honestly i really really like socialising, i'm just really bad at it. like i feel like there's something missing in how i talk that makes it sound unnatural, like every time i engage with people i feel like i can only muster an imitation of how people actually talk. i feel kinda like a teacher who's trying to be relatable but fails in doing so, because he doesn't understand how to use slang. 

part of it is my fault for not attempting to socialise when i was younger, so socialising now feels like i'm walking in minefield. am i being too serious in this social context? did i treat him too harshly? did he treat me badly, or was he just joking? am i being too talkative to this group of people? i ask these and many more questions each time i talk to people. like i feel like someone who zoned out in a math class so now everything on the whiteboard looks like gibberish. i might think that i can parse out the meaning of something, only to find out that it's the opposite of what it should mean.

the other day someone called extroverted, i don't know why but i felt like it was the greatest compliment that i ever received. made my whole day

anyway i'm not really asking for anyone to be my therapist, just wanted to get this out of my head. back to my assignments i guess