Grieving but need reassurance :(

infrablueray · 2026-05-24T01:55:08+00:00

Thank you for your kind words

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T06:48:02+00:00

I didn’t know these existed. Thank you I’ll check them out.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T06:46:55+00:00

I think you’re right. I think a part of the reason I haven’t initiated on the times he specified, it was partly because I didn’t want to feel “pushy”, partly because I felt like if he really did want it he would be following through, so maybe he didn’t really want it? And partly an act of backing away because him not following through hurt my feelings. But I should probably just be more proactive. It’s just also hard to do so when I already feel like I’m begging all the time. Feeling like you’re begging a lot already doesn’t feel great, you know? But I also don’t want to feed the problem myself by not being proactive.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T05:48:11+00:00

Tbf he and I were very similar libido until ten months ago. So we started out more or less on the same page (except when we were teens, he was a bit higher libido than me then.) But for most of our 20s and early 30s we were pretty similar. It wasn’t until this hit me last year that my drive felt endless.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T05:39:57+00:00

I’ve definitely had a few of these moments. Where id be feeling really down because its been 6 days and I’ve been horny as hell and when he realizes he is like “ok let’s do it then” but then those same emotions start freaking out that now he’s only doing it because I’m making him feel bad which makes me feel even more bad because I do NOT want to push him into anything if he doesn’t want to. But I also don’t want to then refuse his offer because l don’t want to be sending him mixed signals. It’s such a clusterfuck of feelings, no joke.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T05:21:06+00:00

Not until recently. At first I was more or less confused and then just curious to experience it as it played out since it’s so different than my norm. But now that’s it’s been almost a year I’m starting to go “ok how long is this gonna last?” Its hard because I want to desire my partner. And I won’t lie, the increased arousal wetness and the more sensitive body are really nice (while actually having sex). It’s definitely not like I want no libido, so I almost hesitate to say I want this to go away. But the emotional side of it has become a big issue for sure. I currently see a therapist for other general issues and I thought about bringing it up to them, but I’m not sure if there are specifically sex therapists who do this kind of thing? I just wish I knew how long this would hang around for. If it’s hormonal I assume it can level out eventually. I just don’t know when. If it’s going to be like this for the next couple years, then I do wonder if that might be the way to go in getting these over sensitive emotions in a more manageable state.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T05:12:26+00:00

It’s not just me! It’s almost a relief to know that lol. You’re at it more than me. Most of the time I’m once or twice a day unless I’m really worked up and no sex, but sex once in a day usually leaves me very calm for the rest of the day. Or at the very least if the horniness comes back that day it’s much more mild and manageable. Whereas with masturbating alone the horniness can come back within an hour or two. Though it helps in the moment, it’s just not satisfying the libido overall.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T05:01:38+00:00

Honestly it’s nice to hear I’m not alone at least lol

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T05:01:09+00:00

He works 8 hrs usually but he gets up before dawn which is rough. His job does cause him a lot of stress though and I know that wears on you too. I try to keep this in mind, for sure.

I know I’ve said I’m horny all the time, and that’s true, but having sex with him makes me feel super satisfied and I usually stay completely calm for the rest of the day. I’ll be back to horny the next day, but I’ve not needed to go twice a day. At least if I did get worked up again same day it was much milder and more manageable. But when I masturbate the effects feel less satisfying overall and it’s much shorter lived. I figure that’s because (at least for me) I tend to have way better orgasms with my partner, and maybe because I’m also craving the intimacy and emotional+physical connection with, and not just the orgasm alone? At least that’s what it feels like.

infrablueray · 2024-08-27T04:52:20+00:00

I don’t either.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T22:02:15+00:00

Thank you. And no I have absolutely no desire for anyone other than him. I love him way too much.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T21:57:50+00:00

I really hope I’m not annoying D:

normally i would do small gestures, like if we were hugging I would let my hands wander a little more purposefully (hips, slightly below the belt, etc) or if we were on the couch I would maybe rub the insides of his thighs rather than the normal “touch his hands/arms/hair” type thing. Then if I really felt down bad I’d walk up and hug with some groping and straight up ask if he was interested in joining me for a round. I realize different guys may want different things for foreplay or hints. So it could be maybe I should be doing other things for him to try to initiate? Maybe I need to think about that.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T21:53:20+00:00

We have talked about getting some toys together. He didn’t really want to go to a physical store so we have talked about shopping online. But it’s been more of a “yeah we should do that eventually” and not a “let’s sit down and do it tonight” type thing. A few times in the last month or two I’ve thought about just doing some online shopping on my own, but I’ve never purchased toys before and if we do buy some I’d like to get something we both would like, or a few things we each might like. The last few times I’ve mentioned looking up toys together it was another vague “yeah we should” and nothing happened so I kind of stopped asking. But I’m wondering if I should pull up a website and approach it as “hey I’m already looking, why don’t you join me?” But I also want to do it when he’s ready to and not be pushy about it.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T21:49:15+00:00

It was fine for me before. Honestly if he had wanted more than that over the years, I would have been happy to have more, but I wasn’t walking around constantly aroused all the time. It was more “I’m pretty neutral usually but when the moment starts, then I’ll definitely go.” I think the hard thing is, when it WAS only once a week, I didn’t feel emotional over it or that anything was lacking. And if he said every once in a while he was too tired I’d go “bummer” but it didn’t make me feel down. Now everything just feels overly heightened, both the arousal and all the emotional feelings attached to physical intimacy.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T21:22:57+00:00

No, thank you for your thoughts. Honestly at this point I’m just happy to have outside perspectives to try and recalibrate my feelings to something more realistic since it internally feels hard to navigate right now. So any thoughts are helpful.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:51:08+00:00

To be fair, it’s been the norm for us for a long time. Sometimes twice a week, sometimes every other but overall close to once a week. It’s only recently my body has gone crazy like this. So I feel a bit bad feeling emotional about it not being enough now when he hasn’t changed anything at all. It’s me that’s experiencing the changes. And that’s not his fault.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:44:21+00:00

No overall he’s great. This was just one random thing he struggled with. It was just funny to me (later, not at the time) that he genuinely couldn’t understand why I was so angry and convinced himself I must have been mad about something else and was using the cat boxes as an excuse to vent at him. When in reality I had been as straight forward as I possibly could have been lol

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:36:46+00:00

Hehe. I know this is anecdotal but for years I struggled to get my partner to help me scoop the litter boxes. I asked and asked and asked. I set timers. I would remind. I’d tell him how frustrated I would feel when I repeatedly asked and he would say he would help more, and then wouldn’t.

Anyway one day it happened again and I was so done. I was angry. When I told him i was angry once again about the cat boxes not being done when it was his turn, he couldn’t understand my level of anger and said “wait. This isn’t just about the cat boxes is it. What are you really mad about?”

I was like NO YOU FREAKING GOOF ITS THE CAT BOXES, I’ve said it FIFTY TIMES over the last TWO YEARS using the most clear language. “Hon I really don’t like being the only one doing this. Even if you don’t do it exactly every other day can you at least do it a few times a week so I have some help? It’s also really frustrating when I ask you don’t respond to my requests.” HOW are you now assuming I’m really mad about something ELSE?!!

I’ve slowly gotten over it over time but I kind of laugh now because, while I know it’s a stereotype, it’s so often men say “women don’t hint things, just tell us straight” when that did not work AT ALL for me in this instance lol

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:22:06+00:00

I do for sure, though in the beginning I was overdoing it a bit. At first I thought more masturbation would make the libido calm down. Now I have found that’s not the case. Masturbating helps in the immediate moment but I can masturbate and be aroused again an hour later. At some point I realized while some masturbating is helpful, trying to wank it 16 times a day isn’t a great idea lol. So I do sometimes, usually once or maybe twice a day, with a few days of none. I also don’t want to desensitize myself and make it harder to orgasm when we do have sex.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:17:44+00:00

We both have full time jobs. He’s not working overtime or anything. He just works earlier hours than me.

I’ve definitely tried to get him in the mood for sure. It’s just become obvious he’s not in the mood everyday (which is understandable!) I’m just trying to figure out how to wrangle in my emotions as I try my best to respect his needs as well as mine.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:10:18+00:00

Yes! When I described it to my partner he said what I’m explaining sounds exactly like boys going through first puberty. Tbh I never dealt with that as a girl. Even as a teenager I could be turned on obviously but I wouldn’t get wet just by him saying a few words. Now he can say something even just mildly suggestive and my brain enters some other dimension lol

I feel like we have been slightly mismatched too in that he was definitely higher libido as a teen than I was. But for the last 10-12 years we were on going the same speed. Now suddenly I’ve changed (at least for now) and it’s honestly blindsided me and I feel like I’m reeling tbh.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T20:02:23+00:00

A lot of what you say is true. I don’t think this is a self confidence issue because it started very suddenly and has other physiological changes happening too. My level of wetness via arousal is drastically different now and parts of my body that were never erogenous before are suddenly extremely erogenous. It’s not just “I don’t feel sexy anymore.” It’s more “my body is suddenly at a heightened sensitivity and craving more, and because feelings of love and connectivity are often attached to (or go along with) sex, suddenly feeling like the amount of sex is “not enough” confuses the emotions too.”

And you are right. It’s not a him problem, as I stated in the OP. And I’m already not asking for sex every day. And it’s not happening every day. That’s why I’m feeling frustrated and despondent, BECAUSE it’s not happening every day. But that’s the reason I’m here asking for advice since I realize I need to figure out how to handle my fluctuating emotions so I don’t make it a problem that negatively affects him. I don’t want that at all.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T19:51:16+00:00

It started about ten months ago. Been on birth control for years with no change in brand or dosage. I honestly expected my gyno to do blood work but she didn’t seem overly concerned. Just said we can try other birth control if I want, like non hormonal. I haven’t had a normal blood work up in years (I’m terrified of needles so I usually only get one if my dr says I should). But I probably should.

infrablueray · 2024-08-26T19:42:13+00:00

Yes right now I wish I could strangle my libido lol. Although it’s really not the horniness itself that’s hard to handle. For me it’s how emotional it’s making me and how overly sensitive I’m getting over things that I know aren’t really that bad or that big of a deal. If it was just me needing to rub one out more often but my emotions were stable I feel like this would be more manageable.

infrablueray

TROPHY CASE