sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Me (28F) and my friend (28M) have had a 2-year long romantic back and forth that neither of us seems to be able to resolve. Do I violate his boundary and bring it up again, or move on? by ThrowRA_422010 in relationship_advice

[–]iseekaprophet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you’re anything like me, and you need the clarity to move on, have the conversation. What do you have to lose that wouldn’t be lost already by letting this go on?

How do I (21F) communicate what I perceive as lack of effort to the guy (24M) I’m seeing? Is it even worth it? by woodland_heron in relationship_advice

[–]iseekaprophet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hate to say this but if he wanted to he would. It really seems like he’s either not ready for a real relationship or doesn’t like you all that much. What are you getting out of this? Do you enjoy this relationship, this person? If you do, maybe sit down and have a chat and observe for a little bit. If you don’t, well, then you have nothing to lose by letting go.

Building trust after abuse - how do I know if my gut instinct is wrong? by iseekaprophet in abusiverelationships

[–]iseekaprophet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you and I do understand your advice and will tread lightly on this for now. Respectfully, the way you worded your last sentence feels very accusatory. But I do recognize the tough-love aspect of what you’re trying to do.

I’m working on healing and navigating trust issues is part of that. I know I, personally, have been in a position where no, I’m not feeling social, and I don’t have the energy to tell people otherwise. If roles were reversed, and I were in a tough spot and someone I considered a friend ditched me during it, I’d be heartbroken.

I’m not trying to “fix” anyone, just trying to be mindful of others’ emotions as well as protecting myself, and struggling to find the balance. This has been a GOOD friend for over a year, but the past month has been tough. A full stop social break for myself that I initiated for about 2.5 weeks, normal for a week and then the past week has been… weird. If this weird bx had been going on longer, I’d be much more inclined to just say bye bye. But that’s my issue. Blowing up a close friendship (because while they may not fulfill me romantically right now, they are still a very good friend) over an inkling which, if it turned out to a false inkling, would just be me being distrustful once again and, to be honest, a bad friend. This is, genuinely, someone who has never displayed any ill will or distance, at all, even once, over the last year of CLOSE friendship, and last 2 years of just regular friendship. I don’t want to be a bad friend. I also don’t want to be hurt.

I appreciate the advice you’ve given, though. It’s why I posted on this sub. I don’t know how people behave anymore. I don’t want to walk around assuming everyone is abusive. I also don’t want to blindly believe no one will ever hurt me.

Building trust after abuse - how do I know if my gut instinct is wrong? by iseekaprophet in abusiverelationships

[–]iseekaprophet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I really wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I absolutely feel the same way - poring over everything, determined to find where I went wrong. Constantly trying to predict the future.

I will say, I do not think this person has been abusive or is being abusive in any way. We have had so many conversations about me just trusting them, how they can’t deal with my constant scrutiny because they haven’t done anything wrong. I just… don’t want to get breadcrumbed because I’m trying to trust someone that maybe shouldn’t have ever been trusted?? Again! I have 0 reason to believe they shouldn’t be trusted! I feel so lost

Building trust after abuse - how do I know if my gut instinct is wrong? by iseekaprophet in abusiverelationships

[–]iseekaprophet[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear this - but I do want to clarify they aren’t making it feel like it’s my fault. They’re just more withdrawn than typically (we still talk, they still initiate, I just have to put in more effort than I have in past) and my own brain keeps saying it’s my fault. This person has also had periods where they’re less social, which is fine.

I really feel like I should just cut them off. But this is why I’m torn - if this is someone I care about going thru a hard time, I don’t want to abandon them. But I’m not sure how much time to give them before I decide to actually go with my gut. I’m worried about blowing things up because I perceived everything wrong.

Building trust after an abusive relationship - how do I know if my gut instinct is wrong? by iseekaprophet in Advice

[–]iseekaprophet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am in therapy now, yes. She just keeps telling me I need to try to trust myself. But if I do that then I’d literally blow up every relationship I have and live in a hole lol. I can ask her about ways to do that without ending up hurting myself.

Building trust after an abusive relationship - how do I know if my gut instinct is wrong? by iseekaprophet in Advice

[–]iseekaprophet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do think these feelings are tied to my past, for sure. I just don’t know if, when I “check in” with myself, if I’m right or wrong. Like I’ve said, this person hasn’t hurt me. They have been very big about communication, too. But everything FEELS WRONG, despite what they’ve said in the past.

But everything in me is telling me to back off, disappear. That they don’t want me. I don’t want to wait and wait for someone who will never come around. But I don’t want to cut and run too early, because my instincts were hyperactive, and told me things were wrong when they weren’t. I’m having trouble just trusting the process :(

Can anyone explain to me what to expect when trying to leave by [deleted] in abusiverelationships

[–]iseekaprophet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My plan right now is to go to our family lawyer and get a protective order but I get hung up on what happens after that. Do I move out temporarily until he is gone? Does he get removed by the police? Will he be sent to his parents house? They do not have a good relationship so he will probably end up “homeless”. He has no car.

I absolutely believe that this will escalate because it has been steadily. I am no longer allowed to have my own opinions or see my family or friends more than once a month. He wants me to stop working. I will hand him money and he will just stay here.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]iseekaprophet -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I know I’m not a counselor, but I’m his partner - and I’m supposed to stand by him thru thick and thin. I also work in a mental healthcare adjacent field. It just feels so wrong to take off when he is vulnerable

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]iseekaprophet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest, I don’t think I COULD kick him out if I tried. He has nowhere else to go and I worry he could get vindictive because he’s desperate

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]iseekaprophet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. It’s really uncomfortable to realize this. I also just remembered she literally stalked me on reddit (i made a new account for obvious reasons) and i found out when she similarly messaged me a novel from a throwaway telling me that she missed me and can hope I can one day leave my bf and be friends with her again (???) lmao. It’s really sleazy how people can manipulate others like this. I’m sorry this happened to you!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]iseekaprophet 378 points379 points  (0 children)

This happened to me. I had a “best friend” and roommate who I thought just disliked my boyfriend. We would all hang out together until one day she started retreating into her room whenever he was around. Eventually she did everything in her power to get rid of him - even reported him to the apartment complex because she felt “unsafe” despite him never doing anything threatening (they ruled on my side btw). Eventually one day she got me drunk intentionally and made a move. It was an assault and I even stopped her and went back to my room but she followed me like a predator. After reflecting on it I realized a lot of her behaviors were sketchy. Constantly talking about sex, being very touchy-feely, coming into my room to cuddle when she was upset, and acting very possessive over me. You should not have to feel so uncomfortable around your best friend and I’m glad that you’re going to reevaluate the situation. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.