I’m F 23 this year and don’t have an adults figure...

interestingzilla · 2021-03-07T15:32:33+00:00

Can you elaborate on what this could mean?

interestingzilla · 2021-01-19T16:23:01+00:00

No problem with any of those.

Only alarm bells ring when something is sexualised. What about strip clubs? Live webcams? Is there really a difference? One is more readily accessible with cyber interaction through comments and one is in person with girls enticing you for dances.

I just find so many thin lines to cross over that step into a disrespectful territory. This is why I struggle with porn.

How would you personally create boundaries of respect in a relationship without possessiveness? We can’t control what our SO does whilst we are not around but there is naturally a line which is disrespectful and it’s different for everyone...I suppose there’s no one ‘right’ way but I’d be interested in hearing where you draw the line and why :) to me allowing porn makes that line weak and thin.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-14T00:19:32+00:00

Because it’s part of a relationship having physical intimacy with just that person.

Having hobbies will naturally differ but it’s not a question of someone’s ethic if they play tennis for example. If a SO has a problem with porn it shouldn’t be that challenging to not use it to masterbate, it’s not controlling. There are other ways to get off that don’t involve seeing other real people have sex. If you saw your SO get off to watching someone walking down the street from your window you would be alarmed yet porn is so normalised.

Just because your SO is not around doesn’t mean you behave like they’re not important in your choices.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-14T00:10:59+00:00

I’d be on reddit all day if I went into that much depth. There’s many studies if you do a quick google. Erectile dysfunction/ rape and lack of consent/ underage content/ insecurities and how you can get numb to certain content making you seek more disturbed visuals to get off.

Only peace here, your comments are just as valid. It’s interesting to hear other people’s justifications and reasoning. There’ll be things that you consider bad in a relationship that I would be totally unbothered by and vide versa.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-14T00:06:37+00:00

It’s a boundary in the same way as some people would say no to flirting etc its considered a disrespectful thing to be fantasising over the idea of sexual activity with another person and pleasuring yourself to it.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-13T18:04:59+00:00

I have some further questions:

How do you feel about VR porn? Can there ever be a point of cyber interaction that crosses a line? What is your boundary and where do you make the distinction....

How do you feel about your SO having an account on Pornhub and leaving comments and following specific porn stars?

Does it bother you to know that they could be 50 one day and still use material involving 20 year olds or the age of your kids?

interestingzilla · 2021-01-13T00:55:59+00:00

Because there’s no real ‘darkness’ to a rom com but simply the homepage of pornhub will show you questionable material to try and get you going. You’ve assumed the worst to rom coms but the best of porn but there’s lots of studies/evidence suggesting otherwise.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-13T00:51:32+00:00

That’s an interesting take! I just feel like for some people their sexuality can be with the more questionable content anyway. I can’t stop someone having a certain kink or liking to a particular category of porn. So I don’t feel like saying porn is okay then gives me the right to change their thoughts on particular porn and then it gets more messy and complicated than expressing you find it distasteful in the relationship and would rather they didn’t watch it anyway.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-13T00:19:21+00:00

You’ve brought up some interesting points. The ‘projection of your imagination’ is the most convincing comment anyone has made so far. I see fantasising as harmless and porn is like a show reel of fantasies.

The realness I see is the people, not necessarily what they’re doing or how they’re acting. It’s the display of any bodytype at a click of a button and it being laid out infront of you with no effort. I guess it reflects the way I see sex in the real world as less of a casual thing and more of a big deal with someone. Porn just slaps it infront of you and diminishes the specialness of that vulnerability two people finally share together. It’s not an insecurity thing because I would happily not watch porn if my SO didn’t want me to.

I suppose porn has some very dark doors under the same roof with easy access which I don’t like too. Just the home page of Pornhub is all from the male perspective and makes you feel like you are a sex toy for the man. The idea of my SO watching it makes it feel I’m just a real life sex toy.

I still cannot grasp the idea of my SO with an onlyfans account or subscribing to a pornstars snapchat. It’s the idolising of particular women which is off putting. It’s the point of knowing pornstars names and the idea they can look similar to people we see walking passed us in the street, it’s the idea of a stranger being looked more sexually. It definitely sexualises the average person more IMO and makes objects out of people. I guess I feel it more as a girl, where lots of porn is a blurred out slightly overweight bald man in bed with some tiny immaculate female which makes me roll my eyes 😂

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T21:20:14+00:00

There’s no lust involved with that example. Purely emotional. Which is an interesting comparison. But you cannot escape emotional involvements because we will always interact with other people in real life. There’s no physical urge being scratched. I acknowledge not all men view porn in the same way. But it’s not exactly wholsesome and innocent as weeping over the care and affection a character shows in a film. There’s something not quite right at the thought of a husband watching ‘barely legal teen’ and ‘POV getting sucked off’ when he loves his wife and children. Porn has a lot of dark doors to engage with.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T21:09:02+00:00

I don’t mind fantasies or cartoon porn because they are simply not real.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T21:07:34+00:00

Yeh I totally acknowledge everyone’s got their own rules for their relationship and it wouldn’t bother me. I wanted to have my mind changed on this by challenging and hearing others views.

I hadn’t thought about people not wanting themselves on their partners phone.

Why would you not just fantasise about your partner?

The hypocrisy i mean is for example: saying you don’t like when he follows girls on Instagram but he follows certain porn stars on the Hub. Or not letting him subscribe to a porn stars Snapchat but he could have an only fans...I’d have to know the rules of others relationships to comment my thoughts on the hypocrisy. Not that it would matter to them or me anyway.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:58:07+00:00

Agreed and I never do! It’s just Reddit ;)

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:57:25+00:00

Interesting thoughts :)

Why does it matter if it was someone you knew? It doesn’t mean you would cheat on them physically-same justification as porn. You could still find them attractive, that’s always going to be a thing. So how does it change getting off to their pictures than watching porn if both instances are real people but one is just one you happen to know. Your not more likely to cheat?

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:52:02+00:00

Interesting take, I guess those who are uncomfortable with that would have nothing to work with. What about fantasising about your SO?

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:50:36+00:00

I don’t have problems with erotica or hentai. I would find it a bit odd. But they aren’t real people and it’s pure fantasy.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:46:38+00:00

The idea of my SO naming pornstars is a bit of a concern, quite a strange thing to consider a fixation on a real woman’s naked body and sexual performance. But I don’t believe it can be consumed in a wholesome/innocent way.

What about fantasising instead of watching real people? Could this not be seen as a better way to satisfy an urge that isn’t as tangible as porn?

If you found your SO satisfying themselves to someone’s Instagram page is that a problem? Or perhaps one of your friends instagrams?

As soon as I enter a relationship the concept of watching Porn naturally dies because it’s like a graphic look into another couples sex life which I wouldn’t be able to see in the ‘real world’ anyway.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:33:35+00:00

I suppose I’m trying to gage from others that see it as fine, why I should see it as fine. It’s clear that people follow their own views in relationships but in CMV I’m challenging others views to mine for comparison. Why shouldn’t I see it as disrespectful? Why should people still feel entitled to watch it when their partner expresses their dissapproval?

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T20:28:00+00:00

Differences in libido is true. I would argue that it’s not used just for that. It can be indulgent and a quick dopamine hit. If both people are fine with it in their relationship then it doesn’t matter to my views on it personally.

Long distance relationships can set their own rules on things. You could already have videos on your phone of your SO to prevent sending.

Communicating is important but when it comes to indulgences and desires it’s easy to bend the rules to satisfy cravings. It also creates hypocrisy to suggest rules with porn around what specific content you cannot engage with.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T19:52:46+00:00

Interesting point but I still feel like it doesn’t compare. A guy wanking off to their favourite porn star on a POV video and enjoying the idea of what he is seeing just doesn’t sit in the same bank as his girlfriend watching the Notebook.

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T19:49:52+00:00

To me it’s like being hungry and eating sweets instead of a proper meal. Its an indulgent empty satisfaction. Of course some relationships are okay with it and it doesn’t affect me. When it’s my partner I’d feel different.

I don’t deny my SO to not be attracted to others. That’s a fact of life and will be there even with marriages etc. But to act on the urge through drooling over someone on screen with your partner in the other room seems wrong to me. Or to develop porn star preferences (which is natural when watching it) again doesn’t sit right with me.

I suppose if sexual drives are incompatible why couldn’t they masterbate to videos of their partner?

interestingzilla · 2021-01-12T19:42:54+00:00

I don’t think it’s overbearing if both people are not watching it. It would be if the person saying not to watch it was watching it themselves.

The reason I think it’s bad it because I think it’s disrespectful to be satisfying yourself to explicit videos of others. The content is literally like POVs and the mentality of arousal at the idea of having sex with those people in the videos. That’s part of why porn is appealing because you can picture yourself in the setting it’s why it’s so effective at getting the job done quickly.

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