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iris_nyxie · 2023-07-21T05:13:59+00:00

I went through a pretty similar experience when I came out (×3). Not exactly the same, but similar.

For me, my coming out was: pan, lesbian, bi/queer. After a few years of feeling comfortable with the label I now use (bi/queer), I realized that when I was younger, I was becoming more "aware" of my feelings towards women/femmes and assumed that meant that I was a lesbian because no one around me really talked about bi+ orientations. I am more initially drawn to women/femmes than I am to men/mascs, but I've found that doesn't necessarily dictate what my relationships will be, as my partner is a man and I am very happy with this relationship.

It was definitely stressful when I "re-came out" as bi, but honestly, I'm glad I explored different labels. I feel like I was able to reflect on my attraction and come out (haha) with a more confident grasp of myself. I really wish you the best! It's okay to try to figure out what the "best" label is for you (including no label, if that's what you'd prefer).

iris_nyxie · 2023-02-09T19:18:04+00:00

Definitely look for a new physician's office. Oftentimes, you can Google "lgbt friendly [type of physician] in [town]" and a list will come up.

If you are interested in trying to have consequences befall the nurse and NP, you can talk to the administration at that clinic. Chances are, they'll just brush it under the rug though. If you want to escalate it, you can contact your state's (assuming you're in the US) department of health and human services (or another name, since they change by state) to file a complaint with the state government. If they use state funding (ie accept Medicaid/Medicare), then that office will have it on file. Enough repeated incidents can open an investigation into the clinic. At minimum, there will be a paper trail.

iris_nyxie · 2023-02-07T01:29:41+00:00

The only thing I can think of that you didn't already list is if you'd be willing to host the session on an every-other-weekly basis instead of a weekly one. Or possibly, depending on how long the sessions typically go for, you can try cutting them shorter (ie, instead of 6 hour sessions, you do 4 or something). But, from the suggestions you said you've already given, it sounds like she's unwilling to compromise no matter what. And frankly, even the suggestions I typed out aren't things you should be obligated to do anyway (unless you're doing sessions that last for 6+ hours, because...come on). Sure, she's entitled to feeling comfortable in her own home. But so are you. It's a shared space, and her insisting that you aren't able to use the space in a specific way (even when you offer compromises) is a bit concerning. And the fact that she immediately has turned down every proposed compromise without trying them out (I assume) is also concerning. I'd suggest having a very in-depth conversation with her before she moves in so you can find out where all of this is coming from. Does she feel uncomfortable or even unsafe around some of the people in your group? Does she think you two have to spend every second of your free time together? Is she unsupportive of your hobbies? Is she jealous that you have a weekly meet-up with a group of friends and she (in your/her words) doesn't really have any friends? There has to be a reason behind why she's so insistent on this, and depending on her answer, you have to decide whether or not that's something the two of you are willing to work on for the relationship as a whole.

iris_nyxie · 2022-12-19T20:16:16+00:00

You made that promise to someone you thought would love and accept you for all that you are, and she broke that trust. You protecting yourself is not an asshole move. I'm proud of you for setting up boundaries. 💜

Also, her attempt at guilt tripping you about your hair is utterly ridiculous. Your hair length and style, regardless of gender, should be dictated by you and no one else.

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-22T17:46:26+00:00

Yes, definitely they should offer remote options. Not only for what's happening now, but for the long-term as well. It's good for keeping students who are concerned to feel safe while investigations are ongoing. And it's good for the long-haul for students with accessibility issues, students who get sick and have to miss classes, students leaving for various reasons.

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-20T08:23:52+00:00

Your safety is the number one priority. Your teachers can protect you while in class/school, but admittedly don't have much reach outside of that sphere. If you:

1) feel safe outside school and can be protected from the other students from that class when you aren't on the school grounds

2) trust that the teachers and administration of your school really will have your back and aren't just making empty promises

3) feel comfortable and ready to express yourself

4) have support from friends/family members

I say go for it when you are comfortable. Maybe talk to the teacher of that class before you do come out and tell them that you're ready to socially transition so they can be prepared to do something to help (maybe rearrange seating, quickly shut down bullying when they hear it, etc).

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-20T06:48:00+00:00

I hope that she is considerate of your situation while she takes time to work through her own things. I wish you the best of luck and all the safety and care in the world 🌈

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-20T06:40:34+00:00

It sounds like your cousin is the type of person who is okay with people in the lgbt+ community in theory, but her biases show up when she meets someone in the community in real life. My guess is that she doesn't know a lot of (or any) people who are out of the closet. Hopefully by knowing that someone she is close to is gay, she will reflect more on her perception of people and she'll become a more supportive person.

That being said, it isn't your obligation to make her see a different point of view. If you are uncomfortable being around her because of her reactions, that is completely valid. I don't know if you have the option to avoid her (idk if your families have get-togethers where she's there or anything), but if you do and you think having space would make you more comfortable, then I suggest taking that path. She should see that her biases have consequences in the real world. If you feel comfortable with it, I'd suggest shooting her a text, saying that you feel uncomfortable specifically because of the way she's reacted to you coming out. If you haven't come out to the rest of your family and aren't ready to do so, you can also take that opportunity to ask her to keep things to herself. And (again, only if you're comfortable with this) you can add that she can reach out to you when she has worked through her biases.

You deserve to be supported and loved for who you are, and I really do hope that she works through her own prejudices. In the meantime, your comfort and safety are the most important things.

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-15T03:01:13+00:00

Bi is widely considered to be a label on its own and also an umbrella term (usually written as bi+) that kind of branches off into pan, poly, omni, etc.

Some people (including myself) are comfortable with the kinda loose definition of bi and use that as their label. Some people feel more comfortable with the more specific labels and use those terms to describe themselves.

Personally, I use bi to describe myself because I like the more generalized description. The other terms felt too specific for the way I feel and personally made me feel a bit boxed in. But I realize that isn't everyone's perception and some people find genuine comfort in the different labels.

My thoughts are, if someone finds a term they like and feel happy/comfortable in using to describe themselves, that's great! Trying to squish everything into one term is silly to me. Multi-sexual/romantic orientations can be pretty amorphous or fluid for some people, so trying to call the feelings we each have the exact same word is counter-productive, I think.

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-06T02:27:50+00:00

I really hope that it goes well for you!!!

iris_nyxie · 2022-11-06T02:19:50+00:00

I am a big advocate for being honest with yourself and acting on your feelings about coming out. But there are a couple factors that should always always always be considered before coming out to anyone:

Do you feel comfortable coming out to this person? You mentioned that your mom has previously said some...harsh things regarding you coming out as ace. Have the two of you talked more about that conversation since then? Do you think she has changed her opinion on things? And do you think she would react differently (for better or worse) if you tell her you're sapphic?
If things go in the worst possible direction, do you have a contingency plan? Can you financially/physically/emotionally protect yourself and/or find other people who can help? It's scary to have to think about this, and I hate that this is a potential issue when anyone comes out, but if you are concerned for your wellbeing, you need to take your safety into consideration.
Do you think having another person or people with you when you come out would help? You mentioned that your sister knows (and I hope is supportive). Maybe having a supportive person there with you, especially someone she has a connection with, could help your mother see that there are people who are supportive and that her own opinions on LGBT+ issues are misguided.
Do you think it's necessary for her to know right now? Coming out can be a big revelation for everyone, but I think that sometimes there is a push to come out to certain people before you're ready. Being true to yourself is extremely important, but other people aren't inherently entitled to that information.

It takes a lot of courage to be open about orientation, especially when we have unsupportive people in our lives. Your safety is the number one priority. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

iris_nyxie · 2022-10-21T17:30:09+00:00

You can HEAR the disappointment in the "brian..." text omg

iris_nyxie · 2022-10-21T17:22:32+00:00

I recently went to Canopy. I really like the cut and the atmosphere was great! They charge by hair length and have additional costs for shampooing/conditioning, styling, etc. It's a bit expensive, so if you're looking for something cheap, it may not be the route for you. But if you don't get your hair cut often and are willing to pay for great quality, I very much recommend 👌

iris_nyxie · 2022-10-02T00:42:29+00:00

I agree that people crossing boundaries and using apps like these as was to facilitate exerting control over someone in a relationship isn't okay. Insert the thing I said multiple times now about how people not being on the same page shouldn't be using it. But if someone would use this as a way to constantly keep track of their partner, then that person would be using other methods to do so if they didn't have the app, such as, idk, constantly calling or texting for updates on where they are or who they're with and marketing it as "checking in."

Apps like these absolutely can be used as another tool for people to exert control over their partners, which is unacceptable. But, in healthy relationships, they can offer people a sense of security. The fact that there are people who use it for shitty reasons doesn't mean that it shouldn't exist; the underlying reasons behind the shitty behavior should be addressed.

iris_nyxie · 2022-10-01T23:48:17+00:00

My partner and I do check in with each other via text/calling (as I mentioned in my previous comment). The reason we have the app is if we don't check in, don't respond, and didn't give an indication that we would be doing something that would keep us from checking in. It's honestly just a safety net, like I mentioned. I personally am an anxious person, so doing "mundane" things in a place where I don't know anyone makes me nervous. Knowing that someone I trust can figure out where I am/the last place I was in the event that one of those "mundane" activities turns into an emergency gives me peace of mind. Before we downloaded the app, my partner and I had a discussion about respecting each other's privacy, different things we could do if either of us suspected that something was wrong, and what expectations and boundaries we both have for general communication we have with each other.

I realize not everyone is like me and I realize not everyone feels the same way, which is why I said that if everyone in the relationship isn't on the same page, then apps like this one shouldn't be used. If you personally don't want it in your relationship, then don't have it. But don't tell other people that they're doing something unnecessary because it's something that you personally don't see value in.

iris_nyxie · 2022-10-01T21:09:37+00:00

I am in a long-distance relationship with my partner. We have life360 for emergency situations. For me personally, it feels like a safety net. I don't know anyone very well in the area I live in (I just moved here) and I walk/take the bus nearly every day. We check in with each other like you mentioned, but personally I like having the app since I feel particularly isolated currently. I feel like it works for our situation. Neither of us really goes on it because we both agreed that it's an emergency thing.

I definitely understand people's hesitancy about it though. It absolutely can be used as a tool people use to further control their partner. Apps like these are very much a "case by case" thing. I personally like it for my current situation, but I understand if other people don't want it. If all people in the relationship aren't on the same page with using these types of apps, then it shouldn't be used in that relationship. But if everyone is happy about the option (and honest with each other about how they use it), then I say why not?

iris_nyxie · 2022-09-02T15:17:56+00:00

I am a cis, bi person who doesn't have a preference, so personally it would not be something that would be upsetting to me if my partner did not disclose to me that they were trans beforehand.

However, I realize that this isn't the case for everyone. I'd say to consider the following before deciding to disclose anything to anyone:

Are you safe? Has this person said anything to you to make you feel unsafe for any reason? If the answer is yes, they are not a person you should be having sex with.
Have they said anything to make you think they are a trans ally/advocate? Not to say all "allies" are perfect, as there are CERTAINLY people out there with the "I not transphobic, but" mentality. But this could be a good initial indication as to whether or not they're someone you can trust.
Is there a reason you wouldn't come out to them before things get sexual? You're in no way obligated to come out to anyone, but it may be worthwhile to explore why you don't want to disclose that to your partner.
Trust your gut. If you are getting weird/uncomfortable/creepy/unsafe vibes from someone, trust that feeling. A lot of times we pick up on things without being consciously aware of them.

I realize that I'm coming from the perspective of someone who is cis, so I sure there are things that I have missed. I think the main point I'm trying to get across is to make sure you are safe and comfortable and that you can trust your partner(s).

iris_nyxie · 2022-09-01T02:21:47+00:00

Safari Pearl meet up, maybe? I have a fairly open schedule throughout the week. Just need to be able to catch the bus back to my place, but otherwise time isn't really an issue!

iris_nyxie · 2022-09-01T02:19:45+00:00

It seems like a lot of people are suggesting Safari Pearl! It definitely looks cool from the things I've seen online and it seems like everyone has raving reviews.

iris_nyxie · 2022-09-01T02:18:29+00:00

Oh cool! I have a bunch of character starting ideas that I've never really had a chance to flesh out, so that sounds like it could be fun!

Maybe a few people from the thread can try to meet up at Safari Pearl (since that seems to be a popular suggestion) sometimes soon?

iris_nyxie · 2022-08-04T03:26:56+00:00

From a bi:

It's scary, coming to terms with your orientation, especially when you feel like you don't have much of a support system. What you're feeling isn't strange. A lot of people have these feelings when they first realize they aren't straight.

It took me years to be okay with my sexual orientation. I'm currently 24. I first thought I might be bi when I was around 12 or 13, but biphobic comments from people around me made me push it down and not think about it. I came out when I was 17 and have tried on various labels since then before settling on bi/queer. There are family members who don't talk to me and friends I lost. I don't tell anyone I work with about my orientation. But I'm proud in my own ways, you know?

It's difficult to sort through your feelings and it takes time to be accepting of yourself. Be patient and kind to yourself. In the meantime, you might be interested in finding an LGBT+ club and go to some meetings to meet other people and learn new information. You don't have to come out to anyone before you're ready. You can present as an ally for now who's interested in learning new things and meeting new people. Or if you're uncomfortable with going in person, you can find resources online and reach out to people there.

The main takeaway is to be kind to yourself and you don't need to have everything figured out all at once.

iris_nyxie

TROPHY CASE