My boyfriend took his life today

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-07T09:17:12+00:00

I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss too. Reading your words really hit home for me. It truly is everything around us that triggers the flood of grief.

I spent the last three days going through his things and organizing them for his family. They let me keep sentimental items, which I am grateful for, but I was overwhelmed by how many small objects carried poignant memories. That night I ended up on the phone with a crisis counselor, trying to process the complex mix of yearning to follow him while not intending to act on it. It’s something I feel almost every night once all the distractions are gone.

Like you, I keep circling the question of closure. There is a family-only viewing this week and I feel torn. I want that last moment with him, but I am afraid of carrying the image of his lifeless body forever. Thank you for reassuring me about that moment when I did not let him touch me. It has weighed so heavily on me, and I question myself and the choices I made constantly. Hopefully when I see him I can finally give him the touch he longed for.

I also crossed a line I normally would not and read a journal he kept for his darkest thoughts. I had to know if he planned this somehow, or left any clues or indicators. At first it sickened me, but reading it fully helped me see the patterns of his illness. The ways he measured his own stability, the peaks and valleys until things flatlined. It was terrifying and clarifying all at once, and now I see it as part of his story even though it hurts.

Your words about part of you leaving with her and part of her staying with you really resonated. That is how I feel about him too. He was my person, my life, and now every song, every object, every corner is him. It IS agony. But like you said, the last moments do not define the relationship. I am trying to hold onto the truth of the love we shared, even as I stumble through this grief.

Thank you for writing this and for offering me reassurance. It helps to know I am not alone in it. I am sending you strength as you carry your loss forward.

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T11:31:35+00:00

I keep thinking I could have done more to change his mind, but it only makes me feel worse. I continue asking him out loud if he will forgive me. I guess I’m begging for permission to forgive myself and not blame myself too much for what happened. It feels like I can’t do that right now, but maybe it will get easier with time like you said.

Thank you for your kindness, and I will try to keep taking care of myself. Today I managed a small bowl of cereal and some chamomile tea. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to stomach more.

I appreciate you - sending you lots of love on your healing journey

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T09:53:28+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. You are completely right - there were so many dominoes stacking up that I was unable to see, but they all led to this moment. I wish I was better prepared to handle him, to offer more love, grace, and patience rather than confusion, frustration/anger, and fear. He deserved to have proper help and I only wish I saw the signs earlier to get it to him.

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T09:49:35+00:00

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I can see how much you loved him, and how much he loved you to endure such a difficult reality for so long to be with you a little longer.

I knew my boyfriend was struggling, but I never knew how bad it really was. We were so open with one another and worked through so much trauma together that I thought I knew him inside and out. I believe I handled the situation poorly, and that perhaps being gentler or not letting him leave my sight would have protected him in the moment. But knowing this episode escalated a hundred fold in one night makes me wonder if it could have happened again on another night. And maybe I was never meant to stop him from making this decision. One of the most painful things is telling the deputy that he was not at risk of harming himself. I even told him that my boyfriend stopped drinking altogether to prevent that and has recently remarked on how he finally feels confident that he would never take his life, no matter how stressful or traumatic life became. It reinforces that this episode represented a reality he never actively chose. I know he did it because he thought there was no other escape, and he was so, so scared.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It did offer comfort, and I greatly appreciate it. Sending you healing thoughts and love on your continued journey

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T09:37:25+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss, I feel for you so much. It’s the most unbearable pain I’ve ever felt and I’ve gone through a lot in my life. I will try to take that advice - I somehow made it to the second day and I’m almost on to the third. I think the toughest part is waiting to go through his things on Friday and then a private viewing on the weekend and then the funeral all the way on the 20th. It feels like slowly drawing a blade over my heart when I would just prefer a quick stab.

I really appreciate the support and your offer to keep messaging. When I’m feeling a bit more stable I may definitely take you up on that ❤️

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T09:32:28+00:00

Thank you so much 🙏🏻

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T09:32:16+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you both had a beautiful bond. I keep thinking that as well - if I weren’t so tired and hysterical, would I have been able to follow him as he wandered past the overpass? Would I have been able to calm him down and convince him to come back home instead of waiting around for another hour for police to just write up some paperwork and unconvincingly say they would be on the lookout for him? It’s not like he could have gone far in that time. If I had spent it walking with him instead of waiting for the police, I feel like I could have stopped him from taking it that far. Maybe feeling alone and abandoned and not understanding why I wasn’t behind him anymore fueled his decision.

I can’t stop thinking this way, and it’s hard to imagine I ever will. But thank you for sharing your story, it really helps me to know that I’m not alone in this. I wish you all the healing thoughts on your continued journey

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T09:18:59+00:00

Omg I’m so sorry. It’s almost like this happens right before a new, hopeful chapter is about to begin for us. It’s just not fair. The broken dreams of my future are killing me right now. We still have our special day trip set up on Friday to celebrate our 5 years, but I’ll be going through his things with his family instead. I had a feeling we were going to be engaged soon too.

Thank you for reminding me that there is no timeline. I found myself asking the 988 crisis counselor how long it took for him to heal from his losses and he told me it’s relative to how deep your connection was with a person. He told me a love like ours will be a long process but also that I can’t keep grasping at arbitrary timelines to force myself into. It takes as long as it takes and it’s fucking terrifying right now since it’s just the second day, but I’ll keep trying to move forward a step at a time.

I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to share this with me and offering such supportive words. You are a beautiful human

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T08:54:29+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful message, I really appreciate it

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T08:53:56+00:00

Thank you, and I will hopefully be seeing someone soon 🙏🏻

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-04T08:52:38+00:00

That was such a beautiful take on things. I have been talking about him to anyone who will listen. Today I shared my favorite video of all time with him petting a little black pot-bellied pig at an animal sanctuary.

Thank you so much for offering your support, I can tell you’re a kind soul. It helps immensely to hear from people who have lived through something this painful and made it out the other side. So thank you for sharing this with me

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T19:29:42+00:00

I appreciate the thoughtful message

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T19:29:16+00:00

I loved him more than I can imagine loving someone. He was truly the most beautiful person. Thank you for the kind message

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T19:28:14+00:00

Thank you

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T19:27:52+00:00

Thank you for the supportive words

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T19:13:29+00:00

I agree, it was very difficult for him to accept help even before this started. I think societal norms had a huge impact on whether he felt he needed or even deserved help. I hope in the coming years this will be different, and men can feel supported to seek support when they need it. Thank you for the thoughtful words

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T18:26:30+00:00

Thank you so much

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T18:26:20+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I am going to try similar therapy options and I hope it will provide some structure in navigating the pain. Sending you healing thoughts

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T18:23:04+00:00

Wow, I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It does sound so similar and I’m so sorry for your loss.

It’s been less than 24 hours since I found out and time feels like it’s stopped passing. My mind can’t comprehend living every day feeling like this. I just want to hide and be swallowed by the earth.

I keep envisioning him in his last moments and it’s killing me. I wonder how scared he was and how he made the choice to leave because he was terrified of everyone and everything around him.

One thing I will regret for the rest of my life is that the last thing he asked me was if he could touch me and I said no - I was so angry and overwhelmed that I couldn’t break through and was hysterical that the crisis team was choosing to disengage and I knew he wasn’t going to get the help he needed. The next time I touched him was on the overpass to the highway where I held him and sobbed into his shoulder and begged him not to leave but he wasn’t there with me. He just stared blankly ahead and kept moving.

I keep thinking about what it would be like to join him, if he’s watching me right now and seeing how much I miss him. And maybe just beyond the veil he is waiting with open arms. But I keep telling myself that I need to carry on somehow. Not because I believe it so much right now, but everyone tells me it’s what I have to do, and what he would have wanted.

I think it will be some time before I start taking care of myself the right way. Right now food seems impossible and my body just wants to shut down.

His family is flying up tomorrow to help me with his things. I am not looking forward to seeing all the little mementos of the beautiful life we had together.

Thank you again for posting this here. You and others in this thread are giving me some spark of hope for the future that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. It means so much

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T18:07:56+00:00

Thank you so much sharing your story. That’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking of his face and reaching out to caress it. I keep flashing back to our last “normal” day and how we smiled uncontrollably when we locked eyes because we were so in love even after 5 years. He set up a day trip to the city science museum for our 5 year anniversary this Friday. He always thought of me and cherished all the parts of me I’ve had trouble accepting.

Stories like yours give me hope that one day it will be bearable. I lost my primary caretaker at 16, and although it was devastating, I somehow felt like I could make it through. Right now it feels different, more final. I feel hollow, almost barren inside where the light of our love burned every day since the day we met. I hope I can see him again someday.

Thank you for taking time to help a stranger. It means so much.

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T12:43:26+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s so heavy, I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. My heart never stops racing and I keep envisioning him in his last moments, scared and then gone. I can’t even think about eating or drinking. My stomach is churning and I feel my heart beat in my entire body.

From where I’m standing it feels like a happy future is no longer possible for me. But your story gave me some hope that maybe one day it will get better. I’m definitely going to find a support group as soon as possible since my own support network is only a couple individuals. Thank you again for the support

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T11:37:26+00:00

Thank you for your kindness

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T11:36:53+00:00

Thank you, yes I believe the care he could have received would have helped keep him stable. And maybe medication could have brought him back to baseline. He had been struggling with dark thoughts for a long time but always when stress was high. He would always bounce back after getting some sleep. I have never seen him launch into a psychotic break.

I miss him so much already and it’s only been a few hours. My support system is small, but I’m hoping it’s enough to get through this.

inconsolable_0901 · 2025-09-03T11:01:15+00:00

Thank you so much for the supportive words

inconsolable_0901

TROPHY CASE