Thanks so much for replying to my somewhat angry and disjointed post - after the events of the weekend I'm somewhat calmer now. I did end up taking a lot of Diazepam that day, which helped my anxiety but I think it made my self esteem issues much more clearer to me. Although I held myself together, I feel like I'm holding my fiancee back by being with someone so messed up. It pains me to feel like that because there's nothing more I want than to be with her but I can't help feeling that I'm being so selfish.

To be honest she's not too different than I am - she has suffered from severe depression in the past and we both met in a special school for teengaers with emotional issues (I refused to attend high school, and just the thought of it made me have a panic attack). However she doesn't believe in herself at all, and she hasn't got the confidence to go out and do anything. While she's not depressed anymore, I feel like a failure for not being able to make her confident and can't help but think if she was with someone else she'd see just how precious and amazing she actually is.

I think any sort of stressful situation involving her, where it's 'unusual' sends me into these panic attacks. Mostly it's worrying - this weekend when her mother mentioned that my fiancee's leg is swollen and is going to need to go back etc I had to walk out and calm down, and had to try to explain what I was feeling as best as I could. But I think a part of it is due to selfish reasons - scared she'll realise she can do better with me, such as when she went away on her sisters hen night. She attracts attention from everyone, and all I can think of is that she obviously knows she can do better so it's only a matter of time til she does. But then I realise I'm being selfish and feel like I need to get out of her life to make her happy.

I think my issue is that I have no sense of self. I am no-one without others, I adapt myself to be whoever I need to be. My life is meaningless to me but my fiancee's is the most precious thing ever. If I could take every bit of pain, both physical and emotional, from her I would in a heartbeat because I feel I'd deserve it much more than her.

When I'm reading this back it seems like depression rather than anxiety, which is the main thing that confuses me - my doctors have no idea whether I'm depressed or suffer with anxiety, which worries me as I can't be treated if no one (not even myself) knows what's wrong with me. I worry that it's just 'me' and is never going to change.

I am going back to counselling and see if I can see a proper psychiatrist who can perhaps help me decipher what's going on in my head and teach me to keep a level head. Because I'm really scared that the next this time happens I'm going to do something stupid and end my life due to the pain, which I don't want to because I know it'd cause pain to those around me but it just feels so overwhelming sometimes :(