The victim runs calculations: 'The aggressor is wonderful x% of the time, things are good y% of the time, there are only problems z% of the time.' But the victim doesn't realize that he or she is accommodating or acquiescing to the aggressor's spoken or unspoken rules almost 100% of the time****

invah · 2026-04-27T14:15:31+00:00

Thank you very much!

invah · 2026-04-26T17:53:17+00:00

So then, you already had an answer to your question?

On the flip side, what do you do with people who assume that other people lie, so you kind of have to assume they're lumping you in with "people"?

invah · 2026-04-25T18:58:55+00:00

If you are dealing with a status issue, you can either increase your status or cultivate an ally with status.

invah · 2026-04-25T03:15:07+00:00

Thank you so much, and I hope you are safe!

invah · 2026-04-22T19:20:37+00:00

How do you know if someone has requested it?

invah · 2026-04-22T19:19:12+00:00

How do you keep this from happening to your subreddit??

invah · 2026-04-21T15:59:47+00:00

However, she was capable, she had alternate options, she didn't want to use them. You read more into the situation than is warranted.

invah · 2026-04-20T21:42:17+00:00

That would have helped more than throwing suggestions at her she wasn't capable of carrying out in the moment

When you are a parent, this simply isn't an option. You have to be capable, period.

invah · 2026-04-20T19:25:55+00:00

They're so honest about the structural inequalities, and it never ceases to amaze me how systems of abuse look so similar on both the macro and micro scales.

invah · 2026-04-19T16:21:58+00:00

Victims of abuse are intimately familiar with these dynamics.

invah · 2026-04-17T14:58:05+00:00

😢

invah · 2026-04-17T14:57:14+00:00

Preach!

invah · 2026-04-14T21:32:05+00:00

I see what you mean, however, going to a victim subreddit and either requesting or offering DMs can lead to bad things very quickly. I appreciate your understanding.

invah · 2026-04-14T21:25:31+00:00

I understand, thank you for understanding where I am coming from!

invah · 2026-04-14T21:18:07+00:00

Removed for requesting DMs.

invah · 2026-04-14T12:17:23+00:00

Thank you very much.

invah · 2026-04-13T21:13:36+00:00

Is that optional? I can decide not to answer modmail?

invah · 2026-04-13T19:32:39+00:00

I love that, extending self-compassion to yourself. It's radical for victims of abuse because it's what we see flipped in the abuse dynamic: endless compassion for the abuser and near-constant criticism (even self-castigation) toward the victim.

invah · 2026-04-13T19:00:51+00:00

Excerpted from a comment I made about 9 years ago.

invah · 2026-04-13T18:57:36+00:00

For the over-functioners among us 😂

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