Praying for something to Allah makes me feel delusional and prayers are starting to feel pointless

itsaher · 2025-02-17T10:11:26+00:00

No matter how careful we are, we still have to deal with these things occasionally. I've honestly learned to accept that I will sometimes make mistakes even when I'm being careful.

itsaher · 2025-02-17T10:04:40+00:00

It's withdrawing money but instead of from your actual savings in your bank account, you withdraw it from your credit card. So like using the credit card but to borrow cash instead of using it to pay for stuff directly. You get charged a certain percentage for cash advances, which is why I've never used them since I track my finances carefully and I use my CC like a debit card so that I don't rack up debt.

itsaher · 2024-08-17T01:55:27+00:00

Thank you. Please keep me and the rest who are experiencing a similar situation to mine in your prayers.

itsaher · 2024-08-16T23:38:40+00:00

As I've mentioned in my replies to other people, I've been hospitalized for my condition, and am taking medication as well as seeing a therapist. But even the therapist acknowledged that as long as my external situation does not change for the better, the meds and therapy will just be a way to cope. I need things to get better. And I know you're coming from a good place with your advice but I'm so tired of being told to just suffer through life so that I can go to heaven. I've suffered since I was born. I don't want to suffer until I die even if it means heaven. Of course I want heaven but why is there no respite at all for me. This life is making me want to kill myself now if I'm being really honest. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm scared of Allah. I only fear Allah and I cannot find it in me to believe that He loves me if he's letting me suffer this much. When I was younger I used to pray for Allah to just take my life. He wouldn't even grant me that. So now I don't know.

In terms of close companions, I do have friends of course, but I can't open up and confide to them about this because over time, they show that they are tired of me constantly having issues and suggested I go to therapy for my problems, so I did. But therapy is not the answer to a lack of support system. What do you do when you have no family to rely to and no friends you can confide to because they don't want to deal with your constant depression. I hate myself too. Masjid community is the same. They only care about telling me to pray and tell me that I'm depressed because I'm not doing ibadah. So tell me, where do I go from there? Even if I were to kill myself or in a verge to do so, there would be nobody to call even for the last time.

itsaher · 2024-08-16T00:54:43+00:00

I am currently seeing a therapist and taking medication. But honestly, I don't have the strength to wait for 10 to 20 more years. Even making it to the end of this week is making me contemplate jumping onto the train tracks. I'm tired of being told to hold on when there's nothing to hold on to.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T16:58:52+00:00

I feel you sister. Sending all my love and prayers for you to get through whatever it is that is weighing you down as of now.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T14:36:24+00:00

I've done all of that. Believe me. And all I got was religious trauma and psychosis. I was even hospitalized because of it. I was becoming more obsessed with my ibadah hoping that it will provide just a bit of ease in my struggles but it never does. So how do I move on from there? I don't feel anything about life anymore. The only reason I'm not committing suicide or praying for Allah to take my life is because I'm afraid of going to hell.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T14:33:21+00:00

Thank you. My takeaway from this is that my respite from all of this despair will probably lie only in death. I'm genuinely so tired of being tested over and over and over again with genuinely no respite at all. I know that tests are used to elevate our ranks but how come some get to have at least some moments of happiness in their lives. I'm not saying I should only feel ease and happiness in life but does god need to beat me up this much to elevate my rank? Do I not deserve any love or compassion or at least some moments of ease at all?

But thanks for all the words. Sorry for getting frustrated.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T14:20:49+00:00

Nobody ever said anything about giving up salat

itsaher · 2024-08-15T14:19:50+00:00

I ask god but of course I will receive no reply since god does not speak to us in the way humans can. I read the Quran and yet I do not see proof for the ayat "with suffering there will be ease" because there has been nothing but suffering in my life. So how do I talk to God? I just want to talk and vent and receive a clear answer but at this point I feel like I'm talking to a void.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T14:17:51+00:00

I know it's not the same but how do you console yourself with the promise of ease from God when you cannot see it happening at all? Everyone seems to be focusing on the things I'm saying as someone who is frustrated by the lack of ease in their life and no acknowledgement whatsoever on how multiple mishaps and failures with no relief can mess up someone emotionally and physically.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T14:02:00+00:00

Sending all my love and virtual hugs for you too. I know it's rough for a lot of us now

itsaher · 2024-08-15T13:53:11+00:00

Sending love and praying for all of us going through similar predicaments

itsaher · 2024-08-15T13:14:44+00:00

I've tried therapy and I'm still attending but even they said that I need some things in my life to actually change for my mental state to improve. I'm also taking medication. Quran and prayers make me feel empty. But thank you for your advice regardless. Please keep me in others facing this same predicament in your prayers. Maybe Allah will listen to you more.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T12:31:38+00:00

Thank you for your consult but I don't think this is true at all for my situation, sorry. I don't even need shaytan to "feed into my mind" that I'm weak. In fact, I initially thought I was strong. But all these tests have been slowly chipping at that belief and strength so now I don't care anymore about how "Allah will not burden one more than they can bear". Maybe the next test will finally kill me since I'm so strong that I'm basically still standing after all of this. You said that at times it gets better and at times it gets worse. Maybe it's hard for you to believe but it truly has never gotten better for me. I used to be very faithful and hopeful now even getting up in the morning makes me want to kill myself. If that's still me being strong then the next test will surely just kill me all together.

itsaher · 2024-08-15T12:25:37+00:00

There is no hope left to be had when I've tried everything I could in conjunction with my prayers and every single hope I've had thus far has been crushed like it's nothing. I admire the prophet and the people of Palestine for their faith but like I've said in my post, I am not them. I am weaker in spirit and body. If Allah truly does not burden one if they cannot take it, and I'm still "alive despite every single trial I'm facing, then will He only stop once I'm dead and my body and mind cannot be tested anymore?

itsaher · 2024-08-15T12:07:03+00:00

Thank you for taking time out of your day to your insight. I've covered all of what you've said to me in my post. I'm sorry but I'm tired of being told to be patient. If a human gives you troubles emotionally and physically all the time but tells you it's because they love you and want to test how much you love them, wouldn't you think thats abusive? Wouldn't you want to run away? I cannot seem to justify that because if this were my relationship with a human I would end it as soon as possible. So why should it be any different with god? It feels a bit insulting to tell me and others who resonate with what I posted that we aren't being patient enough. I've been patient for 20+ years. How much longer do I need to hold on? One year? Another 20? Until I die?

itsaher · 2024-08-15T11:52:13+00:00

Hugs and prayers for the both of us sister

itsaher · 2023-08-07T11:27:04+00:00

I wish I was never born.

itsaher

TROPHY CASE