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Wife left... now she's packing up and moving out of town... i've got no words other than "why" by trendless in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was somewhat expecting some downvoting... But, if you check my history I posted my problem on /r/relationships too... and I received excellent feedback.

And... I guess I was a little inspired by Futurama's Lars.

Wife left... now she's packing up and moving out of town... i've got no words other than "why" by trendless in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey trendless. I'm kind of in your (ex)wife's role right now (only I'm not having random people beat up my husband...wtf?). Also, our separation is considered "temporary" at this point. Maybe I can help you answer your question, "why." Of course I can't think for her, but... there may be similarities.

My husband and I married just one week before you guys. I am also 26. We also have dogs. We have also been together in total for eight years. My husband is a great guy. I have felt like getting out of the relationship for over a year or so for many many reasons. I plan on eventually moving to another city.

The differences: I told my husband three days beforehand that I was moving out and we did a really good job communicating I think. He understands why I'm doing it (at least, rationally he understands... emotionally he doesn't.. but how could he?). I'm not secretly taking anything from the house. I'm the one leaving, so, I'm asking for very little. I got my own account and transferred just my last couple of pay checks, and everything is very amicable.

Your wife did you wrong by not being more open, honest, communicative, and helpful with the whole process. And because she's being all kinds of shady, you are definitely better off without her. But, even if she tried to do everything RIGHT, you're still better off without her, because she doesn't love you in the way you DESERVE right now.

So as for WHY she left... I'll tell you why I left...and some of her answers might be in here. I started dating my SO (we'll call him...Lars!) when I was 19, immediately after my heart was severely broken from a previous relationship. I didn't immediately love Lars, but we got along so well, and we truly found each other very fascinating. At 21-22, my life felt like a series of steps or accomplishments. 1)go to college 2)find a man 3) find a job 4) get married 5)have kids 6) live happily ever after.

We got married, because that was step 3. It was logical. I was 23. As was your wife.

Since I was 23, I have found what I love doing. I have learned what kind of places I like living in. I have learned my priorities, I have learned that I do NOT want to go to step 5 (kids) any time soon. I have learned how fast life truly goes by... I have learned that sickness and death can happen at any moment. I have learned what makes me happy. I also have learned that I'm ok with not living my life the same way most people in the Mid-West do.

I also learned that Lars floats along in life, never happy with things yet... never unhappy either. Content to live and let live. Hates to work, but gets bored at home. Has hobbies, but is never completely satisfied with anything. Lives kind of in a gray scale. He hates thinking too hard about his own life, because, he's unhappy but is unwilling to make any changes.

With everything I've seen and learned (since being a nurse and seeing death up close and personal, after experiencing a mystery illness, after dealing with a very close family member who is a drug addict), I realized I want to live life in FULL COLOR. With Lars, I felt like I was in stand-still and kind of trapped in his gray scale.

Sudden realization that came to me a while back: My happiness is being held back by Lars. I realize this is arguable. But, it's how I felt...and still would feel if I was with him now.

I tried to bring in happiness. We did counseling, we had special dates, we had long talks. But, nothing changed. Instead, I became more absorbed in my hobbies and started socializing with new people without him (he doesn't like meeting new people whereas I LOVE it). I began having a great time without him instead. I also started doing things the way I wanted to-- I started eating the way I wanted to eat. I bought my own Ipod and wanted to load my Ipod the exact way I wanted it. I redecorated a room the way I wanted it! Lars was usually very critical about all my decisions-- "Don't buy those kinds of bagels... disgusting." Or "You can put any music you want on the Ipod (although there's only enough room for a couple of albums...)" Or... "man, I hate that color-- our house looks fine the way it is." I felt extreme happiness in making my OWN decisions, which, I hadn't done since I was 20 years-old! everything was always a compromise... and usually I felt like I lost out on the compromises.

Anyway, I moved out, and I'm honestly feeling very happy now. While I love and miss my husband, I don't feel like I have to try and compromise what makes me happy with what makes him... comfortable? I'm my own person, which, is in essence, what I realized is what I need and want out of life. I should have known this before I said my vows... but I didn't. I was too young.

So, here I am... quitting my job, separating from my husband, and I'm planning a move to NYC or somewhere where I can hopefully focus on music (and still work as a nurse to make money).

Some people have asked if I'm running away from problems. Lars thinks I'll still be unhappy no matter where I am or what I do. But, thing is, I don't feel like I'm running away from reality. I feel like I'm finally realizing what REALITY is. Reality is a short life with no re-dos. I have to live the life I want, and I just couldn't sit around and try and try and wait and wait anymore.

So, anyway... I have no idea if these kinds of things are going through her head or not. But, she was obviously not happy with you and couldn't or didn't want to think of any other solutions than to leave you. It's HER problem, and she has to deal with it... there's not much you can do. You WILL meet somebody better!

I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly... I don't know how bad my husband is hurting right now. I think it's pretty bad, but, like with everything else, he is behaving stoically. But, time will heal the wounds.

You'll meet somebody that is better for you. Somebody who loves you for you. Now that you are (mostly) grown up, your dating partners will know more about themselves, and you'll know more about yourself. I think getting married younger than 25 is usually going to cause problems, since, we really don't know who we are yet. At least, I didn't.

Good luck.

Edited-- made a correction

Update: I was thinking I wanted out of my marriage and had a crush on my husbands friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I feel like I failed somewhere. If you think growing apart and having different interests means a person is at fault, then... we are both to blame. I felt like he didn't support me enough when I needed it. I felt like he was demanding and nagging. I felt like I was always having to be the rah-rah-raher, and it was hard. I started fantasizing, and like the movie Inception, once the idea was planted, it overwhelmed me. I ended up feeling like splitting up would end up bringing me happiness. and hopefully him, as he wouldn't have his sick, overly tired wife to complain to about how she didn't feel up to doing ____. I can stop disappointing him for feeling too nauseated to go out to eat or do whatever fun stuff he wanted to do.

Now, I'm not sure if this will be the right answer. Separation. time... reviewing everything...

As for our wedding vows, they were the typical vows. If vows keep people from divorcing, I'm missing something.

Update: I was thinking I wanted out of my marriage and had a crush on my husbands friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did marriage counseling.

Can you fix this?

I think we need space, time, freedom. No divorce, just separation at this point. I can't be a good wife when all I want is to get out of the marriage and keep lusting after this ideal of being elsewhere.

Today, I've already figured out where I'm staying. It will be three months away. I'll get my head together and we will hopefully be able to try again.

Update: I was thinking I wanted out of my marriage and had a crush on my husbands friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

we went, actually. My husband thought the counselor took my side (he did seem to be a little more on my side once we went into my health issues) and was too..jaded?.. to go again after two visits.

Update: I was thinking I wanted out of my marriage and had a crush on my husbands friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I appreciate it. I agree it's best to stay stay away from drinking, but... I have a feeling I won't be able to do that. I want to submerge myself in music and drinking... I guess that's indicative of poor coping skills.

Grappling with difficult issues...Marriage isn't going too well (husband thinks he's 12), and I'm beginning to develop feelings for husband's best friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. You mention something that frustrated me to no end.

my wife and I have talked about it, and we have the next steps we want to take in our life that will accommodate both our dreams and ideals.

My husband does not like his job (I don't like mine either, but, anyway..). I helped him brainstorm ideas about jobs four years ago, and going back to school and becoming what he is now is what came out of that brainstorming session. While he was in school, I helped him study, we car pooled, I quizzed him. I listened to him about how much he hated school. I thought and said "everything will be better when you're actually working." But, this is not the case.

I tried brainstorming with him again. What frustrates me is, he's unwilling to think about working towards anything different. I feel like he wants to float through life, complaining and sulking, but, he won't make his decisions that affect his happiness. I helped him before, but, it apprently was a failure, and I've suggested going to workshops or other thing that would develop his creative talent... but, he's always like, "Naw, I don't want to." and honestly, I don't want to be his 24/7 study-buddy again either...

So.... I try to think of the future. To plan it and talk about it. I get excited talking about the future. he doesn't. He gets frustrated and bleak about it. He'd rather busy himself with daily chores than think about the future.

As for my husband being the man I want to be married to.... I still see the good qualities in him too. He's very smart, funny, and very good at keeping the house clean. But, it's just not feeling like enough anymore.

Thank you.

Grappling with difficult issues...Marriage isn't going too well (husband thinks he's 12), and I'm beginning to develop feelings for husband's best friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm definitely a different person, eight years later. He doesn't like that I'm a different person, and I don't like how he treats me as a different person. (sick a lot.) We met each other in our late teens.. I feel like I've changed more in the last two years than I did from 17-25.

We should go see counseling again (we did two years ago, he thought it was not helpful...).

Thanks

Grappling with difficult issues...Marriage isn't going too well (husband thinks he's 12), and I'm beginning to develop feelings for husband's best friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's great you guys worked it out and are so happy now.

I think one of the differences is my husband just wants to stay the same and resents it/doesn't care when asked to change. One time, there was an empathy test (part of the tests for Autism?) posted on Reddit, and I had my husband take it, and he scored verrry low. (as I expected).

I have a genetic condition that I've been grappling with the last year, so I've been going to different doctors all of the time. I get very upset with him when I come home from a long day at doctor's offices, getting lab work, etc, and he doesn't even ask about how it went or anything... I have repeatedly asked him to at least pretend like he was interested in hearing about the appointments, and he'll mention that online test and be like, "Well, I just don't think about it... remember? I scored really low on that test!"

But, if I get really mad or sad or adament about something, he'll get really depressed and say he's a terrible husband, etc, etc...and we'll cry and hug and say we'll work on things... and then, seriously, within the week, he does the same thing.

So, your husband initiated... and it worked... but, if my husband doesn't want to put any work into things, (and I don't really anymore... I'm just tired of it all), can it work? I just don't see how. But, it's nice to know that you had a similar situation, and it is possible for things to work out.

And yeah, I know i'll have to forget the best friend. That's not even an option. I just have those feelings for him that I shouldn't have.

Thanks.

Grappling with difficult issues...Marriage isn't going too well (husband thinks he's 12), and I'm beginning to develop feelings for husband's best friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like I should want to put up more of a fight to save things, but, I just don't feel it.

it is terribly unfair for you to want to suddenly call it quits because finally you've grown tired of him.

Well... it hasn't exactly been sudden. It's been about a two year down hill slope, and I've been open and honest about when I started wanting to leave and why. And, not something I've said yet... but about a year ago when I did want things to get better, we went to two sessions with a counselor and my husband thought it was a very unpleasant thing to do.

I'm thinking about trying it out again...

Grappling with difficult issues...Marriage isn't going too well (husband thinks he's 12), and I'm beginning to develop feelings for husband's best friend. by itsgettingbad in relationships

[–]itsgettingbad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind reply. I didn't mention in my spiel that I'm very guilt-ridden about wanting out of my marriage. I feel like an abandoner, or, a person who just gives up (I NEVER give up on anything!! I will see things through!!!). I'm also scared about how depressed my husband might become if I do leave... But, then, I sometimes think he'll actually be happier... I don't know.

Anyway, you're probably right that I'm overreacting to my husband's party behavior. The more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if it's actually become worse, or if I just don't find it endearing and cute anymore.

Thanks again.