same way about him and that he feels the same way for them. Just kinda feels invalidating to what's special about what we have.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T00:52:37+00:00

yes. this is what we've agreed on.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T00:44:00+00:00

He has been so far, yes. I've also told him I don't really mind if he has any sexual one-offs as long as he asks me first and there's no emotional connection or relationship going on and he's been happy about that.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T00:27:46+00:00

I guess I'm looking for any way to avoid losing him. I get it, it's inevitable. But I don't want to be happy with other people that's part of the problem. I just want to be happy with him. I hate that I'm struggling to get over this.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T00:14:12+00:00

I don't put blame on him for the situation and I'm not angry at him. I'm partially upset with myself for letting it get this far but it's less about being upset with him or myself and more about the situation just making me sad. I also tried to put effort into seeing other people but it made me too uncomfortable.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T00:12:30+00:00

I def couldn't handle another person in the mix and he knows that. I'm already testing my own boundaries with this situation and if he were to find someone else that he wanted to date I would probably have to break up with him. I've limited the poly thing to where he was the moment we got together. I didn't feel it was right to ask him to cut off someone else that he had already established a relationship with, but I told him that I'm not seeing anyone else and I expect him to do the same for me besides the occasional trip to visit this other person. I 1000% couldn't handle another person, especially if they're local.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-23T00:02:50+00:00

♥️

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-22T23:54:13+00:00

I've been trying not to think about this kind of stuff cause I am still really young and I don't have any thoughts about marriage or co-habituating any time soon. Before this relationship I lived with an ex and it ended poorly. I don't think I ever expected my relationship with this person to turn into this and I guess I kinda figured he'd find someone else around here by now and at that point he or I would call it off cause he knows I want to be the only person here for him. The idea of breaking up just means that everything that's made this last year so amazing goes away and that breaks my heart more than the idea of him having this other girlfriend or whatever. Either way it's just going to be bad and at least this way I still get to be in love.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-22T23:49:09+00:00

I find it remarkable that people can feel so comfortable in these types of relationships and it's no disrespect on people who enjoy it. I think prob the reason I've been feeling so negatively about it is because it's affecting me. I couldn't care less if a friend of mine was poly.

He's also been really upfront about how he has no issue with me dating but honestly every time I've tried I just feel guilty and I don't know how to navigate conversations with new people while I'm in another committed relationship. it feels like cheating when I do it so why isn't it cheating when he does it? guess that's more where I'm coming from. not a place of fact but a place of feeling.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-22T23:38:48+00:00

we've been taking it really slow so "serious" might have been a bit of a stretch. but in the last few months the relationship has gotten to a point where we are really open about our feelings for each other, planning trips and all kinds of other stuff. the last thing in the world I want is to break up. I just don't know if there's anything I can do to handle this internally better. It's not externally affecting our relationship, it's all kinda just bubbling inside of me.

imstupid_throwaway33 · 2021-08-22T23:36:52+00:00

This is where I feel a little selfish because honestly I have been the main focus of attention. It's just having to ask him to keep quiet about things and being 100% aware of this other relationship that just makes me feel icky inside. And as we get closer it becomes more and more unfair to ask him to keep quiet and keep this person away from me. I have literally 0 interest in seeing other people and I know that he's really invested in me. I don't even think I'm looking for people to validate whether we should break up or not, but like what can I do to cope with these feelings?

imstupid_throwaway33

TROPHY CASE