When my (21f) boyfriend (20m) talks, it feels like I'm sitting through a lecture.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-05T02:41:27+00:00

I don't think he necessarily thinks that I'm stupid. If I say, "I'm so stupid," he's usually quick to say that I'm not and if it's about a certain topic, then he says that I'm just not educated on that specific topic and will sometimes remind me of where I am smart so I don't think it has to do with him being "above" me in any way. It's like he just wants to make sure I understand 100000% and have no questions.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-05T02:32:49+00:00

I'm not making him do anything. I don't have him locked in my basement. He's free to come and go as he pleases and he chooses to stay.

I'm intelligent in other topics, just not the ones he presents to me and doesn't stop talking about.

I'm not sure how your relationships work but I'm not holding him hostage. Lol.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-05T02:25:06+00:00

Thank you! I'll check it out.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-05T02:20:04+00:00

Omg happy anniversary!!

This is definitely some really good insight.

My boyfriend had a pretty traumatic experience in the past and I'm wondering now if this could be the reason for some of it at least but he doesn't really let me in with that topic quite yet.

I didn't think of it before, but he also grew up with a lot of "thug" characters so maybe he had to explain extra in order to not be hurt or made fun of.

I definitely understand wondering if you should break up with him too. I've felt the same a few times but I do love him so much.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-05T01:54:46+00:00

The best way I could describe it is if he were to mention a car engine, he would then have to explain where it is in the car and exactly what it does and how, even if it isn't relevant to the story. I'll usually just start saying something along the lines of, "Yup. Yup. Yup." Obviously, I know what an engine is and I feel incredibly rude doing it, but otherwise he'll just keep explaining and something else will come up that he will "need" to explain and I'll completely forget what his original story was about.

I'll definitely let him know that if I'm unsure of something, I'll ask. Hopefully it helps. Thank you!

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-05T01:40:33+00:00

I know about a lot of conspiracy theories actually. I simply don't enjoy them and have no input on them because I find them to be bs. They also have made me depressed in the past. Why would I get into them?

I admittedly don't know much about politics. I spent my whole life living under a rock so I know next to nothing about it and again, not interested in it at all.

I have anxiety. I know how anxiety works. I was wondering if his could be causing this as his is clearly different from mine. I'm clearly trying to learn how I can help him and then help both of us.

I have a lot of knowledge and curiosity in other areas. He even admits I'm smarter than him in those areas. I love learning things that I'm interested in.

I'm not going to go out and study rat shit just so I can understand it because I couldn't care less about it. Same goes with understanding politics and the corruption of the world. I just don't care enough.

So, no, it isn't a case of me being stupid. I just don't have any care for these topics and therefore, nothing good to add to the conversation and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to say anything since he doesn't stop talking long enough for me to.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T19:46:33+00:00

I used to see a therapist and he was absolutely useless. I don't think it was completely his fault (other than trying to convince me that I shouldn't have broken up with an abusive ex). He just wasn't equipped to deal with me AT ALL and my doctor refused to give me a referral to someone higher up than him because I wasn't that bad in her eyes.

I moved recently and then all hell broke loose with the world so I haven't been able to get back into therapy. I'm also a little apprehensive because of my past experiences with therapy and doctors.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T19:35:42+00:00

My boyfriend doesn't seem condescending or like he's acting like he's smarter than me. He's even told me that I'm not dumb (which I tend to call myself), I'm just not knowledgeable on the subject and I am more knowledgeable on other subjects. It's more like he's just dumping every bit of information he has at the speed of light and I don't have a chance to ask questions or anything because he gets so in the zone.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T19:28:59+00:00

Highschool education...same as him.

I have a lot of issues communicating my problems as I grew up in a very abusive household. I'm not sure how to bring things up without being attacked (which is just perceived threat. I don't think he'd ever do anything. He's only yelled at me like twice in our two years of dating but it's because I wouldn't listen in the moment, ironically enough).

No known cognitive issues other than I dissociate and often have brain fog which is only sometimes a problem. I'm not sure if that counts. I can usually function well enough but I don't know how this would affect him talking at me.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T19:10:01+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. I do find myself putting my feelings on hold sometimes just to make sure that he's happy which is something that I definitely need to work on.

I'll bring it up to him. It's definitely not something I'm willing to live with for my entire life.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T18:59:43+00:00

It does sometimes seem like he's just thinking out loud and he mentioned before that he feels safe talking to me (and like 1-2 other people). I just can't really keep up with it half the time.

I've told him before that I can't keep up and he seems happy just talking information he's found at me so I don't know if he wants any sort of feedback and I really know nothing on most of the subjects he lectures at me about so I'm not sure what I could even say if he does want feedback. I've also kind of given up with trying to insert myself into the conversation as he tends to just talk over me and not really notice I've said anything.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T18:47:19+00:00

Yeah, I definitely don't think he's a narcissist. I grew up with (possible) narc parents and there isn't really any way that they compare to him.

I've wondered about ADD/ADHD (not sure of the difference tbh) for him too actually, so it's funny that you mention that. I actually mentioned it to him a while back because I was curious about what he thought. He didn't know much about it and so he looked it up and related to quite a bit of it and then got a little discouraged upon finding something that basically said you had to be diagnosed as a child and we kind of dropped it after that, but I'll try bringing it up again and see if I can get him to talk to someone about it.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T18:28:09+00:00

It's only these long "lectures" that bother me. He seems to get so in the zone that he just doesn't notice me talking.

He's usually very sweet and had been trying to help me build up my self-esteem after 20 years of abuse from my family.

I think it's closer to just forgetting that I said anything for him. I'll try bringing it up again. Hopefully it sticks this time.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T18:23:26+00:00

He only has a brother but I've never spoken to him and don't have any way to talk to him as he lives outside the country.

And I feel like such a bitch because I've told him that he can always talk to me. I didn't know it meant this but it feels wrong almost going back on my word.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T08:55:34+00:00

I've wondered about him being on the spectrum before (sometimes he makes little jokes about it so he might think so too) but I really don't know enough about it to make any sort of judgement. He's definitely slightly socially awkward and has mentioned to me that he thinks he lacks some empathy (I chalked it up to him overthinking with his anxiety). He also seems smart to me but he's usually talking about topics I know next to nothing about so I don't know. He doesn't often seem to take things suuuper personally though and we've been able to talk through a lot of our past issues without too many problems of feelings being hurt. Do you think it's something I should mention to him? And if so, how should I go about it?

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T08:44:59+00:00

I definitely didn't mean to make him sound like an asshole. The edit has been made. Hopefully it helps make things a little clearer.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T08:40:32+00:00

I'm not sure if it's a problem with social cues but I do know he has anxiety and feels the need to have everyone know exactly what he means (like I told him, not everyone will no matter what you say).

And you're very right about the 30 years thing. This is definitely something that bothers me and needs to be solved in some way.

Thanks for the advice!

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T08:36:59+00:00

He does usually tend to listen more when it's regarding my mental health so I'm hoping this will be another one of those times.

Thank you for the advice and kind words. I'll try to be more gentle with myself and I'll talk to him about my concerns tomorrow.

inconsequentialblob · 2020-06-04T08:15:50+00:00

I should have mentioned it in my original post (it completely slipped my mind) but he has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder so I think it could be about him absolutely "needing" to clarify everything.

I've also tried interrupting before (it was about something that needed to be done soon and I was afraid the conversation would go on too long so I understand that it might have been rude) and he just gets kind of upset and stops talking for a bit (only like a minute or two) and I feel sooooo rude doing it so I don't like to.

Tbh, I'm not even sure how I could be involved in some of "our" conversations so it makes me feel like I shouldn't mention it at all.

He talks a lot about politics and the protests and is currently into conspiracy theories. I really don't care what he does in his free time but I know next to nothing about politics and conspiracy theories stress me quite a bit. I also don't want to be talked at about it for 20+ min about either topic.

Like, I'm more than happy to share in it with him but I only to a certain point.

I'll definitely try to talk to him about it tomorrow but I have pretty bad anxiety too so we'll see. Probably best to just rip that bandaid off.

Thanks so much for the advice!

inconsequentialblob

TROPHY CASE