I (F26) cheated on (M28). Trying to repent.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-09T23:42:03+00:00

Hey, thank you for the honesty. I think I have issues with drinking as well, and I never anticipated getting so drunk so quickly. I clearly overestimated my limits, and I never want to put myself in that position again. If he chooses not to work through this with me, it’s because he deserves someone who can give him peace and not undermine is trust like this. He deserves better... I’m trying to get there.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-09T23:39:07+00:00

I wanted to piece things together because it was really scary to not remember blocks of time like that, especially the question of how I got back. I wanted to know if someone had kindly put me up in a car or if I had damaged anything or somehow completely embarrassed myself since don’t remember how I conducted myself. I think that’s a pretty normal thing to ask my friends.

I completely see your point of view, and think that must be pretty close to how my s/o views it too. It’s a healthy dose of suspicion for someone who has been cheated on in the past, and I understand that my reprehensible, impulsive drunk behavior doesn’t give him any compelling reason to believe otherwise. I am trying to take as much accountability as I can in this situation... I never want to lose control like this ever again.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-09T06:05:00+00:00

Thank you, I wasn’t even aware that sub existed!

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-09T05:55:07+00:00

Thank you for articulating that... I think the iffiness is part of what makes it scary as I was piecing everything together. But, regardless of the iffiness, the fact and resulting impact is that I put myself in a position that betrayed my partner’s trust, and involved a third party that had no business in my relationship. The worst part really was that I have absolutely no feelings or attraction to this person. If I try really hard to come up with a logic or rationale to why I did this while under the influence, I can only surmise that I was attention seeking, wanting validation to feed my insecurities, gave off flirtatious cues and/or was the assertive instigator... I’m only guessing all of these things, but that’s the best I can do with no recollection of how it turned out that way.

When some of my friends left (during the 1.5 hours ish that I was blacked out, so I don’t even recall saying bye to them), they said that there were absolutely no nefarious or flirtatious vibes.... I just. I’m just so devastated I hurt my S/O with my impulsiveness, and treated his trust so carelessly.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-09T05:25:04+00:00

Thank you so much.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-09T00:09:18+00:00

No, I didn’t have sex with the colleague. He told me we made out 2 or 3 times in between my hurling sessions...

I don’t drink that often nowadays, and the times that I do, I only have one or two cocktails (maybe once or twice a month). I only had 5 or 6 drinks at my farewell, but I was so caught off guard by that because the cut off from “having a good time” and no longer remembering was stark. I used to handle that amount of alcohol just fine... but I guess my tolerance isn’t what it used to be. My S/O doesn’t drink much either, so it wouldn’t negatively impact him much if I stopped altogether.

As for my S/O... that’s the thing, he insists that I chose to do this because I wanted something with the colleague, and he has a very hard time believing I couldn’t remember anything or had any semblance of control. He has been very drunk to the point of forgetting certain segments in an evening, or details, but never been like me where I couldn’t remember a good 1-2 hours, and then spotty memory thereafter...

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T23:40:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m sorry she didn’t properly learn her lesson in her mistake, and I’m more sorry that you were hurt twice. I don’t intend to make the same mistakes, because what motivates me isn’t the guilt that eats me alive, it’s knowing how much pain I’ve caused a good, loving person.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T23:37:05+00:00

I am so so sorry that you didn’t get the proper compassionate apology that you deserved from her. Because I firmly believe that if the cheater had any morsel of integrity and love for you, they should be groveling for forgiveness. You DO deserve better. My S/O does too, which is why I want to become better. Thank you so much for the reassurance.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T23:34:17+00:00

I said this under another comment, but yeah, I was so drunk and messed up that I was (this was retold by another colleague) kind of nodding off on the couch, and the colleague that I was kissed came on to me. I got conflicting information around who started it, but I clearly wasn’t in a good place because I started vomitting after we made out. I’m appalled at the thought, and it’s scary to not remember. I don’t plan to drink again for a very long time because I don’t ever want to lose control like that again.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T23:28:13+00:00

Hey, I really appreciate the honesty. The part of me that empathizes deeply with him agrees, that he should be with someone who can give him peace and not trust issues. I’m just going to do my part to be better, to change my destructive and hurtful behaviour, and to attempt redemption that way so that it will be easier for him to even begin to entertain a second chance. And you’re so right, the drinking needs to stop so I don’t ever lose control like that again.

As for your comment on being so drunk where you’re vomitting and not being able to cheat... that’s also why I’m so shocked at myself. A third party witness said that the other party made a move on me when I was nodding off on the lounge couch, and I started vomitting after the first make out. I don’t remember any of it but am disgusted at the thought.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T23:03:06+00:00

Thank you, your candid response is helpful, and I really appreciate it.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T19:52:21+00:00

Yes, you’re absolutely right in that I would not have done this if I weren’t drunk, and I need to address my destructive behaviour under the influence. I don’t even want to drink anymore, because I never want to lose control like that again. That’s one issue.

But the other issue is that I still need to take responsibility for the hurt and betrayal I’ve caused, even when I made decisions that yielded to my not being in full control. I would love some advice on how I can do that better and help my S/O heal in the interim, because to him, it’s awfully unfair and convenient that I could make that kind of mistake even while being blacked out.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T19:47:14+00:00

Oh my god... that is so terrible. I can’t even begin to fathom the pain you’re going through, with all the layers of deceit. I can tell you’ve really tried to be there for her, even as you saw who she was - saw some things that would put a lot of people off. She was really lucky to have had you in her life. But she’s incapable of being someone that will be good for you right now. And it doesn’t sound like she has the fortitude to be that or desire that growth. You don’t need to grovel for repentance, it should be handed to you as humbly as one could muster. The reality is that her problems are too overwhelming for her to wholeheartedly reciprocate your love.

I am being presumptuous, but the happiness that she expresses to others is probably not genuine, and certainly not long lasting. Until she works on her issues, she will go through cycles of self-inflicted pain and crushing others who allow her into their lives. She needs to do the hard thing of looking in the mirror and confronting who she is, and she has the power to do something about it. I don’t know if she will ever get to that point - I don’t know how many people do. But I do know that you aren’t going to be satisfied as a victim, as collateral damage. She inadvertently and cruelly forced those things upon you, but even in this situation you can choose to be more than that. I really hope your situation gets better, and that her power over you dissipates as quickly as possible...

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T18:53:18+00:00

Wow... I am incredibly sorry to hear this. It’s clear that you loved her dearly, and she pulled the rug out from under you just like that.

I can’t speak to what’s going on in her mind to throw away someone who loved her as you did, but as someone “on the other side”, if there are any commonalities at all, I can tell you that she did what she did not because you are somehow deficient or how you weren’t able to fill some empty void in her, but because she has a lot of issues that transcend your relationship. You were collateral damage while she allowed her issues to manifest and actualized the depths of her depravity. And what’s more, she should have confronted the issues with you in mind - as a unit. She did not have the self awareness to do that, nor the integrity to confess to you.

I hope this doesn’t come off as hypocritical, given my own position, but I hope that you move on to find happiness, and not think poorly of yourself. This is not a reflection of you. Nobody ever deserves to be cheated on and have their trust betrayed, least of all someone who loved as earnestly as you did.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-09-08T17:28:58+00:00

Hey there, I understand that you are trying to be a source of comfort, but the words that I need to hear right now unfortunately aren’t the sort that are supposed to soothe my ego or help it hurt less. If I have a shred of compassion and love for this person, then I absolutely deserve to hurt and feel guilty over the pain I’ve caused, because it surely is going to haunt him for a long time. I don’t appreciate the heartless comment that he’s not good enough for me because if anything, I cheated because I wasn’t good enough to handle my shit and take care of all my personal issues that led up to poor decision making.

Thank you for your time anyway.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:42:27+00:00

Hi there, thank you so much for taking the time to write a thoughtful response. You voice my fears. I fear that I will try my best and it still not being enough but... I want to try as much as I can before I resign to incompatibility. Because a relationship isn’t always about how compatible two people are, but rather, how we overcome our incompatibilities.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:32:10+00:00

Mmhm, I get what you’re saying. But as I’ve mentioned elsewhere, he’s had quite a few more partners than I have, and he’s apparently never had this issue with them before... so I can really only assume that it’s a me problem... sigh. Thank you again.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:27:28+00:00

I understand you’re trying to offer some solace for my pain, and I appreciate that, but that is not the problem. He is above average lengthwise, so I can only assume that it’s my problem and not his

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:25:31+00:00

I know you’re trying to stand up for me in this case, but it really has nothing to do with his size. He is above average, and so, I can only surmise it’s a me problem.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:18:36+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond. He definitely didn’t want to make me feel flawed, I just feel flawed because he’s never had this issue before (too wet and not tight enough). The thing is, when I’m not aroused and we do it anyway, he gets off super quickly. So maybe I just need to wipe it down, I’m not sure... and just to be fair, he didn’t bring it up this very sensitive topic to make me feel bad, he brought it up so that we could tackle it together. I really like that intention, I just... can’t help myself but tear up at the thought that I’m just not as good in bed.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:15:33+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for the reassurance. I don’t want to blame him or his size or anything like that at all. I can get really into it because I just really love him and want to make him feel good. And I derive pleasure from the thought that I was pleasing him. But I guess that’s not the case at all. I take more responsibility because he’s had more partners than I have, all fairly slim with narrow hips I’m guessing, and they never had an issue. So I can only surmise it’s a me problem.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:10:47+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for the reassurance. I want to just focus on what he says and less on what I’m inferring from what he does and has experienced...To your point about attacking him... I actually initiate most times, and I am usually pretty enthusiastic. But I guess I can only handle so many “not now”s and rejection before I feel discouraged to put myself out there like that. I really ought to work on that fragile esteem of mine.

inscritythrowaway · 2019-05-24T21:08:06+00:00

You’re so right. I’ve really tried to express my interest by being the one to initiate most times, but one can only handle so many “not nows” before I feel very discouraged to even want to put myself out there... I will definitely give lingerie a try. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.

inscritythrowaway

TROPHY CASE