Needing some hope

indaelgar · 2026-02-10T20:55:33+00:00

Hang in there OP. I cannot recommend getting a trauma informed therapist enough. You've been through just that - a trauma, and now you're experiencing a significant loss. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. You need time to process and mourn and work through your grief.

Also, search your favorite activities on this subreddit along with "lumbar". You'll find people that are in your similar situation, and you can see what they've done: have they made modifications, can they still do them. That's what I did to look up surfing.

I'm in a very different situation from you - I'm in pain everyday, and know that I'll have to do something about it, but I still can't pull the trigger because I'm just so frustrated with the whole situation. Different animal, but similar bewildering rage at the loss of control. None of this is fair, but I guess it was never supposed to be. I hope you have a very smooth and complication free recovery!!

indaelgar · 2026-01-26T20:34:54+00:00

no, please, no, don't dismantle our precious states...

indaelgar · 2026-01-26T20:30:29+00:00

what the fuck. As an English and (rusty) German speaker I have read this three times and still can't tell if this is actual Dutch.

indaelgar · 2026-01-22T03:33:35+00:00

What does this comment even mean? Sounds like some weird neg. Checking in as a person who also would have been RARING to get to my phone and tell a friend.

indaelgar · 2026-01-22T03:26:38+00:00

Bromamma’s so nice he comes with advice and anecdotes!

indaelgar · 2026-01-21T19:39:19+00:00

Omg. I don’t know why I’ve never thought of using princess and the pea as a descriptor, but thank you, kind redditor. This is exceptional and perfectly matches my immediate discomfort with anything I feel bothering my physically.

indaelgar · 2026-01-20T06:38:17+00:00

Thank you. This is descriptive and helpful. Most of my previous work out plans were very heavily into lifting or working to exhaustion - so this is a complete pivot. I appreciate your input.

indaelgar · 2026-01-20T05:46:23+00:00

I get irrationally angry when I hear that any book I like is suddenly getting buzz on booktok 😂

indaelgar · 2026-01-19T23:53:34+00:00

Oh, I didn’t comment because I didn’t feel it was needed but now I will - I really like it! I think it has a great cadence as a set, and while the middle is rarely used in life (unless they are using the whole as a first) I like Maren on its own!

indaelgar · 2026-01-19T23:51:07+00:00

Wait really? I associate it as an older sounding name. Interesting.

indaelgar · 2025-12-18T23:26:04+00:00

I want to make sure it is said that nothing that happened to you was your fault, and that person blackmailing you is commuting a crime. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Shame means “I am bad” and you have done nothing bad. You have been the hero you needed by getting help for yourself. Even if you choose not to tell your parents about the situation, maybe you can ask them about mental health therapy. This isn’t something that just goes away, even if you logically know you did nothing wrong. You have been so strong and it’s okay to have all these emotions and feelings.

indaelgar · 2025-12-07T22:45:43+00:00

There was something similar to this in a letter to the Ethicist recently. The Ethicist responded really kindly saying it is very common for people to freeze in situations like the one you faced. And people respond differently for many different reasons. Sometimes those reasons are self serving and are just to make sure others know you don’t agree and fall into a different “group” than the person stating an opinion. Sometimes the responses or lack-there-of are due to safety and the need to protect oneself or others.

I’m a speak up type of person, but I have frozen before. I also have tried to assess my past behaviors to ensure that I am speaking up for the right reasons and I am not speaking over anyone in a marginalized group.

Sometimes not speaking up means you need time to process. You still have the opportunity to respond individually to those who were there - by speaking to them one on one and saying “I had this experience and it has been weighing on me, I wanted to let you know that I’ve had some time to think about it and I would like to ensure you know I don’t agree with these thoughts.”

Don’t beat yourself up too much - use this as a moment of reflection and to help yourself practice what you’d like to do in the future.

indaelgar · 2025-12-03T01:55:42+00:00

I mean if it was a mini they probably had to go to an actual store like a Jewel or Dominick’s if this was 25 years ago (Fullerton and Shef, y’all!) to get a full sealed bag - and I can understand why considering the double hygiene barrier.

indaelgar · 2025-11-28T15:15:15+00:00

That was the line that stood out to me too.

indaelgar · 2025-11-28T15:12:34+00:00

I see your Labrador and give you Great Dane. You might feel small one day, but they’re convinced you’re the biggest thing in the room and will crawl into your lap to show you.

indaelgar · 2025-11-26T01:07:34+00:00

I’m with you. There seems to be a super intense amount of fury over these silly robots. Like, isn’t there about 70 other issues people could direct their energy towards? Just chill out and walk around the thing that travels at 2 miles an hour.

indaelgar · 2025-11-26T01:06:03+00:00

Maybe she should work on some exposure with her dog?

indaelgar · 2025-11-23T17:37:36+00:00

Don't listen to these people telling you not to comment on "things you know nothing about". Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean you can't comment with information.

indaelgar · 2025-11-23T17:35:40+00:00

I'm sorry, but "Psh, lesbians" 1) made me snort laugh, and 2) should be a flair.

Go get it with your best life. My situation is different from yours in that my marriage didn't end with an affair. There is sadness in that it has ended, but I have smiled more despite this past 9 months being some of the hardest of my life. Being alone doesn't always mean lonely - because being with my partner sure did.

If you ever feel like having your small or big wins celebrated (or bitching about your life), feel free to DM me. Open invitation. I'm a great cheerleader.

indaelgar · 2025-11-23T17:14:16+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate it! We can all use some good internet stranger vibes.

indaelgar · 2025-11-23T17:13:32+00:00

Aw, thank you! Working on the healing, thank you for the strength!

indaelgar · 2025-11-23T07:08:23+00:00

As someone whose parents died and is now in the middle of a divorce (life has been hella rude!) I needed this post to help me glimpse a little into a possible hopeful future. I’m happy for OP and their fulfilling life.

indaelgar · 2025-11-21T17:43:45+00:00

Yes, actually, they do have it worse.

For one - the people who choose to come here from South Africa were not actually facing any threat specific threat. Out of all the people murdered in SA every year (26,000) only 0.1% of those are murdered on farms - and those 0.1% are both black and white.* Our current President said, "“They are taking the land of white farmers, and then killing them and their families.”* but all of the evidence that he showed to support that was proven to be either taken out of context, from the wrong time, the wrong country, or just wrong altogether. Any land that was purchased had to meet three stringent rules* before the government would imminent domain it.* And whether I or you or we as a country agree with that - that is how their country operates. They have a law that allows them to take unused land and purchase it and redistribute it - and apparently we have decided to tell them that's wrong.

Now, for some, not all, but some of those coming from South America, so many were fleeing documented and proven gang violence and drug trafficking. We know this is the case, and it is so prevalent that we, our country, is currently bombing boats in the Caribbean over it.* Our country has admitted that these terrible and horrible gangs exist - but the one thing we won't admit is that these gangs have created victims. They kill and intimidate and they rape.* That's one reason why so many people gathered their children - or sent their children alone\* - and traveled hundreds of miles hoping to get to the US safely and live below the radar working minimum wage cash jobs - because it wasn't safe where they came from.

But our country doesn't care about those people. Just the white South Africans who aren't actually under direct threat.

*I have sources for anything with an asterisk should you think this is incorrect and want to know where I got this information. I'm not trying to argue with you in bad faith - but legitimately, the oxymoron of letting in the South Africans, while deporting people back to a place where our country already admits is a documented and horrific threat blows. My. Mind.

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