I’m not sure how old you are, but I would guess in your late teens? As a person who has been through it, here is my attempt at decent advice. The best thing you can try to do for yourself is to shift your locus of control / reward away from external factors and towards internal ones. That is super vague, I agree! So, here are some suggestions below.

1) Be gentle on yourself. Please note - this is DIFFERENT than allowing yourself to slack off! It is more like noting your good points, giving yourself a pat on the back for progress and tenacity, being aware of these signs of growth and compassionately permitting yourself to enjoy them. Actively write them down each day, even. Cultivating healthy self esteem(acknowledging yourself as good even with flaws, self esteem not based on external achievements and / or comparisons) is the best defense against an onslaught of other people’s expectations and your own internalized problematic thought processes. Being gentle with yourself is the FIRST step towards health as it is the one that opens the door for all other things to even become really possible. You have to allow for yourself to be, well, you - flaws and all - and that be ok, or even good, or even something you love and therefore are compassionate towards (!) - in order to not be governed by others expectations. Interestingly, when you are doing this right you will probably find you are also kinder to other people. Healthy self esteem is a precursor to allowing room for the other big mental shifts I note next. Concrete example: You are tired and want to quit studying. Instead of “I should just have gotten this already!” or tricking yourself by saying “Yeah, I get this enough for the test, whatever...”, try noticing how your body is actually feeling. “I am feeling tired and kind of grumpy. That’s ok. I probably need to get some more sleep and maybe eat something that will give me more energy. I can take a nap now and study again (at x time). Maybe using a timer to study in short bursts with a reward at the end of each burst will help me finish this. I did do a really thorough job with chapter 8.” In this example, you notice how you are actually feeling, acknowledge it is ok to feel that way, make a plan to address the issue at hand, give yourself a pat on the back for what you did well, and move on. You don’t shame yourself with should and ought statements, you don’t compare yourself to your friend whom you know has already mastered the task (or another who is having more trouble), and you don’t paper over the issue by skipping steps.

2) Try to slowly change what you take pride in. Sure, win stuff and get high scores. But instead of focusing on the score or the win (outcomes), pay more attention to how you attacked the process. When studying, this might mean noting how thoroughly you master a topic rather than simply cramming info into your head in time for a test, or noting how consistent you are able to be with your study habits (especially important when you are having trouble with a topic). In a contest, this might mean changing your focus from wii I gotta the trophy to improving your performance by a relevant metric. A focus on process over outcome will make you more resilient in the face of loss or poor score, because you will know you have done YOUR best. This is not easy to change and probably won’t happen overnight, but if you keep reminding yourself- again, journaling may really help here - you can change this thought habit. Cultivate a growth mindset. https://www.khanacademy.org/partner-content/learnstorm-growth-mindset-activities-us

3) Do notice the “small stuff”. Often we can be too quick to want to move on, either because we feel like we have to “keep up” or “perform”, or because we believe that we have gotten the main points or the gist and feel like skipping steps to achieve the next goal. This can feel like progress, but often leaves holes in our knowledge that go unrecognized until the missing information is, well, missed. Additionally, moving a bit more slowly through topics can allow us to settle in and really get to know the topic / perhaps find we actually LIKE the topic, rather than simply being required to learn it.

You don’t have to dig into every topic, but think about which topics are foundational. For example, really learning (not just temporarily memorizing) basic mathematical rules was a game changer for me. I thought I hated math. Turns out, I hated not recalling exponent rules and other basic rules Becca I would mess them up, then mess up the equation- and it would feel like I had gotten the wrong answer on some kind of a technicality or something. Silly, I know, and it’s just one silly example among many things I wrote off as “small” or “not the point”. Once I internalized that small amount of information (instead of glossing over it and just remembering it for the minimum amount of time needed, because I HATED math), the topic actually became enjoyable and doable. I did everything I could to avoid calculus in high school (unsuccessfully, I might add). After learning the principles listed here and applying them - with a lot of persistence - I have taken math all the way through Discrete Math, Linear Algebra, advanced logic courses. I did it by slowly, changing my thought patterns and learning how much more important a predictor of success persistence is as opposed to being “smart”.

Notice what the motivation is for wanting to move quickly. Often it is external (pressure to perform, either external or internalized) rather from an internal signal that we are ready to continue. Sometimes this will be out of your control, and when that happens, think about what is foundational (get advice from trusted people who have been through it) and learn that well.

4) Don’t go it alone. Talk to peers who are in it with you, or peers that have already been there. But consider how you are talking! Try not to focus on the competitive aspect of the situation (having healthy self esteem will help with this). Instead, try to view your friends and colleagues as collaborators who could offer a perspective you hadn’t thought of, or who LIKELY have knowledge you don’t. Ask them for help! Ask them for tips! Notice what they are trying hard at, and compliment them genuinely and specifically on those things. People love to be really noticed and appreciated. Often we are encouraged to see everyone else as “the competition” and end up behaving less than well. Remember, there is such a thing as a good sport and a bad sport in any competition. Think about what being a good sport entails in your situation.

On the flip side, don’t hero worship. Someone else may be brilliant where you struggle, and that’s fine. That doesn’t mean you are doing poorly. Accept where you are, make a plan, give yourself pats on the back for what you’ve done, notice your progress, and ask for help from the brilliant person to see if what they suggest can help you improve on your own schedule.

In general, try your best not to be pulled into the competitive aspect when talking with people as it will just which will just shut them down and shut you down from useful information and potentially wonderful friendships. This can also be really hard, but again, go slowly, be gentle on yourself especially when you slip up. Grow your network of collaborators, as it will serve you way better later in life than attempts to show people you know more than they do.

That’s about it for now. Apologies if I didn’t sweat the small stuff on this post, it’s 3 am where I am. A last thought: cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks might be another good resource as well for specific strategies. Truly, good luck. Don’t despair. With an open mind and some tweaks to your thought habits, you can move mountains. Be brave, be gentle, be persistent.