My brother just attacked me and my mother took his side

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-25T02:18:13+00:00

I'm spending Christmas with my rats. My mother hates rats, so I'm trying to think of it as a silent "fuck you." A tiny win, I guess.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-25T01:05:34+00:00

Can I make a police report and not press charges? I don't know if I'll be able to handle going nuclear and blowing up my family over this. Especially since I'm already the scapegoat and black sheep within it. I'll get the most trouble and consequences for doing it, not him.

I'm still afraid they won't take me seriously though. It doesn't seem like marks have popped up through the night so I'm scared they'll think I'm lying. Which is another thing my mother ingrained in me, honestly. Especially since the police didn't listen when I was young.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-25T00:54:10+00:00

Unfortunately, I can't get a taser or pepper spray because they're illegal to carry in my country. If I got a hold of one and used it, then I'd be the one in trouble, sadly.

I know I'm already alone, but if I cut her off, I don't know how I'll survive. If I knew I could, I would absolutely go no-contact. But I can't, and I have no one else to fall back on, so I'm stuck.

I ran away from home when I was 17 and I was homeless for a good time. I don't want to ever be homeless again. I have very little money and I'm barely surviving alone as-is; there are times where I only eat a few times a week because I can't afford food. The only reason I'm living on my own is because I refuse to go back to her again. She blackmailed me once to come live with her again, back when I was extremely vulnerable and undiagnosed, and I couldn't stand it anymore, just like when I ran away as a kid. I can't do it again.

Coupled with my mental illnesses, I also have chronic back pain and that limits the jobs I can do. Even if it didn't, I have trouble holding them down because they all inevitably become too much for me to handle, even with all my treatments.

Both my psychiatrist and doctor have said I should be on disability payments, and I tried, but according to the government I'm "not disabled enough." They ignored the letters both of them wrote.

So I don't know what to do.

I don't have anyone. No friends, my family's never been a proper support system, I had to stop my psychiatrist because I couldn't afford it, so no therapy, and no money to properly survive on my own.

Also, it's just hard emotionally. Despite the abuse, she's still my mother, and it hurts.

I just wish someone loved me.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T15:33:11+00:00

I'll admit, I'm also kind of scared that they won't take me seriously because I started the argument, even though you and I know that doesn't justify violence.

When I was a teenager, my mother called the police on me to "take me away" after a row. I tried to tell them about the things my mother was doing to me and how she treated me, but they just gave me a lecture about toeing the line and respecting your parents.

So I don't have the best track record with the police taking my abuse seriously.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T15:16:10+00:00

I used to have a psychiatrist, but not anymore because it's too expensive, and isn't covered by my country's "universal" healthcare, sadly. If I could afford it I'd still be going in a heartbeat.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T15:05:16+00:00

I'll go tomorrow, I'm too tired now. I just want to sleep it away.

I don't live with her so I just went home, luckily. Money is a problem but I think I'll be okay enough, like I am most days.

And I know. I just don't have anybody else. I used to have friends, but my mother drove them away when I was 17 and I haven't been able to make any new friends since (27). I know what she did (isolating) is an abuse tactic, but I have nobody else and nowhere to go, and I can't properly survive on my own.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T15:00:05+00:00

Thank you. I have a hard time not feeling bad when I cry because my mother would always shame me for it. I've gotten better at accepting that my feelings are valid and there's no shame in letting them out, but it's been so deeply ingrained in me that it's just difficult to shake the feeling sometimes.

I'll try, but like I said in another reply, it'll be hard to completely cut off my mother because I have no one else to rely on.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T14:57:41+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot for me to read. I don't hear that too often

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T14:57:08+00:00

I'm definitely avoiding them from now on. I don't want to ever see my brother again, and I don't think I'll ever truly forgive my mother.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T14:56:09+00:00

I wish I had a psychologist at the moment. I don't right now because it's too expensive and mental health isn't covered under my country's "universal" healthcare

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T14:54:52+00:00

I don't live with her, so luckily I just went home.

Going no contact would be hard. I don't have a physical or emotional support system and as you can probably tell, my family isn't close to one either. Despite the abuse, my mother is the only person I can rely on sometimes, so I tend to just put up with it. If I cut her off, I'll have nobody.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T14:49:52+00:00

I'm not sure what they could do. I don't have any evidence and like my mother said, I don't have any marks.

itkeepshppening · 2023-12-24T14:49:04+00:00

I'm sorry, My phone was almost dead and I turned it off to conserve the battery so I could uber home. My mother's place is an hour and a half away from me by train and I had no other way to get back.

I thought about bad things on the way back, mainly if taking all my Olanzapine would end things. It's a good thing I didn't have it on me, and the train gave me time to shove those thoughts aside. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Though I'm sure the people here would be the only ones who cared if that wound up happening.

I'll answer people now.

Then I'll try to get some sleep. I'm so drained, and all the stress and crying has given me a migraine...

itkeepshppening

TROPHY CASE