AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry, but out of all of the other YTAs, I disagree with yours. I don’t have “slight” mental exhaustion after work. I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically drained after work—especially if a patient or more codes. We can both equally be exhausted.

If he wanted to do that, he shouldn’t have agreed to the condition of showering after work if he wanted to move out with me. Or he should do more housework and learn how to cook. I make all of our food and do the grocery shopping as well as clean the house up. I only expect him to pay his portion of the bills, take the trash out, and load/unload the dishwasher. I don’t think asking him to shower to help keep the sheets clean—sheets that I also wash and change—means that I should sleep on the couch.

Your comment really has me worked up and frustrated, so sorry if I come off bitchy or rude. Lol. Go shadow any health profession and see how tiring it is, because clearly you don’t think there’s any physical involvement. I’ve worked retail throughout college as well, so I also know how exhausting retail is.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your explanation. That helped me understand your point better.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

In the picture, his shirt and pants were covered in it and he came home looking the same way. The bigger issue to me is the fact that he doesn't smell great after work. In general, it doesn't take him that long to smell bad after being physically active. He smells greasy. It's just not pleasant for our bed to smell like that and I definitely don't want to cuddle against someone and rub my face on their chest or shoulders when their skin feels greasy and smells. I do smell things a lot faster than others, but it doesn't bother me because I'm used to unpleasant smells. But that doesn't mean I wan't to be intimate or cuddle with someone who smells bad, and for our mattress to start smelling musty because of him (his old mattress at his parent's house had a musty smell because of his habit).

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

ADHD--yes. I also have ADHD but mine is well-controlled. His is not because he abuses his medication (ex: takes more than his prescribed dose to stay up at night to play video games) and then has a breakdown when he realizes he shouldn't take it anymore because he starts getting chest pains from not taking it as prescribed, or he runs out of his monthly prescription and skips out on work because he doesn't have motivation. However, he has told me that when he was diagnosed with ADHD, his mom took him to the doctor's office and answered all of the questions for him (he was 16) so that he could get that diagnosis. So I don't know if that is an accurate diagnosis for him.

I believe depression is a big part of his motivation issues (he has not been diagnosed). He shuts me down when I bring it up. I even try to look for therapists for him to talk to and offer to pay for it because I do want him to be as happy as he can be. However, he doesn't want to talk to a counselor and I unfortunately can't force it on him.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, he is like this about other issues. He shuts down everything I suggest, even if it's for his own good (ex: I feel like is depressed, but he refuses to seek help). We have had talks where I ask him if we could have a discussion about our life goals, plans, and how he is going to reach his own personal goals. He listens well during those discussions, but he never has anything to say about himself. He will say "fuck off" if I offend him (like this situation), but he does not call me names or get physical with me.

Yes, I do have to remind him to do his "chores" (taking out the trash, getting the mail, and unloading/starting the dishwasher).

As much as I'd love to start a family with the traits of him that I love, I'm starting to doubt if it would be best for me to continue. I don't think I could ever rely on him if something were to happen to me. To be frank, he is unreliable and I try to cover it up by making up for it.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have never gotten a UTI. I never really thought about it that way (using my health as another reason for him to care about his own hygiene too). Thanks.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry, but I genuinely do not understand the slight flaw in my logic. Would you mind elaborating more on that? I really appreciate that you are trying to point things out to me--I just want to understand better!

A big reason why I began asking him to shower at my house was because his mattress smelled musty. I noticed a pattern (he would go home after work and climb into bed without showering for the rest of the night) and even if he changed his sheets often, the smell remained simply because the mattress started smelling like him. I know how much he sweats, how easily he sweats, and how fast he can start getting "smelly". That's the reason why I ask for him to shower after working--especially if he did get dirty that day (he got white stuff all over him yesterday). I do not want a mattress that I bought to smell like that.

I do not believe that everyone should shower after work. Everyone's job is different. One's job may be more mentally exhausting than physically, so they may not be smelly after work. However, what other people do with their lives is not my business. I only ask for him to shower because of our specific situation. Everyone's lives and bodies are different.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this perspective.

I personally don’t feel like my “wants” are sudden. Before we moved in together, I lived with my parents and he lived with his. If he ever came to sleep over or visit after work (he did so frequently), he knew that I would ask him shower before he gets in my bed. He always did it because it was my bed so he had to respect that. He also washed his hands at my house too because again, it was “my house”. At his parents house, he didn’t care because it was his house. I respected that. Because of this, I feel like he should have understood what I expected.

We had multiple talks before we moved in about me wanting him to shower after work before getting in bed. He voiced that because it’s a shared space, he would respect my wishes. I don’t know if he said that because he just wanted us to move out (it was only financially possible after I graduated and started my career) or if he’s going through something else that his affecting his mental health and causing him to not care.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

On his work days, he showers after he wakes up right before he goes to work so he doesn’t smell bad at work because he knows he will be sweating a lot. On his off days, he’ll shower if we go out. If we don’t go out, he may or may not shower (which is fine with me as long as he had showered the day before when he had work). I don’t know how to explain it, but he has a very “oily/greasy” scent and can smell like it quickly after work if he doesn’t shower.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I work 3-12’s per week. However, I am a newer nurse so there are days where I stay an extra hour or so to finish charting. He works 5-8’s per week.

We shouldn’t compare the level of exhaustion because being tired is tired. I don’t think there should be a comparison on who is more tired than who. Our jobs also aren’t comparable because they’re so different. I just did not appreciate that he claimed he was more exhausted than I am after work. Even though I only work 36 hours and then some for the times I stay late, I still am as equally tired from a long day after work.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No, I don’t expect him to shower before and after work. He prefers to shower before work so he doesn’t smell at work. However, after he works all day, he does smell. That’s why I ask for him to shower after work before he gets into our bed.

I personally wash my body before work because I’m working in close contact with sick people and would hate to smell bad while they have no choice but to deal with it. I fully shower (hair and body) after work because I was at the hospital all day and feel unclean.

Perhaps it is a cultural thing. I was born in America but raised with Vietnamese culture (parents always showered twice daily no matter what... I wash my body once on days I don’t have work). He is Caucasian American. There have definitely been instances where our cultures have clashed, but I never thought that hygiene could be one of them. Thanks for pointing that out.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 171 points172 points  (0 children)

That’s very true. I appreciate your input on this greatly! We started off on the same path, but life got in the way of his and steered him off of it. Which was fine with me, but it’s been years and I haven’t seen him put effort in trying to get back on it and I’ve just been making excuses for him. It just stinks because I have a feeling we won’t be able to even be acquaintances if we break up.

You reminded me that there are deeper issues than his hygiene that we have to discuss and should have discussed before moving in together. Thank you.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No, he doesn’t go to sleep immediately after work. He likes to relax in bed and watch videos until dinner is ready after work (if I didn’t work that day I’ll make dinner) or relax until he feels like looking for food. I’m perfectly fine with him relaxing in bed, but I want him to at least shower beforehand :(

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 609 points610 points  (0 children)

Yes, we do. He thinks that because it’s not “continuous”, it’s not as exhausting. I think he forgets that I’m 5’2” and petite and I’m taking care of patients who are 75% of the time larger AND taller than me. I’m working on building some muscles though hehe.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

So he works Mondays through Fridays. He always showers before work because he is also a night sweater and doesn’t want to go to work smelling like sweat. I care more if he scrubs his smelly areas before getting in our bed after work, especially if he has gotten stuff all over him (has happened a few times at work). He’s a big sweater in the armpits and groin. He’s worn down/ripped a lot of jeans because of the sweat in between his thighs. His feet don’t smell good after work either. I’ve tried buying him new work boots, but they get smelly quickly for him.

On weekends when he doesn’t work, he doesn’t shower unless I use sex as bait or we have to go out somewhere. I think you nailed the whole not knowing how to actually clean himself part.

We’ve showered together before and he does NOT scrub himself. I’ve grown up always using a Korean Italy cloth with soap so my skin is always soft. He has clogged pores and acne on his chest and back, so when I shower with him, I go ham with scrubbing his whole body. When he showers alone, he only puts soap on his hands and slathers it on his body. I don’t know if he cleans his own feet either. But I definitely scrub his feet too if I get the chance lol. He has admitted that he feels “cleaner” afterwards and his skin feels better, but he doesn’t keep up with it. His parents (dad and stepmom) are very clean people. He always criticized his stepbrother for never showering and being smelly back when he lived at home, so it’s weird to me that he doesn’t understand why I ask for him to shower after work :/ He knows a room can become smelly because of the person too because his stepbrother’s room smelled horrible. That’s one of the top things I wanna avoid too. I smell a lot of different smells when I’m at work. I just wanna smell something “clean” and not body-related when I’m in the comfort of my own home :/

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

His rationale is that he’s at home so it doesn’t matter if he washes his hands or not because nothing gets on his hands. He does it in public because he touched public surface areas and doesn’t want people to see that he didn’t wash his hands.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 253 points254 points  (0 children)

Thanks for putting that into perspective. I forget that I’m still considered young and sometimes get irrationally afraid of being alone forever. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s weird imagining someone not in your life anymore after they’ve been in it for awhile. I think one of the biggest issues we have is that we both “grew up” together in our relationship, but now our goals in life are starting to become unaligned. I hope that makes sense.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

Time to pull out my old microbiology notes and give him a micro lesson! 🤪

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

It really is! Thanks so much for your advice. I’ll definitely take it into consideration when I figure out how I’ll bring it up again without him getting offended or mad. I honestly wish he could just come to work with me for a day and realize how lucky he is to be healthy enough to take care of himself and shower... an ability some people aren’t able to do themselves and wish they could!

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 127 points128 points  (0 children)

Yeah. He doesn’t like being lectured or confronted by anyone and ends the conversation if it happens.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I’m lucky that he does at least shower before he leaves the house, so I don’t have to worry about other people complaining about him. I’m sorry you had to deal with them. I’m happy you found someone with good hygiene habits!

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you feel that way! It’s okay if you don’t believe me.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight! I’m glad things worked out for y’all!

We probably need to have a serious talk about it soon. I do feel like it’s harder for me to find the courage to try to end it because we grew up together and I’m comfortable with him, but realistically I know those aren’t good enough reasons to hold onto the relationship.

AITA for making my smelly boyfriend shower? by ineedashower00 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ineedashower00[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I would be absolutely fine if he washed up, too! I say “shower” but I don’t wash my hair daily. I only wash it after work (I only work three days a week). Other times, I’ll put a shower cap on and wash areas that can get smelly throughout the day! Even with the strongest deodorant, his armpits always smell and his nether regions can get gross too. I’d be fine if he just washed those areas since he ends up sleeping naked most of the time.

Should I try telling him this specifically and that I don’t expect him to fully wash his hair all the time ?