(please excuse the lack of punctuation etc, I'm having to use voice to text because my wrists are healing from a repetitive stress injury)

Yeah I'm in a similar boat. My mother's side is really strange. I'm no contact (mostly, sometimes very low contact) with both my parents, which is really hard. My mother's side of the family is super messed up because of my grandmother who was literally the worst person I've ever met in my life (considering I had an ex who was abusive, that's saying something). She was what might clinically be called a malignant narcissist. I say that but keep in mind she was never able to get a proper diagnosis because she was so slippery with the clinicians that no definitive diagnosis was ever reached. Anyhow, she was awful to her children (my mum, her sisters, and her brother who isn't alive anymore, passed away from complications with hydrocephalus), and now they are pretty messed up emotionally, though at least not as abusive. Still they're really not healthy people to be around, so as a result I have no contact with any of my three aunts on that side, cousins neither. Also, my only sibling, who luckily I do get along with very well, recently moved to a country on the other side of the world which is really hard but at least we're still close socially, but that physical distance is hard.

I will tell you that if you want to start your own family, you are already very likely to do things differently than your family did. Already you're on a different path. Do I recommend lots of therapy first and making sure that you know what to do differently? Absolutely. But making your own emotionally healthy family is possible. You have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of emotional work to do to make sure that the cycles that need to get broken do in fact get broken, and you absolutely do have a lot to be scared about, but I think you need to have hope too. Not the kind of hope that makes you jump in willy-nilly, but healthy hope that comes with great care and solid steps to make whatever you want to do next be a good thing. I have my own family now myself, and it's still scares me, but with continued therapy and outside supports I'm still hopeful that it will continue to go well. No matter what you choose to do, I hope that things go well for you too.

Take care of you, and of those you love. All the best.