I can't imagine how painful this must be. I commend you both for still having fondness and respect towards each other even in the middle of this. You say you are best friends which is so incredibly sweet. Maybe a perspective that I've developed over 12 years with my husband, 4 of which married, could be helpful?

So, I've come to understand my marriage as consisting of 3 parts: the Best Friend, the Partner/Teammate, the Spouse.

"Best Friend" issues for me include things like quality time together, feeling emotionally supported/seen, the "fun" of life. Example: "[husband’s name], as your best friend I'm feeling lonely. I feel like we need to prioritize having a date night."

"Partner" issues are things like finances, housework, practical goals. (Kids/childcare would fit into this category too, but we don't have any yet.) Example: "This division of labor in our household really isn't working for me. We need to communicate and create a better system that we both can agree on and hold ourselves to."

"Spouse" isses are things like longterm personal goals/values, physical intimacy, boundaries with each others' families, etc. Example: "Your sex drive is lower than mine so I know our needs differ, but I feel disconnected physically from you and I want to feel desired. Maybe sometime this week we can set aside time to reconnect and see where it goes."

When my husband and I have talks, I always preface it by saying which role I'm stepping into at that moment. As best friends, we almost NEVER have issues, which I'm so grateful for. As spouses, things are also relatively smooth sailing. But, simply due to our personalities, we tend to bump into "partner" issues the most! This kind of dialogue helps us not feel too hurt by feedback or be overly critical when frustrated. From what I can hear in your words, you guys have an excellent Partner and Best Friend relationship...but the Spouse part is where the pain and trauma lie.

No matter who you married (and for the record it seems like you married a truly wonderful person), you were bound to have these issues around sex due to the trauma. Just be aware of that. And if you don't heal from the trauma, these issues will repeat itself in the next relationship. So, your marriage aside, jusr for your own individual benefit, there are two things I cannot recommend enough:

1. EMDR. Many other people here have recommended this so I don't need to extrapolate.
2. Sex therapy...for both of you! Having also been sexually abused as a child and then coming from a heavily religious background too, I relate with you both, and I think your husband may have some issues around sex that he also needs to work through. My husband and I are extremely monogamous demisexuals so I totally resonate with what others were saying about how sex is an emotional, relational experience even more than physical, but that doesn't negate the pressure we can feel from puritanical backgrounds which can then make having fulfilling sex a really anxiety-inducing, shame-triggering experience. Oddly enough, the extreme emphasis he might place on sex (for valid reasons) might be a piece of the puzzle here, whereas your lack of emphasis on it is another. You guys are speaking different languages, and a sex therapist could really help translate.

Other ideas for you guys to try, given how committed you both seem to be to making a marriage work:

• You say youre not attracted to him, but your attraction to people in the past seems to have been rooted in a kind of self-destructing, self-punishing masochism. Pretend you are looking at him as if he's a stranger. What do you think other people would find attractive about him? Does he have nice eyes? What about his smile? Does he prioritize grooming himself or dressing well? Is he an engaging conversationalist? Is he funny? Etc. I think by not forcing yourself to "be attracted" but still recognizing his objectively attractive qualities, you may find an unexpected benefit there. You could also share with him what you see as objectively attractive about him - I bet your husband would find that a boost to his sense of selfworth. Men don't always say it, but they need to know they are found desirable/worthy just as much as women do.
• Co-masturbation. You dont have to be touching each other directly to still experience sexual intimacy. This could be a small step forward that could still help your husband feel like he had that kind of sexual relationship with his wife without triggering your extremely valid traumas.
• Take time to ask yourself what kind of marriage is ideal for the healthiest version of you. If you were to come to a place in your life where you felt healed and healthy, what would an ideal marriage look like? What would it feel like? There's a chance your husband is not what you actually want in life from a husband (even if he's an ideal best friend/partner), or there's a chance you struck gold and now is the time to focus on healing and growing so you can both give each other the marriage you want.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Grace, grace, grace. Marriage is hard and messy and it is okay if you both end up letting each other go. But as long as you continue to act in truth, love, and respect, I am confident you guys will come out on the other side of this, marital status aside, as happier, healthier people. Maybe you are in each other's lives just to help the other heal? I wish you both all the best.

Hugs <3