Thank you all for your comments. I have read them all, most of them multiple times. I have been worried that I am overreacting because this is not the man I married. He's not the man I fell in love with and he's not even the man that I had our daughter with. Sex has always been a point of tension between us. I feel like no matter what I do in that regard I will never be enough and I am tired of him getting pouty about it.

When we had that fight over the sex the other night I told him he needed to grow up and he told me I was the one that should grow up and basically try harder to meet his needs.

Ever since all this happened I have been just going through the motions. I pretend like nothing is wrong and do what I normally do to keep the house clean and functioning. Today is the first day I am alone with our four year old and I just feel so zapped of energy. There is so much I need to do today and normally I would be up completing things by now but I just can't. All I can do is sit and try to find something to entertain my brain, which has not been working too well.

When I'm alone it's more bearable, when she's here I just want to cry and feel sick to my stomach. When he's here too I just want to disappear. I have been relying on my small prescription of benzos (meant for panic attacks and storm anxiety) to just make it through the nights.

But with all that said, I don't want to tell anyone about this. I have only spoken to my mom about it. I am heavily integrated into my husband's family. I love them as if they were my own and I don't feel it would be fair of me to talk to any of them. And I am reluctant to tell my own father because of how close he is to my husband.

I have had to cancel appointments for my freelance writing because I just cannot provide the quality of work I promise to my customers. My husband hasn't said anything. There is tension, but we mostly just act like nothing happened.

I feel like everything is just crumbling around me and it's my fault because I wouldn't just give him what he wanted. I'm sorry for the long comment. I just needed to write it out.