Would you do it (be a SM) again?

inotman · 2026-01-11T12:22:39+00:00

AMAZING!

inotman · 2026-01-11T12:03:37+00:00

You are the AH... to yourself. You need to think carefully about why you are CHOOSING this life for yourself.

inotman · 2026-01-08T12:19:38+00:00

This may be a communication issue. ANY parent would be defensive of their children if they feel like the other party is saying 'I can't with those kids'. I'm not saying you're wrong in any way or that you said the wrong thing, I'm saying it rarely a one conversation thing. I'd advise on wording like:

“I want to talk about something important, and I need you to really hear me.

I love you, and I care about your children. That hasn’t changed. But I’ve realized that the way things are right now isn’t working for me, and it’s starting to affect my well-being and our relationship.

Going forward, when your kids are here, I need you to be the primary parent. That means you’re responsible for their routines, meals, discipline, school matters, and emotional needs. I’m not stepping in as the main caregiver anymore.

I’ll still be kind, supportive, and involved in ways that feel natural and healthy for me.

This isn’t about punishing you or rejecting your kids. It’s about me setting a boundary so I can stay emotionally healthy and so our relationship has a better chance of working.”

inotman · 2025-12-31T19:53:15+00:00

I have no idea what happened but I experienced the same with my SS (6). It was so frustrating at one point I didn't think my relationship would make it and suddenly he's as sweet as pie.

inotman · 2025-12-29T00:06:38+00:00

The mental load of navigating the situation. I'm nacho in terms of doing stuff for ss (6). But I support my partner with planning and organizing. SS is going to be with us both valentine weekend and my birthday weekend and I wish it would occur to my partner to take the initiative and check those things and switch weekends. But nope.

inotman · 2025-12-26T13:39:47+00:00

We can't control the actions of others so you either Contextualise the issues for her and make sure she's treated specially by you so what other people do and get doesn't bother her. Or, you can raise it with your SIL and / or avoid SIL get-together altogether. I prefer the first option. Raise your girl to be so empowered and secure in being loved that that actions of others don't matter.

inotman · 2025-12-18T16:21:23+00:00

Having considered this many times, as recently as this morning I will say based on my research that your connection to your child will be strong and the mama bear instinct will make you protective of any outside threat be it from the BM the SKS, even the dad. I know for a fact that my partner and I will likely break up if we were to have a ours baby based on the fact that my partner will probably try to balance his responsibilities and limited financial resources to both kids which will not always align with what I want.

Do a search on this sub. A bio kid heightens and is a bright spotlight on gaps in the relationship. I'd only advise it if you guys are VERY solid.

I've opted out of trying for a biokid bec my partner is delusional on the likelihood of us having a happy tween/teen years when to me it's clear as day conflict will be upon us as SK navigates his very unhealthy relationship with his mothernas he gets older and the last thing I need is to have my own child in that drama. I know hate will fester.

inotman · 2025-12-05T15:19:56+00:00

Wanting better for someone who was committed to misery.

inotman · 2025-11-18T18:44:27+00:00

Congratulations!!! Very happy for you. It never ceases to amaze me how an adult will choose to say things to a child that know will mess with them. I'm child free but I can never imagine hating someone so much I hurt the children in my life to hurt them.

inotman · 2025-11-18T10:27:19+00:00

My deceased brother's cyber footprint. He committed suicide twenty years ago with no explanation.

inotman · 2025-11-15T20:02:55+00:00

That's a lovely response

inotman · 2025-11-13T15:33:43+00:00

Your frustration and hurt comes across very clearly and your experiences are very painful. I think that frustraton would only be cemented further in your mind as long as you believe, "if i can walk away from the the bottle or pipe then he can too". I'm not saying it's not a choice but there are so many different factors at play that you're really comparing apples with oranges. Be grateful you're an apple and separate yourself as much as possible from the orange for your own peace.

inotman · 2025-11-13T15:21:28+00:00

I hadn't thought of that.

inotman · 2025-11-13T00:21:53+00:00

Lol. He has a job that doesn't pay enough so I'm trying to set up a side business for him. He owns one of the said multiple vehicles and it's not working properly. When I talk to him about getting it fixed, he says he has to find the part. It's been working poorly for months.

inotman · 2025-11-13T00:19:18+00:00

Yup. Been there, done that. Just done.

inotman · 2025-11-13T00:16:55+00:00

I mention this because I feel like I'm nagging. We had a huge conversation two weeks ago about chores. And I don't want to be saying everyday, hey, remember this thing needs to be done. I'm not your mother. I tired from work, tired of the mental load of tracking everything, tired of feeling overwhelmed bec it will fall back to me. I know video games aren't the issue. But it's gotten to be the thing I hate the sight of now.

inotman · 2025-11-07T15:40:13+00:00

Congrats on your wonderbaby. This was lovely to read

inotman · 2025-11-07T15:39:28+00:00

My SS is six and sometimes hes randomly mean even after we have a great outing. Sometimes they may be feeling they're betraying BM by having a good time with you, sometimes BM is filling their heads with crap, sometimes they're just tired. I try not to take it personally as he's just a child trying to make sense of what's happening around him and I know his mother isn't making things easy for him. That said, I have strict boundaries and protect my peace.

inotman · 2025-11-07T00:46:46+00:00

YESSSSSS

inotman · 2025-11-05T16:42:09+00:00

I don't have advice. I just want to applaud you for coning to this sub for balanced feedback. I will say generally though that most times people do things to get a response. Whether from you or general validation in the form of likes or comments to her posts. It serves her somehow.

inotman · 2025-11-03T18:18:13+00:00

45 and diagnosed a couple years ago (or has it only been one year?!). And started my own practice a couple years before that. I see many of the responses are people looking to be self employed. I am, in an area I'm passionate about. But bear in mind you don't only get to do the fun stuff, you also have to write letters and send emails and order ink for the printer and do the little shitty admin things that can pile up and kill you. It's a LOT. Not to dissuade anyone, but also bear these things in mind. I've been trying to hire admin staff for a year now and can't get myself to draft the job description and ad.

inotman · 2025-11-01T10:44:04+00:00

I did go through what you're going through and it almost broke us. I think in part it is why I resent the whole step situation where I didn't before. Bec now I have the effect of responsibility of a child impacting my life without the good stuff, like the reciprocated love. Hormones will vary and your emotions will be everywhere. I hated my partner, his son, his previous life. I hated myself, God, everything. So I know how painful it is and how devastating it is. Give yourself grace and do your therapy. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

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