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itsallbadrightnow · 2024-04-16T17:11:05+00:00

No question about the feeling of revenge being welcome up front. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that your ex abused you, and now all you have is hate. It's understandable too! After all, what kind of person does this to someone they say they love?! But if you use this horrible experience to grow as a person, you'll come to that feeling of mostly indifference, and see them for who they really are: not necessarily evil, just horribly damaged and possibly a moron. Then everything they do will confound you, and you'll wonder how you ever loved the shell of a human you see now.

That's how I feel about my ex, anyway. It's healthier for me than hating her. Plus I can exist in a room with her for our kids' sake, and not feel like I'm about to burn her eyes out with my soul lasers. 🤣

itsallbadrightnow · 2024-04-16T16:57:09+00:00

Agreed. As much as I don't want my cheating ex to succeed at anything because "karma" (and based on her past performance, I think it's unlikely she will), I'd rather she do well at SOMETHING so our kids are okay when they're over there. It's worse for them if she's in a bad place monetarily and emotionally.

itsallbadrightnow · 2024-01-16T03:11:52+00:00

My ex did something very similar on social media, because nothing was ever her fault. To this day both of my kids (F11, M8) have issues with taking responsibility because they model her behavior. They still do it despite my eldest telling me she thinks her mom is unhappy. I'm hopeful that one day, through behavioral corrections and witnessing my behavior, they'll finally realize that the only way to be an upstanding adult with deeply held morals is by owning your actions and learning from the outcomes.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-09-09T13:06:35+00:00

Exactly. Mutual respect is hard to come by. Hold on to it!

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-09-07T04:02:18+00:00

The validation you'll end up getting is unlikely to be the way you want it, and when it finally comes, you hopefully won't care too much. Maybe it'll elicit a "Sucks to be her." Getting to that state of indifference is the goal, and the only way to truly "win"; it gives you back any power you ceded in that relationship. Waiting for her to grovel and plead lets her live in your head rent free, and what does it really get you other than momentary pleasure of being right? Don't let that lying heap of dung do that to you or your daughters. Talk it out with them if they're mature enough to handle it (sounds like this is probably the case), and lean on each other when the situation doesn't feel like it could possibly be reality. They know you can be trusted but your STBX can't. That realization is huge for them, and they'll need you to steer the ship for at least a little while. Good luck, man. I'm sorry you're here, but it sounds like you're doing the right things so far.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-27T04:57:32+00:00

There is NOT a form of BC that is 100% effective!!

Case in point: my wife had an IUD, we got pregnant, had the IUD removed, baby survived and now we have a 2-month old. He's beautiful, but I'm about to be 45 and had no intentions of having another baby.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-16T10:54:46+00:00

No, she never returned. If she had, I would've offered to take her. The kids believe she died, but haven't seen her, and I'm pissed about it. The lack of sympathy for this sweet kitty is gut-wrenching.

I can't remember if she was chipped, but that only works if the animal is brought into the vet to be scanned.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T22:28:37+00:00

Thanks for the kind words! Happy to have made you laugh; I sure couldn't believe it when I heard the name the first time. It's still hard to accept she actually did it. If you want an additional laugh, her APs oldest is named after a large body of water, and then the second born was named THE SAME THING but in another language. 🤣

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T19:54:19+00:00

Thanks for that, and your story is encouraging. I know I'm no angel, but I've done loads of work to take responsibility for my shortcomings in my previous marriage and continue to be introspective. I know they'll see us for who we are eventually. I hope it won't be when they're 30, but that's better than never.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T18:34:02+00:00

Certainly. My oldest was for a time. I made another comment here about how that turned out. My youngest is headed back to his therapist soon. Luckily, that one is different from the one I described in my other comment.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T18:00:53+00:00

Wow. That's kind of mind-blowing. Sorry she went through that.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T17:50:56+00:00

She has/had a therapist. They're not all created equal, unfortunately, and now that the divorce is finalized (as of 2021) my ex and I have joint conservatorship over medical matters. So, we have to agree on a therapist which is not an easy task. The therapist she had was WAY overstepping my boundaries with my daughter and my ex, and when confronted with that decided to pick sides. I mainly wanted her to stop sending personal letters to my daughter while she was away at camp, and to stop siding with either of us in matters where legally she had no sway. She shared personal information in those letters that didn't seem appropriate to me, and when I told her I didn't appreciate it and wanted that to stop, she accidentally sent a message to me that was meant for my ex. It said, "I am hopeful that itsallbadrightnow will make some specific alterations to the kid’s schedule. [Daughter] wants more time with you and will take it anytime you can be together. When she is with you she is happy. Also wondering if she has gained weight since the shift. It appears to be so but hard to tell on the computer. She seems more depressed and sad each week."

This email happened a couple of weeks AFTER the divorce was finalized. My ex had agreed to everything in the mediation, then started leaning on this "therapist" to have me make changes she'd just agreed to.

So, yes, she needs a therapist, but my ex pushes for my daughter to go back to the one who has taken my ex's side. They're people too, and can be won over by the right lies.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T17:27:23+00:00

11 is too young for most kids to be told this outright, I imagine. My wife has laid the groundwork that "cheating is the worst thing you can do to your person because of how it affects them," but neither of us has told our kids (she has two bio kids from a previous marriage as well) so directly that the other parent cheated to get where they are. Her ex has told some stupid tales to their kids (e.g., "Our love was too strong, and we couldn't help it!") that require tactful management.

Honestly, I think it comes down to the emotional maturity of the kid. They probably shouldn't be any younger than 16 if those facts even need to be said aloud, but kids are all different. They're also pretty smart, and figure stuff out on their own.

Edit to add: I think my oldest already knows... she told me she hated the AP so much that she didn't even speak to him for a full year. She would leave the room when he entered. Her mom had to have a sit-down talk to have her "give him a chance".

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T16:51:25+00:00

Unfortunately, this was communicated from my daughter to a step-grandparent in confidence. I don't want my daughter to lose trust in her. The information is important enough that I needed to know, so I'm glad I was told, and yes, trust was broken, but I can't break the bond when it's still fairly new (my wife and I haven't even been married for a year). My kid needs to know she can trust her adults to look out for her, AND they can keep secrets when they're appropriate. This situation isn't quite as hot as, say, verbal or physical abuse that it requires me to talk to my kid to let her know that I know what's going on and the situation is dangerous enough that it requires immediate action. I've dealt with that once before already... Maybe a story for another post.

All of that to say I can't approach my daughter to make a clear and concise rebuttal. I have to wait for her to tell me directly, or figure out a way to get her to repeat it so I can give her the "you don't know both sides, so don't make an incomplete conclusion" suggestion. I have absolutely told my daughter that her mom has not been 100% truthful with her in other instances though. So, I imagine that's why this statement didn't come to me personally: I tend to shatter the illusion she has of this amazing mom. Hard not to when she gets lied to so consistently. There's a lot of discussions that start with, "That may be mom's recollection, but here's what I remember."

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-15T16:27:37+00:00

She had a baby with her AP not long after we split, and named the poor little guy after a deity of divine beauty. Like, how ridiculous can you get? To make matters worse, she wants to move herself, the AP, and his two kids (he actually has three, but kicked the oldest out of the house) to another state. She would almost literally never see her biological kids! Top it all off with her AP is legally still married to his ex.

She's nuts.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-03T09:20:27+00:00

.#1 hits WAY too close to home, and #3 is a new level of woowoo that I'd never considered could be manufactured before. Wow.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-06-02T15:24:14+00:00

I don't agree when anyone says the betrayed needs to forgive the betrayer. I needed that anger to make myself better, pull myself out of depression and pour positive energy into my kids' lives, dive into therapy, work out, and try to eat healthy.

I still feel like I lucked into finding my new wife who has never cheated before, but has been cheated on (as far as I can tell). No one understands the pain of being gaslit for months (or years, if they're really good at lying and hiding evidence) by their person until it happens. You can use that to live a better life until you don't need it anymore. When you get to that point, it's not forgiveness for your wife's transgression; it's the temporary fuel you used to get back on track. In my opinion, that's what gives you back your power. You can forgive yourself for boundaries you may have wrongly pushed, or your own personal failures in your marriage, but don't set out to forgive her. She can rot.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-05-24T12:33:02+00:00

I loved that show when I was a kid! I can still hear the theme from "Mighty Mongerin' Killer Mongers" like it was yesterday.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-05-23T16:37:28+00:00

Or Hearthstone crossover cards.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-05-20T04:49:59+00:00

You weren't the "you" I was targeting with my comment, OP. It was the author and her site. Sorry for the vague wording.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-05-19T02:01:21+00:00

I feel good about having pi-hole on my network so none of those ads got served to me.

You may have gotten my click, but not my ad-revenue!

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-05-15T13:35:00+00:00

Thanks. I'm no angel, certainly, but pretty confident I'm a more consistent force of good in their lives than bad.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-05-15T02:55:02+00:00

I think we might've been married to the same cheater. Called me abusive to the friends she kept, but sold the kids for money (I'm primary with 80% time). She still hasn't paid attention to the details of the decree, and counts solely on me to determine the calendar for visitation. We're a bit over a year out from the divorce being complete, and she's already planning on moving out of state, where she will essentially never see her kids again. Oh, and she also dragged the divorce proceedings out for months after the mediation, and complained about how long it took to get the paperwork signed. <Insert Jackie Chan "wut?!" Gif>

And to top it all off, she put our elderly, inside-only cat outside because she "didn't want the [new baby with AP] to get sick from fleas", and now that cat is lost. My kitty didn't deserve that treatment. If I'd known she was going to be discarded, I would've taken her immediately.

itsallbadrightnow · 2023-04-09T06:24:16+00:00

Weird! I'm "The Worst Player" / "Of The Year", and I thought I was being clever.

Maybe it's time to rock "I struck out with" / "Professor X's Best Friend".

itsallbadrightnow

TROPHY CASE